tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13883019087851009992024-03-13T09:01:05.418-07:00EuroballsThe home of football sarcasmUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger916125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-57598501309460862042017-11-22T01:44:00.002-08:002017-11-22T01:44:38.145-08:00LiverplolTaking delight in the misfortunes of the once mighty Liverpool Football Club.<br />
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See also; <a href="http://euroballs.blogspot.com/2017/11/inverstanbul.html">Inverstanbul</a>, <a href="http://euroballs.blogspot.com/2016/12/pardenfreude.html">Pardenfreude</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-40288431533087533192017-11-22T01:42:00.001-08:002017-11-22T01:45:08.781-08:00InverstanbulTo blow a 3-goal half-time lead when the most famous result of your modern history was overcoming a 3-goal half-time deficit.<br />
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see also <a href="http://euroballs.blogspot.com/2017/11/liverplol.html">Liverplol</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-80933048283229050362017-06-15T02:31:00.002-07:002017-06-15T02:31:53.644-07:00IcemanNickname for any Scandiavian/Finnish/Icelandic player ever. BECAUSE IT'S COLD or something.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-89654057914397091022017-05-04T01:38:00.001-07:002017-05-04T01:38:20.477-07:00EFL to fine Blackburn for understrength managerThe EFL today requested a response from Blackburn as to why they employed an understrength manager for the first 37 matches of the league season.<br />
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The league body - still revelling in a rebrand that can only be described as going spectacularly well - has decided to start involving itself in the day-to-day running of it's member clubs and has shone a light on Blackburn's miserable form all year, questioning the employment of Owen Coyle and the questions raising regards the integrity of the competition.<br />
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"While we recognise the right of clubs to employ who they will", a statement from the League read, "to hire a manager so laughably inept as Coyle and to perform the first three-quarters of the season under self-imposed stunt conditions challenges the integrity of the competition. We will be asking Blackburn to explain their actions with an eye on a possible fine".<br />
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Also under scrutiny are Nottingham Forest for selling their only decent players in January and the playing of an understrength side ever since.<br />
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Neither club responded to Euroballs' request for comment.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-86228276953242294322016-12-22T07:20:00.000-08:002016-12-22T07:20:10.365-08:00Palermo manager's tenuredescriptive of an infinitesimally short amount of time, e.g. the lifespan of mayfly, the blinking of an eyeUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-31895290283633031242016-12-22T07:17:00.000-08:002016-12-22T07:17:03.849-08:00Pardenfreudenoun. Taking pleasure in the downfall of an utter chancer of a manager who would throw his own mother under a bus rather than admit their own shortcomings. Because they're a thigh-slapping Proper Football Man innit Jeff and what do those foreigns know about anything anyway eh? EH?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-33641917506257146812016-09-14T03:21:00.001-07:002016-09-14T03:21:24.856-07:00Sprakeverb.<br />
Of a goalkeeper, to throw one into his own net, preferably in comedic fashion.<br />
<i>"Poor Danny Ward. Great start at Town, pulled off a blinder against Wolves, then Spraked one in at the Amex"</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-26040311446993072422016-08-10T03:57:00.000-07:002016-08-10T03:57:00.447-07:00Roger Johnson1. <i>n.</i> The ability to start a fight with one's own reflection.<br />
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2. <i>v.</i> A person who habitually falls out with those who are preternaturally disposed to be on the same side as them. <i>"And Judas did kiss Jesus on both cheeks, betraying him to the Romans and Jesus was taken away. And John, who was with Jesus, did say 'You fucking Roger Johnsonned that Judas, you massive prick'" - Bible 2, author unknown</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-75996561559722049122016-05-12T04:09:00.001-07:002016-05-12T04:09:28.423-07:00Farewell to the BoleynIn keeping with media tradition, let's reminisce about the demise of an old stadium, just like we've never done for all the other ones.<br />
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Nobody from this organisation ever went to either Upton Park or the Boleyn Ground, but it looked and sounded like a lot of other old football grounds. And that, we think, says it all.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-47148077831040250132015-10-30T03:15:00.000-07:002015-10-30T03:15:03.170-07:00Steve Evans appoints his own third-person persona as assistantFollowing a dispiriting home defeat to Blackburn Rovers, new Leeds United boss Steve Evans moved quickly to bolster his backroom team, appointing his own third-person idiom as his assistant.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>Without a win since being mutually consented out of Rotherham, the convicted felon had been operating without an assistant. The home loss to struggling Blackburn forced him into action.<br />
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"Steve Evans felt it was important for Steve Evans to get this situation resolved", the globulous fraud third-personned, "and after Steve Evans thought long and hard about what's best for Steve Evans, before realising that this Steve Evans character I keep referring to must be a decent shout to assist Steve Evans. Everything he knows, Steve Evans has taught him, so it should be a perfect fit."<br />
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"Steve Evans's third-person persona is delighted with this", 27th-personned Steve Evans' third-person persona, reacting to the news. "This is an exciting chapter in the fledgling coaching career of Steve Evans' third-person persona."<br />
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Responding to criticism that it's merely a cheap option, Evans explained how that was only superficially the case as he has a foolproof system of dual-contract, off-balance-sheet payments to avoid arousing the interest of HMRC.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-35358685740157280412015-08-26T01:55:00.001-07:002015-08-26T01:55:31.523-07:00Global transfer market to be replaced by Chelsea loansWide-ranging reform to the global transfer system in football has been proposed in a white paper which outlines a replacement system by which players can only move from club to club via Chelsea loaning them out.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>The proposal sets Chelsea as the recipient of all transfers and then they determine where and for how long the player can move, ostensibly as a loan from the Premier League champions.<br />
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FIFA spokesman Hurl Sports-Jacket told us that "With over two teams worth of players out on loan already, we're confident that Chelsea have the ability, experience and expertise to administer this system going forward. And it'll sate their lust to buy up every fucking player on the planet."<br />
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Chelsea also welcome the move, saying in a statement that "there is clear synergy on this between ourselves and the governing body and we look forward to a lucrative relationship with them". However, football industry insiders have expressed disquiet, with one Jorge Mendes saying that it will leave him without purpose. "Basically, FIFA have taken my job and handed it lock, stock, the fucking lot to Chelsea."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-22150793621226215762015-08-14T06:11:00.001-07:002015-08-14T06:11:27.916-07:00Mourinho wins mind-game with himselfLong the master of the dark art of the mind game, Jose Mourinho has now beaten himself in a titanic battle of wills.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>With everyone else long since having got thoroughly sick of the self-appointed Special One's antics and long-time mental adversary Alex Ferguson settling well into retirement, the only challenge left to the Portuguese was to destroy himself with his awesome mind powers.<br />
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Picking a fight with himself about nothing was a bold move, but winning that battle has left him in a much superior position for next time he faces his own team in a future clash, but scientists have warned that he faces oblivion should he continue.<br />
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"If he keeps taking himself on in this manner", Professor of Mind Games at the University of The Third Age Dr Beardly Weirdy told us, "our advanced modelling shows he will eventually be reduced to a singularity, a speck of inwardly-looking vitriol. A bit like that photo on Back To The Future, he'll ebb away until there is no sign whatsoever of the enormous bell-end that started all this."<br />
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Mourinho was readily available for comment, but refused to answer any questions relating to his impending doom.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-51007075716645674182015-08-10T07:41:00.000-07:002015-08-10T07:41:16.447-07:0048% of fantasy teams binned off after week oneOrganisers of fantasy football league competitions are reporting record number of teams being binned off after the opening weekend of the Premier League, with some sites reporting levels of up to 48% of teams abandoned within moments of the final whistle at the 3pm Saturday games.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>Many abandonments came on the 52-minute mark with the dismissal of Chelsea goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois proving a bridge too far for a significant number of players. On Sunday, Arsenal's loss to West Ham prompted another mass exit while semi-knowing players who reckoned Southampton couldn't possibly concede at Newcastle saw thousands more jump ship.<br />
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"It's been a record weekend for players jacking it in", a spokesman for the official Premier League game told us, "and if West Brom do Man City over tonight, we might end up with just the 2.6% of players that picked Rickie Lambert left in the game. Frankly, we're worried".Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-41450563380474774382015-05-16T03:29:00.000-07:002015-05-16T03:29:03.771-07:00Player moves to different club; nation goes fucking mentalThe nation went fucking mental today as a player who had long since signed a contract to move to another club is about to take up that contract.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>The player, who has previously been linked with moves away from his current club and is a master of the come-and-get-me plea, is hailed as some sort of bastion of loyalty and the impending winding-down of his current contract has sent the UK press into meltdown.<br />
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Most sports sections today are at least 50% about the player who has probably played a bit too much top-level football these last couple of years and his achievements in never winning a league title are bigged up into some sort of Ozymandian treasure trove.<br />
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While the player does something that pretty much every other professional player has and will do, the tributes and borderline obituaries are expected to continue for some weeks and months yet. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-74540093668307232172015-03-06T07:23:00.001-08:002015-03-06T07:39:52.701-08:00Evans charged by FA, issues denial<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Manchester United "defender" Jonny Evans has been charged by the FA after appearing to spit at Newcastle's Papiss Demba Cisse. The Northern Ireland international has however denied the offence.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In a rambling statement bearing only a passing resemblance to the highly visible events on the field, Evans also denied:</span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Being born when John F Kennedy was assassinated</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Being responsible for Madonna's fall at the Brits</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Being the rightful recipient of Beck's awards at the Grammys</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Being in the vicinity of Praia De Luz at the time of Madeleine McCann's disappearance</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">United manager Louis Van Gaal came out in support of his player. Probably. We're still waiting for an Enigmatic to English translation of his statement. More on this story as it continues to distract from the standard of both team's performances.</span></div>
Andy Ghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03200794687890481759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-42448052054660320392015-03-05T03:04:00.000-08:002015-03-05T03:05:02.550-08:00Two grown adults claim the other one started itAn ugly incident at last night's Newcastle v Manchester United fixture saw grown adults Papiss Cissé and Jonny Evans both claim that the other one started it and it wasn't fair.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>The two grown adults were seen to tussle with one another during the first half of the match at St James' Park and both claimed the other had spat at them, both also claiming that the other one did it first.<br />
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Referee Anthony Taylor have missed the incident which will be reviewed by the FA's Disciplinary Panel. Possible sanctions to the two fully grown adults, both of whom are eligible to vote, include telling them to grow up, ask whether if one of them jumped off a bridge would the other one follow and take away their pocket money until they learn how to behave in public.<br />
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Should the incident be judged to be of sufficient severity, the mothers of the two grown men will be called in to give them both a clip round the ear, explain how they're an embarrassment and potentially prevent them from playing out for a few days.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-69765561847974075832015-02-26T01:05:00.001-08:002015-02-26T01:05:17.415-08:00GOSSIP: Big club eyes Southampton playerToday's review of the top transfer gossip centres on a big club chasing a player from Southampton. A fee of more money than anyone can realistically spend in a lifetime is thought to be offered.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>The big club are thought to have been monitoring the Southampton player for some time, presumably by watching the fucking television - we don't know. Given that the Southampton player has played well for Southampton, the big club think the player will fit in well with them. Maybe his agent also has links to the big club as well. That's how these things normally work after all.<br />
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Now we're going to add in some conjecture and assumptions about how much the Southampton player is currently being paid and how much more the big club might offer him. We also assume that money is a main driver for the Southampton player, ignoring the fact that his current wage is pretty fucking handsome anyway. We just assume all footballers are money-grubbing bastards and being settled and happy means nothing to them. After all, that's how these things normally work.<br />
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Now we add an EXCLUSIVE comment that we got off some foreign news agency. It doesn't mean anything, just rounds the article off nicely. We interpret the Southampton player saying "if I'm being linked with moves elsewhere, then it means I'm doing a good job" as meaning 'I AM DEFINITELY OFF TO THE BIG CLUB AND HAVE A TAXI WAITING OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW'.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-35999520770732300282015-02-11T03:24:00.000-08:002015-02-11T03:24:14.527-08:00Sky beat BT in pissing-up-a-wall competitionSky television today celebrated victory in the Premier League how-high-can-you-piss competition with arch-rivals BT only able to piss one-quarter as high.<br />
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The obscene and grotesque competition saw the two broadcasters go willy to willy as they pissed as high as they could up the walls of Premier League headquarters as executives from the League leaned out of the windows and catch the golden spoils in buckets made from Pegasus wings.<br />
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A spokesman from the Premier League read a statement on behalf of their member clubs vowing to match the pissing by the host broadcasters. "Our members appreciate the heights to which both rights holders have pissed and vow to at least match if not outdo the height of their pissing. And the good news is that at least some of this massive volume of piss is bound to trickle down onto lower league clubs, so really it's all good".Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-25670796281943778482015-01-15T07:43:00.002-08:002015-01-15T07:43:46.660-08:00New Arsenal signing expected to make debut injuryArsenal are set to complete the signing of 17-year old Polish midfielder Krystian Bielik and give him a debut injury shortly after the paperwork is complete.<br />
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The highly-rated teenager is thought to be close to completing a £2.5m move from Legia Warsaw to the Gunners on completion of a medical. Once those formalities are out of the way, the backroom team are eager to get him on the treatment table right away.<br />
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"The philosophy at Arsenal is clear", a statement from the club read. "It's a one-club culture where every level is expected to be geared to reflect the style of the first team. As a result, we expect our medical staff to break Bielik quite early and get him on good terms with the physios as early as possible as we look to bring him on to emulate the likes of Mikel Arteta, Jack Wilshere, Theo Walcott et al."<br />
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Once that process is clear, loan spells at various League 1 and Championship clubs will follow with the occasional League Cup appearance thrown in before a move to Greece.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-88100458559165173442015-01-13T03:35:00.001-08:002015-01-13T03:35:23.528-08:00Hodgson controversy over picking three great players for Ballon d'OrEngland manager Roy Hodgson attracted enormous levels of ridicule and opprobrium yesterday as it was revealed that his three votes for the Ballon d'Or went to three really good players who each had a fantastic World Cup last summer.<br />
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Team managers and captains and a representative of the media from each FIFA member nation get three votes towards the prestigious award and the full breakdown is released shortly after the result is made public at a glitzy ceremony in Zürich. Tabloid headlines following the release of the breakdown suggested that Hodgson had somehow made a crass error of judgement in giving his votes to Javier Mascherano, widely recognised as the best player in last summer's World Cup, Phillip Lahm, the captain of the world champions, and star goalkeeper who is credited to an extent for expanding the role into something more than a mere shot-stopper, Manuel Neuer.<br />
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Social media lit up with disparaging remarks about the England supremo as he dared to have a different opinion about which players have had the best year and seemingly giving precedence to performances in the major competition of the last 12 months. Some suggested he couldn't possibly have picked Mascherano as having had a great year as he once worked with him at Liverpool and wanted rid. Apparently that makes an objective opinion impossible to attain.<br />
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Other people who ought to know better opined that Hodgson's selections belied any attacking philosophy on his part and that it foretells a new, defensive approach to England's football as if attempting to weigh up the extent to how good or otherwise a year every footballer in the world has had is an indicator to how England will line up in a crucial qualifier against Estonia.<br />
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The voting for the Ballon d'Or has widely been criticised down the years for being overtly political, with some captains picking solely club and/or national team-mates and coaches pushing their own players to the fore. In not doing this, Hodgson largely brought the criticism on his own head.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-46873882028209792472015-01-07T07:10:00.000-08:002015-01-07T07:10:18.275-08:00Oldham sign chant from MillwallOldham Atheltic today announced the capture of the "no-one likes us, we don't care" chant from Millwall in a deal funded by the PFA and Ched Evans's prospective father in-law.<br />
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The deal was brokered after the deal to bring a man still under license for a crime he doesn't think is a crime which has seen the formerly uncontroversial club turn into an institution of national opprobrium.<br />
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With a potential FA Cup tie coming up against Chelsea, Millwall were thought to be reluctant to let the chant go cheaply, but as sponsors line up to abandon the Latics, the PFA and Evans's extended family bravely stepped into the breach to fund the move. "We wanted the chant to stay", a Millwall spokesman told us, "but the offer from Oldham was too good to ignore and the chant wanted to move on after being with us for so many years. We wish the chant every success in the future".<br />
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Oldham officials hailed the transfer as coup for the club. "We've managed to make such utter cocks of ourselves, we felt we needed a suitable chant to express prevailing public opinion. The Millwall chant was the one we wanted from the outset and we're delighted to have it on board".<br />
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Critics have suggested that the club do care and are protesting too much, being in full knowledge of why people are exercised about this.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-42560873066421650602015-01-07T01:22:00.000-08:002015-01-09T00:38:13.299-08:00Exclusive: Shock change to FIFA leadership<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In a move set to stun the world of football, ruling body FIFA has today declared itself an Islamic caliphate.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A source wishing to remain anonymous told Euroballs, "When Sepp Blatter saw what a public relations success becoming an Islamic caliphate had been for ISIS, it was only a matter of time before he took FIFA down the same route."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Under the laws of the new caliphate, only true followers of the President - who has renamed himself Blattah Most Holy - will be allowed access. Those who oppose him - now referred to as "infidels" - will be hunted down and beheaded, although this is expected to be reduced to taking off the Christmas card list on appeal.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One of the first casualties of the change is expected to be women's football. although as our source told us, "It won't make that much of a difference, because nobody at FIFA ever took it seriously anyway."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Andy Ghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03200794687890481759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-62173687996157033602015-01-05T03:28:00.002-08:002015-01-05T03:28:39.260-08:00Oldham emerges from news blackoutThe town of Oldham has today emerged from a state of stasis whereby no news of external events was known for a period thought to extend as far back as 2012.<br />
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The blackout became apparent on the morning of January 5 2015 as the board of Oldham Athletic FC declared themselves 'stunned' by the reaction to their proposed deal to sign convicted rapist Ched Evans.<br />
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"We had no idea what a narky blert the feller was", explained one board member who wished to remain anonymous. "How could we when we've had no news for nigh on three years?"<br />
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As over two years worth of news floods the Lancastrian former industrial town, locals are coming to terms with the death of Neil Armstrong, the resignation of a Pope, the Edward Snowden revelations, unrest in Ukraine and the Russian annexation of Crimea, North Korea getting jaunty, the de-escalation of Iran's nuclear ambitions, the borth of another royal lizard, the death of Hugo Chávez and subsequent appointment of Nicolás Maduro as President of Venezuela, the successful landing of a probe on a comet and the thawing of relations between the USA and Cuba. "We've got a lot to take in", continued the unnamed board member, "so what a footballer has been convicted of and the subsequent harassment of his victim on social media obviously got lost in the noise".<br />
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Once the backlog of news has been cleared, the club are expected to reflect on the reputational damage already done as a result of their complete lack of awareness.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-46547378832265628842014-12-21T03:59:00.000-08:002014-12-21T03:59:21.243-08:00Tricky1. Descriptive of a pitch more akin to growing potatoes than playing football on. See Bloomfield Road.<br />
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2. Adjective by which all left-wingers must be described under paragraph 4.3a of the journalistic code.<br />
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3. The sort of artist whose music is never played in a dressing room and fans of which among playing staff are either shunned or referred to as 'The Professor'.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1388301908785100999.post-3684904118590117172014-12-19T01:08:00.000-08:002014-12-19T01:10:42.021-08:00Balotelli fined and banned for Lad Bible retweetMario Balotelli will sit out this weekend's game between Liverpool and Arsenal after being found guilty of retweeting something unfunny and racist by the unfunny and racist Lad Bible twitter account.<br />
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A disciplinary panel found that Balotelli, a £16m arrival at Liverpool in the summer, wilfully exposed the public to a Lad Bible tweet despite that account being known for joke theft, sexism, racism, anti-Semitism and just being plain not funny.<br />
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"Footballers are role models in modern society", a spokesman for the FA told reporters after the tribunal, "and as such cannot be seen to be endorsing shit Twitter accounts like the Lad Bible. These things aren't funny, espouse outdated theories on the worth of selected groups of people and should not be propagated to impressionable young people who might take an RT as an endorsement of those views. The ban and the level of fine [Balotelli was also fined £25,000] is an indication of how serious we take these matters".<br />
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Similar sanctions are expected to be imposed for anyone retweeting stuff from the equally execrable BBC Sporf.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0