Euroballs

Deadline day: The good, the bad and the downright panicky

2012-01-31T15:29:00.000-08:00

January 31, the day when everyone awaits the visit of the Transfer Pixie and hopes they find the star striker/dominant centre-half in their stocking that was diligently hung over the fireplace the previous night. Only the good get what they want, while the very bad boys and girls get an Ade Akinbiyi. So who has been good and who ended up with the booby prize? Let's have a look at what highlights there were:

Steve McClaren
The former England manager has definitely been good this year. Indeed, his signing of Wesley Verhoek from ADO is perhaps more significant in terms of his recent career choices for Verhoek it was that McClaren wanted at Nottingham Forest only the board to blanch at the prospect of actually having to pay for him. By contrast, the FC Twente board were happy to compensate the Den Haag club and pay Verhoek some wages. Good bit of business that, replacing the outbound Mark Janko. McClaren also picked up Glynor Plet and hung onto Luuk de Jong. ADO got Ebi Smolarek which will also do nicely to replace Verhoek.

West Ham
Ravel Morrison. £650k. £1m agents fees. This just smells bad from the off.

Porto
Swiped back Lucho Gonzalez from Marseille and got Janko from FC Twente, offsetting the loss of Fredy Guarín to Italy. That looks a good swap to us.

The Olsson twins
Someone at Blackburn has a dodgy internet history. File under P for panic buy.

Donal McDermott
After terrorising Huddersfield in four games for Bournemouth last season, the Terriers moved quickly to sign McDermott from Manchester City in the summer and then proceeded to either not play him or play him in a totally unsuitable position. He's well out of that and away to Bournemouth again where he'll probably do well. Good for him. Meanwhile Huddersfield are crying out for defenders and signed one, 19-year old Murray Wallace from Falkirk. And loaned him straight back there. Good for Falkirk, bonkers for Huddersfield.

Espanyol
Took Philippe Coutinho on loan from Internazionale. It looked like he was working his way into Claudio Ranieri's first-team plans, but hadn't played for a bit. Instead, the 19-year old - marked out as one of the top 100 young players in the world by In Bed With Maradona - represents a bloody good bit of business for the Spaniards.

Sunderland
Sotirios Kyrgiakos. Wayne Bridge. Panic!

Internazionale
Sent Coutinho out on a low-risk loan to gain experience and brought in Guarín on loan from Porto with an option to buy. Again, that's a low risk move. If it doesn't work out, back he goes, but it will work out because he's a classy operator. They also bolstered their attack by moving Sulley Muntari on. Best of all, they palmed him off on their stadium buddies. Just good business all round.

Kevin de Bruyne
Not the player, but a transfer symptomatic of a sick system. Chelsea paid decent wedge for de Bruyne and immediately loaned him straight back to the Belgians. He'll be off out on loan somewhere next season too. See also Thibault Courtois, Gael Kakuta, Josh McEachran, Patrick van Aanholt, Jeffrey Bruma, Tomas Kalas. It's no wonder the Chelsea gaffer is the one to pop his head up above the parapets and call for B teams to play in England's lower tiers. It'd save him having to sort out loan moves for his stockpile of young players. Bad.

Ryo Miyaichi
Injury robbed Bolton of their two best midfielders - their two best players really - before a ball was kicked this season: Stuart Holden and Lee Chung-Yong. Miyaichi, more like the latter than the the former, is a talented player who did well on loan at Feyenoord last season. Bolton have a good track record in taking young players - Jack Wilshere and Daniel Sturridge, for two examples - and looking after them, so this looks a good move beneficial to all parties; Bolton, Arsenal and Miyaichi.

There's probably more to be said and more analysis to be done, but frankly it's too much like hard work to sift through all the deadline day moves. What do you want from us? Anyway, time to put the Deadline Day Stocking away until the end of August now and Jim White can return to hibernation. Sleep well children and be good, unless you don't want the Pixie to come in summer.

That's Conference! #10

2012-01-31T12:28:00.000-08:00

Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang is having quite the Coupe d'Afrique des Nations and his goals - one in each game - have carried Gabon through to the knockout stages top of the group with three wins from three. He had a bit of help with the only one in the 1-0 win over Tunisia. Real time, it looked like it took a deflection, but repeat viewings show it didn't.
Rami Jridi was the goalkeeper, diving away from the ball:

That's Conference!

Vague Round-up #4

2012-01-31T02:33:00.000-08:00

Here are the Vague headlines:

BONG! Racists 2, Victims 0 in Cup.
BONG! Rivals slip up to hand Whites supremacy.
BONG! Loan striker's hat-trick seals massive derby win.
BONG! Ex-England boss still doing very well, thank you.
BONG! Blue and black stripey people lose for first time in ages.
BONG! Black and white stripey people keep on winning.
BONG! Top four in Europe's economic driver still covered by a single point.
BONG! Can small island club be one of the continent's form team? Corsi-can.
BONG! Blue Dragons lose to hand rivals intitiative.
BONG! Managers panic buy left, right and centre on deadline day.

More soon.

ACN Day 10: 42 years of hurt.....

2012-01-31T01:06:00.000-08:00

Monday saw the finale of Group B. Ivory Coast had effectively already qualified from the group so for their final game they fielded a weakened side against Angola who were in the running for the second qualifying spot. The other game saw Sudan facing Burkina Faso with Sudan knowing if they
could achieve a win for the the first time in the tournament in 42 years they would be in the quarter finals, pah easy!

Half hour into both games and the deadlock was broken in one of the games, Emmanuel Eboué
scoring a simple goal for Ivory Coast and just a few minutes later Sudan take the lead against 'Faso with Mudather Eltaib scoring for Sudan. Could the dream about to become reality?!

As half time came, the games remained the same. Angola needed something and quickly to save
themselves.The Angolan hearts then took another blow a few moments after the hour mark. Bony scored a goal from nothing short of a few inches from the goal, suddenly Sudan had the chance here and they took it with a second late into the second half. Sudan had achieved the impossible!

A late goal from Burkina Faso couldn't dampen the spirits and Sudan qualified for the quarter-finals where they will face Zambia. Ivory Coast will face Equatorial Guinea on Saturday in what will be a tasty affair. A shock there? Oh I think there could be.....

Goalkeepers yelling at defenders #11

2012-01-30T04:53:00.000-08:00

Oleksandr Rybka

Naughty boy.

ACN Day 9: Group A Finale

2012-01-30T00:53:00.000-08:00

So Sunday saw Group A play their final games and both kicked off at the same time with Zambia and Libya both going for second place behind Equatorial Guinea. Libya faced hapless Senegal and Zambia faced the already-qualified hosts.

Libya started brightly against Senegal and took the lead after four minutes with a strike from Ihab Albusaifi but just five minutes later Senegal pulled back with a goal from Deme Ndiaye who headed in a corner. As half time came it remained 1-1 with the game involving 'the freedom fighters' and 0-0
in the game with the co-hosts.

Both games saw nervy starts to the second half then a goal came half an hour in as Zambia took the lead against Equatorial Guinea with Chris Katongo firing in a low shot from the edge of the area, now this gets interesting as Zambia take the second spot in the group if it stays like this.

With a few minutes of normal time left in both games Albusaifi scores again for Libya to make it 2-1. This now meant they needed co-hosts Equatorial Guinea to help them out by scoring twice against
Zambia to help them qualify.

However it was all in vain as Zambia beat the co-hosts 1-0 to seal their place in the quarter-finals. Sadness for Libya though but the shock of this group has to be how bad Senegal have been, pointless in too many ways.

Equatorial Guinea will face the Group B winners and Zambia with face either
Angola or Sudan in the last eight.

Unbelievable Jeff #10

2012-01-29T04:17:00.000-08:00

Christian Eriksen, ladies and gentlemen:

EDIT: Crikey, the KNVB are very quick these days. Enjoy it courtesy of 101greatgoals.com here

Unbelievable Jeff!

Unbelievable Jeff #9

2012-01-29T03:44:00.000-08:00

So you're level at 2-2 deep into stoppage time at the end of a thrilling game. You get a free-kick just outside your opponents box. Scoring it would eliminate them and send you, the co-hosts, through to the next round.
Up steps Zita:

Unbelievable Jeff!

ACN Day 8: Does D stand for Group of Death?

2012-01-29T02:56:00.000-08:00

On Day 8 of the ACN saw Group D play their 2nd games. The day started with Botswana facing Guinea. Botswana who had been unlucky against Ghana in their first game were looking to get a win to hopefully push for a place in the Quater Finals.

However the half time scored made horrible reading for Botswana, 4-1 to Guinea and Botswana were down to ten men after Patrick Motsepe is sent off for a horror challenge, ouch! The first half had been a cracker for Guinea and a horror show for Botswana, could the second half get better for them? In a word no, two late goals by Guinea sealed the defeat and a horrible scoreline of 6-1. The promise shown by Botswana against Ghana was now in ruins.

This left the next game looking very interesting as the two big names in Group D, Ghana and Mali facing off against each each other knowing a win was cruical. A tense first half saw no goals by either side but the breakthrough came with a lovely goal from the 'Middle Eastern Cash Wallet' Asamoah Gyan who scored with a stunning free kick. The lead for the Ghanaians was doubled short after with a lovely taken goal from 'Dede' Ayew to seal a 2-0 win.

Group D now looks like being the group of death in the tournament. Ghana being top with 6 points and Guinea and Mali on 3 points each. The final group games on Wednesday will be very tense.

ACN Day 7: Another one bites the dust

2012-01-28T01:42:00.000-08:00

Short but sweet review of day 7 of the African Cup Of Nations

The first game saw Tunisa take on Niger and beat them 2-1, Niger dominated the game and let a goal in just few minutes before the end to see their hopes crushed by the Tunisians who make it through to the Quarter Finals. Although credit must go to William Tonji Ngounou, who scored Niger's first ever goal in this tournament. Well done that man!

The second game saw another cruical game involving a big side. Morocco had to beat co-hosts Gabon to stand any chance of making it through to the Quarter Finals (Senegal again anyone?)easy!
A goal from their captain Houssine Kharjah midway through the first half had settled any nerves. They looked to be cruising until the 77th minute when deja vue in this tournament kicked in again. Aubameyang scored for the co-hosts with a stunning volley which sent the home fans mental. Two minutes later the party could start Daniel Cousin (the ex Hull City man) made it 2-1 to Gabon. Then more drama, a penalty to Morocco close to 90th for handball which Kharjah slotted home 2-2.

Then came the twist. 94th minute free kick from Bruno Zita Mbanangoye for Gabon made it 3-2. Wow! Morocco like Senegal are out of the tournament

This tournament is breathtaking this year, get watching!

That's Conference #9

2012-01-27T13:58:00.000-08:00

Heard of a 50p head? This is the ultimate.

That's Conference!

Goalkeepers yelling at defenders #10

2012-01-27T05:11:00.000-08:00

Andoni Zubizarreta

Whatever you say, skipper.

Unbelievable Jeff! #7

2012-01-27T05:00:00.000-08:00

As we alluded to in the last ACN round-up, the last few minutes of the Equatorial Guinea v Senegal game were quite something. Let's pick the action up just as Moussa Sow equalises for the Teranga Lions:

Unbelievable Jeff

ACN Days 5 & 6: I was wrong......

2012-01-27T03:12:00.000-08:00

So Day 5 of the ACN saw Group A sides play their second games of the tournament. By the end of the day someone had fallen by the wayside who I wouldn't have expected.

The first game of the day saw Zambia and Libya play a 2-2 draw. However in my opinion, both sides were the winners. The game was delayed by horrendous rain which meant the kick off was put back by an hour and fifteen minutes and the game was played on a very heavy pitch. Libya took the lead after a few minutes with a goal from Ahmed Saad Osman and a brilliant pass to him. The lead lasted till just past midway through the first half when Zambia pulled one back through Emmanuel Mayuka who smashed in a sublime volley. Half time came and saw both sides level.
The second half saw a goal in under 3 minutes, Ahmed Saad Osman grabbed his second for Libya, 5 minutes later it was all square as Zambia pulled level through Christopher Katongo. Thats how it remained. A fantastic effort by both sides in awful conditions. How would the next game cope on this pitch? Could Senegal overcome these conditions and get their tournament back on track?!

'The National Lightning'- Equatorial Guinea's suitable nickname - now knew if they beat Senegal they would knock the favourites out and put themselves into the Quarter Finals, simple! The first half ended 0-0 and it was all Senegal. 62 minutes came and the host nation went ape as a gorgeous cross was headed home by Randy to send the home fans mental. Senegal were now in panic as they had to get a positive result to stay in this tournament and in the 89th minute it came, Moussa Sow grabbing an equaliser with a volley from a few yards out. Senegal then went into "Hail Mary" mode and threw everything into attack.
Then their world collapsed. Equatorial Guinea's Kily sent the hosts into the quarter finals with a 25 yard wonder strike that sent the favourites out and one of the co-hosts into dreamland. As I type this I am still in shock as this result as I would never have expected this to happen!

Could Day 6 have any shocks? Unfortunately not. Sudan and Angola played out a thrilling 2-2 draw which saw Sudan get their first ACN point for 36 years. Ivory Coast knocked out Burinka Faso with a 2-0 win. The second goal was a peach of an og from 'Faso's Koné who headed into his own net from around the edge of the area. Unimpressive from Coast but now they know one of their rivals are out.

ACN: Day 4

2012-01-25T01:04:00.000-08:00

Short and sweet review of day 4 and the opening games of Group D.

Day kicked off with Ghana vs Botswana (Ghana I think could be easily be a Semi Final/Finalist in my humble opinion). Ghana went on to to win 1-0 with a goal from their captain John Mensah after 25 minutes from a deflected shot just outside the area. However he went from hero to zero midway through the second half making a clumsy challenge on a Botswana breakaway midway through the second half to see a red card, Ghana hung on to win 1-0.

The second game saw Mali take on Guinea which also ended 1-0 to Mali. They took the lead after a ball cut back to Bakaye Traore is hit from outside the area but takes a deflection and goes into the back of the net, unlucky Guinea! This is how it remained and Mali get the three points.

So all the teams have played their first games now and the second set of games start today (Wednesday) as in Group A Libya take on Zambia (1-1 I think) and Equatorial Guinea face Senegal (2-1 to Senegal I think)

Til tomorrow...

Goalkeepers yelling at defenders #9

2012-01-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

Continuing the African theme we've got going on round here at the moment, take it away Carlos Kameni:

Decibels.

Unbelievable Jeff #6

2012-01-24T11:20:00.000-08:00

More from the Africa Cup of Nations, and here's something quite exceptional from Youssouf Msakni making it 2-0 for Tunisia against North African rivals Morocco.

Unbelievable Jeff!

Vague Round Up #3

2012-01-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

Plenty of games across the continent at the weekend. Some teams won, some teams lost, some teams drew while some teams are still on holiday.

More games coming up this weekend as well.

We'll be back with an update sometime.

ACN: Day 2 & 3

2012-01-24T02:22:00.000-08:00

After the opening day shocks could day 2 live up to the first day?

The first game on Sunday saw the 'Elephants' from the Ivory Coast take on Sudan. The 'Coast fielded a strong side to take on the unfancied Sudan and took the lead after Drogba scored shortly before half time, was that enough to take them to a half time lead? It was, only just though as the Elephants 'keeper Boubacarr pulled off a sensational save with moments to go from a superb shot from Sudan's Moutata.

Ivory Coast went on to win the game 1-0 but a far from convincing display by them took them home but sudan can hold there heads high as they certainly gave the stronger opposition a lot to think about

The second game of the day saw Burinka Faso take on Angola, a largely dull first half lead to a bright opening after the half time oranges with Angola taking the lead early in the second half after a balls up in the Faso defence let in Mateus to score to take the lead for Angola.
Then six minutes later the first contender for Goal of the tournament, a superb free kick which beat a six man taken by Traore, superb.

Then Faso hearts were broken, 10 minutes later came a goal from Manucho who hit a shot from outside the area to take the points, heartbreak for Burinka Faso but Angola get their first points

Day three of the competition saw Group C kick off and the other joint hosts Gabon make their debut in this years tournament as they took on Niger. Gabon took the lead after about half an hour through a goal from Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang (Gabon's main man of course) who managed to head home after Niger keeper flapped at the cross. The Gabon joy eurupted again 4 minutes before half time. Stephane Nguema tapped in from a few yards after the Niger keeper couldnt hold to a save. The scoreline didn't changed in the second half and Gabon walked away with the points after a good display.

The second game of the day saw Morocco taking on Tunisa, the two big North African Rivals come clasing horns. a pacy first half with chances with both saw Tunisa scoring late in the first half through a free kick from Korbi but this game going into half time had plenty of goals still in it.

At the half time break Morocco decided to bring on QPR's Adel Taraabt, he should be able to boost there goal scoring chances surely?! It didnt, and after 76 minutes his and Morocco's hearts took another kick as another superb goal in this tournament was scored by Tunisa's Msakni as he danced through the defence and slot home. Morocco got a goal back 10minutes later through their Captain, Kharjah. It wasn't to be a revival though and Tunisa held on

Group D starts today (Tuesday) with Ghana, Botswana,Mali & Guinea entering the fun

Ladies and Gents of the Euroballs community.....

2012-01-24T02:20:00.000-08:00

The first joke of 2012 is this.....

Zlatan Ibrahimović has been named the 2011 Serie A player of the year.

Rumours that Zlatan was responsible for counting the vote remain unconfirmed.

That's Conference #8

2012-01-23T14:20:00.000-08:00

I thought this league was one of the best in the world full of the best players. Robin Van Persie proves everyone wrong with this shocking miss.

That's Conference

Goalkeepers yelling at defenders #8

2012-01-22T04:06:00.000-08:00

Rogério Ceni

Happy birthday, you freaking legend. 38 today.

The Opening Day Of The African Cup Of Nations

2012-01-22T03:59:00.000-08:00

So arriving home from a family meal last night I thought I would switch the old tv on to check the results of the opening day of the tournament just to see if anything exciting had happened.

Blimey, my jaw nearly hit the floor

The opening game saw one of the joint hosts, Equatorial Guinea pull a shock 1-0 win over Libya. A game which saw many chances and more goals ruled out than awarded. The hosts won the game with three minutes left when Javier Balboa (Ex-Real Madrid, La Liga fans) curled in the winner with three minutes left to break the "Freedom Fighters" (see what I did there) hearts. A shock win for me on this one

The second game looked a simple game on paper, Zambia taking of Senegal, easy peasy for Senegal, after all they are one of the favourites and have 'Strawberry Syrup' boy on fire.

It finished 2-1, to Zambia. Yes, Zambia. 2-0 after 20 minutes through goals from Emmanuel Mayuka and Rainford Kalaba, Senegal pulled one back through Dame Ndoye. In the second half Syrup boy slammed a header against the post when it was harder to do that then to put it in the goal, doh!

An interesting day one of this tournament and already one of the fancied teams could be in trouble

More updates to come through the week

(Ex) Goalkeepers yelling at defenders #7

2012-01-21T05:41:00.000-08:00

Michel Preud'homme

You never lose it.

While we were looking for Preud'homme pictures, we found this. We like the man, but that's going a bit far.

That's Conference! #7

2012-01-20T05:43:00.000-08:00

East Bengal v Pailan Arrows in India, uh oh.....

Nice touch with the header off the line, but taking your own goalkeeper out? That's Conference!

Why I love the Africa Cup of Nations

2012-01-20T05:32:00.000-08:00

As we are now past the midway point of January we now suddenly have the first major footballing tournament of 2012 rearing its lovely head in to our view. That's right, its time for the Africa Cup of Nations!

This biennial tournament (although there is one next year, confused? Yes....) is quite simply the most bonkers football tournament on the planet. That is a bold statement I hear you say but this tournament has everything; passion, emotion and some great games. Yes the quality of the games can at times be terrible and dull but the atmosphere is invariably incredible.

So the 2012 tournament is here. South Africa? check.....oh no celebrating too early and sitting back cost them, Nigeria?....oh under exile, Cameroon? Choked. Egypt and Algeria? They also fell by on the wayside.

So who does this leave as the front runners? Senegal, Ivory Coast, Morocco and Ghana have to be considered as potential champions going into the tournament but could the hosts Gabon and Equatorial Guinea be dark horses? Unlikely, both will need good home support to get them going. Home field advantage could spur them on but both lack consistent form.

My eyes focus on one team; Libya. Call me Mr Soppy but there is something slightly emotional about seeing the Mediterranean Knights qualify for the tournament given what has happened to this country in the last 12 months and one of their players, Walid Kahatroushi, fought against Gaddafi in the uprising.

Given this is Euro Football blog this tournament could well be a dream for European clubs; unknown stars could from some of the surprise qualifiers could prove to be a bargain in the summer (or late January, if they're quick) transfer window and lets not forget that 20 or so Premiership stars could be on show.

So settle back, close the curtains, put your TV on and be warmed by this special tournament.

follow Loz on Twitter. He's our main man when it comes to the ACN

Unbelievable Jeff! #5

2012-01-18T07:02:00.000-08:00

Celtic legend Shunsuke Nakamura hits a free-kick onto a moving bus. It's about a minute into this clip

Unbelievable Jeff!

Coupe d'Afrique des Nations previews - group C

2012-01-18T05:40:00.000-08:00

The fourth and last of our Coupe d'Afrique des Nations previews, following A, B and D, is, inevitably, C.

Gabon
Nickname: The Panthers. Some of these countries don't even try.

Co-hosts Gabon name St Etienne striker Pierre-Emerick Aubamayeng, but his two brothers don't make it due to injury. As an aside, Aubamayeng senior captained the country on their first appearance in the finals in 1994. Pierre-Emerick is the star man with the ageing Daniel Cousin alongside him.

Goalkeepers: Yann Bidonga (Mangasport), Stephane Bitseki Moto (US Bitam), Didier Ovono (Le Mans, France)
Defenders: Georges Ambourouet (Missile FC), Moise Brou Apanga (Brest, France), Bruno Ecuele Manga (Lorient, France), Rémy Ebanega (US Bitam), Edmond Mouele (Mangasport), Rodrigue Moundounga (Olympique Beja, Tunisia), Charly Moussonou (Missile FC), Henri Ndong (US Bitam)
Midfielders: Andre Biyogo Poko (Bordeaux, France), Cedric Boussougou (Mangasport), Lévy Madinda (Celta Vigo, Spain), Bruno Mbanangoye Zita (Dinamo Minsk, Ukraine), Cédric Moubamba (US Bitam), Lloyd Palun (Nice, France)
Forwards: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang (St Etienne, France), Daniel Cousin (FC Sapins), Fabrice Do Marcolino (Laval), Roguy Méyé (Zalaegerszeg, Hungary), Eric Mouloungui (Nice, France), Stéphane Nguéma (US Bitam)

Morocco
Nickname: Lions of the Atlas. The Barbary lion is extinct in the wild, but remains the national emblem. The same fate befell the Atlas bear and Barbary leopard. You have to conclude that Moroccans just like killing things they hold dear.

Eric Gerets names a strong squad, though Mounir El Hamdaoui pays for his lack of involvement at Ajax. Ahmed Kantari has only just returned from an Achilles injury, but is included. They've a wealth of talent up top. Keep an eye on Nordin Amrabat, Oussama Assaidi and the mercurial Adel Taarabt. Karim El Ahmadi, Younes Belhanda and the veteran Youssouf Hadji are all classy. They also have Marouane Chamakh. These lads are in with a shot.

Goalkeepers: Nadir Lamyaghri (Wydad Casablanca), Issam Badda (FUS Rabat), Mohamed Amsif (Augsburg, Germany)
Defenders: Jamal Allioui (Al Kharytiyath, Qatar), Michael Chrétien (Bursaspor, Turkey), Badr El Kaddouri (Celtic, Scotland), Abdelhamid El Kaoutari (Montpellier, France), Mehdi Benatia (Udinese, Italy), Abdelfattah Boukhriss (FUS Rabat), Mustapha Mrani (MAS), Ahmed Kantari (Brest, France)
Midfielders: Houcine Kharja (Fiorentina, Italy), Adil Hermach (Al Hilal, Saudi Arabia), Karim El Ahmadi (Feyenoord, Netherlands), Younes Belhanda (Montpellier, France), Mbark Boussoufa (Anzhi Makhachkala, Russia), Youssouf Hadji (Rennes, France), Mehdi Carcela (Anzhi Makhachkala, Russia)
Forwards: Nordin Amrabat (Kayserispor, Turkey), Oussama Assaidi (Heerenveen, Netherlands), Youssef El Arabi (Al Hilal, Saudi Arabia), Adel Taarabt (Queens Park Rangers, England), Marouane Chamakh (Arsenal, England)

Niger
Nickname: The Ménas. That, as if you needed telling, is the Hausa name for the Dama gazelle, a Saharan native whose numbers are dwindling as their habitat is destroyed. Bit of an over-reaction to a homewares store closing.

For their first appearance in the finals, Niger name seven locally-based players. Moussa Maazou who plays in Belgium is their star man and it was he who scored against reigning champions Egypt that set up both their qualification and Egypt's failure to do so. Jimmy Bulus and Jimmy Bullard are two different people.

Goalkeepers: Daouda Kassaly (Coton Sport, Cameroon), Rabo Saminou (Sahel SC), Lossény Doumbia (DC Motema Pembe, DR Congo)
Defenders: Koffi Dan Kowa (ES Zarzis, Tunisia), Kader Amadou Dodo (Olympic FC), Mohamed Chikoto (Platinium Stars, South Africa), Mohamed Soumaïla (Olympic FC), Djibrilla Moussa (AS Garde Nationale), Souleymane Mazadou (Union Sportive Marignanaise, France), Jimmy Bulus (Hussein Dey, Algeria), Issiaka Koudizé (AS Garde Nationale)
Midfielders: Idrissa Laouali (AS FAN), Abdoul-Karim Lancina (Coton Sport, Cameroon), William Tonji Ngounou (IF Limhamn, Sweden), Olivier Harouna Bonnes (Lille, France), Yacouba Ali (Africa Sports, Ivory Coast), Idrissa Saïdou (Coton Sport, Cameroon), Boubacar Talatou (Orlando Pirates, South Africa), Moutari Amadou (Akokana FC), Issoufou Boubacar (FC Phuket, Thailand)
Attackers: Moussa Maazou (Zulte Waregem, Belgium), Issoufou Alhassane Danté (Raja Casablanca, Morocco), Kamilou Daouda (CS Sfaxien, Tunisia)

Tunisia
Nickname: Eagles of Carthage. I went to Carthage once. The place is in ruins (thank the Romans at the end of the Punic Wars for that), I saw no eagles, but I did get bollocked for taking a photo of the President's house. That President was Zine El Abadine Ben Ali. AND WHERE IS HE NOW? Take that, you massive, corrupt, murdering arsehole.

Sami Trabelsi's side are a decent outside bet and look a solid outfit. Sami Allagui is the man to watch up front alongside Issam Jemaa and Karim Haggui is a solid Bundesliga performer, but there's a good range of experience across the 23 players. Winners? No. Semi-finalists however...

Goalkeepers: Rami Jeridi (Stade Tunisien), Aymen Mathlouthi (Etoile du Sahel), Moez Ben Cherifia (Esperance)
Defenders: Khalil Chammam (Esperance), Anis Boussaidi (Rostov, Russia), Aymen Abdennour (Toulouse, France), Bilel Iffa (Club Africain), Karim Haggui (Hannover, Germany), Ammar Jemal (FC Cologne, Germany)
Midfielders: Adel Chedli (Etoile du Sahel), Oussama Darragui (Esperance), Mejdi Traoui (Esperance), Khaled Korbi (Esperance), Wissem Ben Yahia (Mersin, Turkey), Yassine Chikhaoui (FC Zurich, Switzerland), Hocine Ragued (Karabukspor, Turkey), Jamel Saihi (Montpellier, France)
Forwards: Issam Jemaa (Auxerre, France), Zouhaier Dhaouadi (Club Africain), Youssef Msakni (Esperance), Saber Khelifa (Evian, France), Amine Chermiti (FC Zurich, Switzerland), Sami Allagui (Mainz, Germany)

Going through from this group: Morocco and Tunisia in no particular order.

The fun and games begin on Saturday with hosts Equatorial Guinea playing Libya and Senegal against Zambia later on that evening. We'll be covering it as best we can, hopefully with new writers for all you that are bored of the usual drivel.

That's Conference! #6

2012-01-17T14:34:00.000-08:00

FA Cup replays today in England including a local skirmish in the Midlands where Nottingham Forest travelled to Leicester City. Leicester ended up comfortable winners, but it could have been oh so different had USA international Robbie Findley not made an absolute mess of an open goal opportunity.

Findley has never scored for his country. And That's Conference!

Goalkeepers yelling at defenders #6

2012-01-17T11:19:00.001-08:00

Peter Schmeichel

The undoubted king of the genre

Coupe d'Afrique des Nations previews - group D

2012-01-17T11:09:00.000-08:00

We did group A and group B in conventional order, but y'know what? Screw convention. Here's a look at group D.

Botswana
Nickname: The Zebras. Safety in numbers, but a weak one is always liable to be picked off by a hungry leopard.

Botswana's preparation threatened to be spoiled by a row over bonuses for the players who had threatened to strike over the issue. Had they done so, the under-20s were set to represent the country at their first finals. All bar seven are locally based with six playing over the border in South Africa and their qualification is a genuine feel-good story.

Goalkeepers: Modiri Marumo (Bay United, South Africa), Noah Maposa (Gaborone United), Kabelo Dambe (Rollers)
Defenders: Mompathi Thuma (BDF XI), Ndiyapo Letsholathebe (Police XI), Musa Ohilwe (Gaborone United), Mosimanegape Ramohibidu (BMC), Monametsi Kelebale (NICO), Tshepo Motlhabankwe (Mochudi Centre Chiefs)
Midfielders: Mogogi Gabonamong (SuperSport United, South Africa), Joel Mogorosi, Pontsho Moloi, Othusitse Pilane (all Mochudi Centre Chiefs), Boitumelo Mafoko (Cape Town Santos, South Africa) Ofentse Nato (Gaborone United), Phenyo Mongala (Bloemfontein Celtic, South Africa), Patrick Motsepe, Tshireletso (BDF XI), Mogakolodi Ngele (Rollers)
Forwards: Jerome Ramatlhakwane (Unattached), Diphetogo Selolwane (SuperSport, South Africa), Onalethata Tshekiso (Rollers), Moemedi Moatlhaping (Bay United, South Africa)

Ghana
Nickname: Black Stars. So called because there's a black star on their flag, nothing Ron Atkinson about it at all.

Asamoah Gyan was a big doubt for the Black Stars, but makes the squad after making good progress following a hamstring injury. Kevin Prince Boateng's controversial retirement from international football and Michael Essien's injury woes are big blows, but it's still a strong side. The Ayew boys both make it and they are top players, André is the new African Player of the Year. These guys could go all the way.

Goalkeepers: Adam Kwarasey (Stromsgodset, Norway), Daniel Adjei (Liberty Professionals), Ernest Sowah (Berekum Chelsea)
Defenders: Samuel Inkoom (Dnipro, Ukraine), John Paintsil (Leicester City, England), Daniel Opare (Standard Liege, Belgium), Masawudu Alhassan (Genoa, Italy), Lee Addy (Dalian Aerbim, China), John Boye (Rennes, France), John Mensah (Lyon, France), Jonathan Mensah (Evian, France), Isaac Vorsah (Hoffenheim, Germany)
Midfielders: Charles Takyi (St Pauli, Germany), Emmanuel Agyemang Badu (Udinese, Italy), Derek Boateng (Dnipro, Ukraine), Anthony Annan (Vitesse Arnhem, Netherlands), Mohammed Abu (Stromsgodset, Norway), Kwadwo Asamoah (Udinese, Italy), Sulley Muntari (Internazionale, Italy), Andre Ayew (Marseille, France)
Forwards: Prince Tagoe (Bursaspor, Turkey), Asamoah Gyan (Al Ain, UAE), Jordan Ayew (Marseille, France)

Guinea
Nickname: National Elephants. Trying to dissociate themselves from the ivory trade, presumably and understandably, Guinea go to great lengths to make sure they're only domestic elephants and not imported ones.

Former France u21 international Abdoul Razzagui Camara is awaiting international clearance, but is included in Michel Dussuyer's squad. Kevin Constant, the Genoa midfielder, misses out with injury and that's a blow. Bobo Balde and Pascal Feindouno are set for their fourth finals.

Goalkeepers: Aboubacar Camara (Alcoyano, Spain), Abdoul Aziz Keita (AS Kaloum), Naby Yattara (Arles-Avignon, France)
Defenders: Thierno Bah (Lausanne, Switzerland), Dianbodo 'Bobo' Baldé (Arles-Avignon, France), Ibrahima Sory Bangoura (Djoliba, Mali), Lanfia Camara (WS Woluwe, Belgium), Morlaye Cissé (EGS Gafsa, Tunisia), Ibrahima Diallo (Waasland Beveren, Belgium), Kamil Zayatte (Buyuksehir, Turkey), Oumar Kalabané (Al Dhafra, United Arab Emirates)
Midfielders: Mamadou Dioulde Bah (VfB Stuttgart, Germany), Habib Jean Balde (Universitatea Cluj, Romania), Sadio Diallo (Bastia, France), Pascal Feindouno (Sion, Switzerland), Naby Soumah (CS Sfaxien, Tunisia)
Forwards: Alhassane Bangoura (Rayo Vallecano, Spain), Ismael Bangoura (Al Nasr, United Arab Emirates), Ousmane Barry (Etoile du Sahel, Tunisia), Abdoul Razzagui Camara (Sochaux, France), Ibrahima Conté (Ghent, Belgium), Ibrahim Traoré (VfB Stuttgart, Germany), Ibrahima Yattara (Al Shabab, Saudi Arabia)

Mali
Nickname: The Eagles. Soaring majestically across the planes, picking off small rodents but never the larger prey. Sums Mali up about right. They've got style and will crush smaller nations before running out of ideas of how to take on the really big fish.

Another decent outside bet, Alain Giresse has a decent squad to pick from. Barcelona's Seydou Keita is undoubtedly the star, but there are plenty of others to watch, notably Modibo Maiga up top and a phalanx of Traorés in midfield

Goalkeepers: Oumar Sissoko (Metz, France), Soumbeyla Diakité (Stade Malien), Alimamy Sogoba (As Réal)
Defenders: Ousmane Coulibaly (Brest, France), Idrissa Coulibaly (Esperance Tunis, Tunisia), Drissa Diakité (Nice, France), Cedric Kanté (Panathinaikos, Greece), Mohamed Fofana (Toulouse, France), Adama Tamboura (Metz, France ), Mouhamadou N'Diaye (Vitoria Guimarães, Portugal), Abdoulaye Maiga (USM Alger, Algeria)
Midfielders: Seydou Keita (Barcelona, Spain), Kalilou Traoré (OB Odense, Denmark), Bakay Traoré (Nancy, France), Abdou Traoré (Bordeaux, France), Samba Diakité (Nancy, France), Mahamané Traoré (Metz , France), Sidi Koné (Lyon, France), Samba Sow (Lens, France)
Forwards: Modibo Maiga (Sochaux, France), Garra Dembélé (Freiburg, Germany), Cheick Tidiané Diabaté (Bordeaux, France), Mustapha Yatabaré (Guingamp, France)

Going through from this group: Ghana top, Mali second.

Vague Round-up #2

2012-01-16T14:14:00.000-08:00

All you need to know about last weekend's action around Europe, vaguely...

The headlines:

Red team lose to blue team who go six-in-a-row while handing title boost to black-and-white team in the boot-shaped country.
Oil-rich northerners and surprise package southerners pull clear on the Hexagon.
Big two Iberians extend their lead, stripey Basques make a push for Europe.
Differing fortunes for two capital sides on the island. Two wins in a row for a blue one mean their crisis is over, passing the crisis baton to red neighbours who have lost two in a row. Interlopers from small Principality prove capable at passing the ball around in pretty triangles.
Purple side from sprout capital of Europe pull out big gap at the top of their league, but with a stupid and over-complicated play-off system, it doesn’t mean a great deal.
Everyone with African (except Cameroonian/Nigerian/South African/Egyptian) players prepare ready-made excuses for poor showing.
Holidays winding down for Germanic nations. Back to work next weekend.

You are now informed. More next week.

Goalkeepers yelling at defenders #5

2012-01-16T12:11:00.000-08:00

Julio Cesar

Kaká getting it in the ear.

Coupe d'Afrique des Nations previews - group B

2012-01-16T11:50:00.000-08:00

Group A got a going over here and we continue now in highly predictable, orthodox fashion by running the rule over group B next.

Angola
Nickname: Sable Antelopes. The critically endangered Giant Sable Antelope is native to Angola. That's all we got.

Former German u21 international Nando Rafael is included by Lito Vidigal, though doesn't yet have FIFA permission to use him. Rafael fled Angola's civil war as a child and needs to be granted change of international status before being able to play. With or without him, they look a bit tasty up front, less so at the back.

Goalkeepers: Carlos (unattached), Hugo (Kabuscorp), Wilson (Primeiro Agosto),
Defenders: Amaro (Primeiro Agosto), Dani Massunguna (Primeiro Agosto), Kali (Primeiro Agosto), Marco Airosa (AEL Limassol, Cyprus), Mingo Bille (Primeiro Agosto), Zuela (Atromitos, Greece)
Midfielders: Andre Makanga (Al Jahra, Kuwait), Dede (AEL Limassol, Cyprus), Gilberto (Lierse, Belgium), Mabina (Petro Atletico), Miguel (Petro Atletico), Osorio (Recreativo Caala), Xara (Petro Atletico)
Forwards: Djalma (FC Porto, Portugal), Flavio (Lierse, Belgium), Jose Pierre Vunguidica (Preussen Munster, Germany), Love (Petro Atletico), Manucho (Real Valladolid, Spain), Mateus Galiano (Nacional, Portugal), Nando Rafael (FC Augsburg, Germany)

Burkina Faso
Nickname: The Stallions. Either some MOR indie rock band like Foals or a tribute to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Chelsea's 16-year old midfielder Bertrand Traoré and he's set to be the third-youngest player at the finals. He's named alongside his brother Alain of AJ Auxerre in France. Burkina Faso's participation was only confirmed after a protest from Namibia about the eligibility of Cameroon-born defender Hervé Zengué. They were cleared, but Zengué has failed to make the cut for the tournament.

Goalkeepers: Daouda Diakité (KV Turnhout, Belgium), Moussa Germain Sanou (St Etienne, France), Adama Sawadogo (Missile, Gabon)
Defenders: Ibrahim Gnanou (Alania Vladikavkaz, Russia), Bakary Koné (Olympique Lyon, France), Paul Koulibaly (Charleroi, Belgium), Saidou Mady Panandétiguiri (Valletta, Malta), Mamadou Tall (Persepolis, Iran)
Midfielders: Wilfried Balima (Sheriff Tiraspol, Moldova), Charles Kaboré (Olympique Marseille, France), Mahamadou Kéré (Konyaspor, Turkey), Mohamed Koffi (Petrojet, Egypt), Djakaridja Kone (Dynamo Bucharest, Romania), Jonathan Pitroipa (Stades Rennes, France), Florent Rouamba (Sheriff Tiraspol. Moldova), Bertrand Traoré (Chelsea, England)
Forwards: Aristide Bancé (Samsunspor, Turkey), Moumouni Dagano (Al Khor, Qatar), Prejuce Nakoulma (Gornik Zabrze, Poland), Issiaka Ouédraogo (FC Admira Wacker Modling, Austria), Abdou Razak Traoré (Lechia Gdansk, Poland), Alain Traoré (AJ Auxerre, France), Narcisse Yameogo (AD Camacha, Portugal)

Cote d'Ivoire
Nickname: Elephants. Big, lumbering, physical specimens. A bit like Didier Drogba, but without the falling over.

Another of the favourites, it's a strong Elephants squad named by Francois Zahoui. All the familiar names are there; Drogba, Tioté, the Touré boys, Kalou, Zokora, Gradel, Eboué... they just keep coming. They have underperformed in recent tournaments, but there can be no excuses with this squad.

Goalkeepers: Barry Boubacar (Lokeren, Belgium), Gerrard Gnanahouan (Avranches, France), Daniel Yeboah (Dijon, France)
Defenders: Siake Tiené (Paris St Germain, France), Arthur Boka (Stuttgart, Germany), Benjamin Angoua Brou (Valenciennes, France), Igor Lolo (FC Kuban Krasnodar, Russia), Didier Zokora (Trabzonspor, Turkey), Emmanuel Eboué (Galatasaray, Turkey), Kolo Touré (Manchester City, England), Souleymane Bamba (Leicester City, England)
Midfielders: Kafoumba Coulibaly (Nice, France), Jean-Jacques Gosso Gosso (Orduspor, Turkey), Didier Ya Konan (Hannover, Germany), Cheick Tioté (Newcastle United, England), Max Gradel (St Etienne, France), Yaya Touré (Manchester City, England)
Forwards: Gervinho (Arsenal, England), Seydou Doumbia (CSKA Moscow, Russia), Didier Drogba (Chelsea, England), Salomon Kalou (Chelsea, England), Wilfried Bony (Vitesse Arnhem, Netherlands), Abdul Kader Keita (Al Sadd, Qatar)

Sudan
Nickname: Nile Crocodiles. The longest crocodiles in the world.

It's an entirely domestically-based squad - the only one at the finals - named by the Nile Crocodiles, so at least these boys know each other. The country hadn't split when the qualifying began, so this is the last time they'll appear as a single nation.

Goalkeepers: Mouez Mohjob (Al Hilal), Bhaldien Mohammed (Al Merreikh), Akram Al Hadi (Al Merreikh)
Defenders: Mosab Omar (Al Merreikh), Ngemaldien Abdullah (Al Merreikh), Ahmed Al Basha (Al Merreikh), Bala Jaber (Al Merreikh), Mowaia Bashir (Ittihad Madani), Siefaldien Ali (Al Hilal), Khaliefa Ahmed (Al Hilal)
Midfielders: Hisam Mustaffa (Al Hilal), Baderaldien Aldoud (Al Merreikh), Faisal Musa (Al Merreikh), Amier Kamal (Al Merreikh), Nazer Hamed (Al Hilal), Mohamed Al Tahir (Al Hilal) Alaadine Yousif (Al Hilal), Mohammed Ahmed Bashir (Al Hilal), Mohammed Moussi (Al Nsoor)
Forwards: Ramadan Alagab (Al Mourada), Mohammed Sheikh Eldin (Al Hasahesa), Eltaib Mudather (Al Hilal), Abdulrahman Hassan (Al Merreikh)

Going through from this group: Cote d'Ivoire top by miles, Angola to join them in the second round as they look likely to score more than they concede, i.e. do a Newcastle.

Coupe d'Afrique des Nations previews - Group A

2012-01-15T04:37:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is Euroballs and not Africaballs, CAFBalls or whatever, but for a month or so, we'll be sat in front of the TV watching the Africa Cup of Nations. It's generally entertaining fare and gives us a look at players we wouldn't otherwise get to see. We also love the nicknames.

Trivialising things is something we do well and suffice to say that 2011 was quite a year for Africa. Revolutions in the north, it's biggest country divorcing from itself, it's biggest economy seeking draconian media laws and uprisings in the south against self-styled Sun Kings. And this is before Zimbabwe kicks off it's traditional pre-election brutality. Again with the trivialising and possibly distasteful analogy, it was quite a year for football as well. A changing of the guard, if you will. Egypt's revolution exposed huge rifts in the squad and the three-time reigning champions failed to qualify. Neither did big-hitters Cameroon and South Africa while Nigeria were banned by their own government from participation and Togo were late inclusions in qualification after the amoral ban by CAF for failing to fulfil fixtures at the last edition of the tournament on the trifling grounds that they'd been shot up in Cabinda. All of which leaves Cote d'Ivoire, Senegal and Ghana as stand-out favourites. It's a co-hosted affair with the tiny, mineral-rich Equatorial Guinea making their first appearance at the finals and big neighbours Gabon sharing duties and taking two of the 16 spots on offer with Botswana and Niger also appearing for the first time.

We start our previews in the alphabetically-ordered fashion by having a look at Group A.

Equatorial Guinea
Nickname: Nzalang Nacional. Bit of a mouthful, not especially inspiring. Same number of syllables as the name of the country (FACT!) which makes neither particularly chantable on the terraces.

Brazilian coach Gilson Paulo names seven naturalised players in his squad. Danilo Emanuel is Brazilian while Lawrence Doe is from Liberia and Thierry Fidjeu is Cameroonian by birth. Former Spain u18 international Ivan Zarandona does not make the cut though. Co-hosts, this is their first appearance at the finals.

Goalkeepers: Danilo Emanuel (America, Brazil), Felipe Ovono (Sony de Ela Nguema), Achil Pensi Muokembe (The Panthers)
Defenders: Lawrence Sokota Doe (Al Shabab, Oman), Jose Bokung (Deportivo de Mongomo), Rui Fernando da Gracia Gomes (Logrones, Spain), David Álvarez (Langreo, Spain), Armando Sipoto Buale (Badajoz, Spain), Raúl Ivan Fabiani Bosio (C. D. Alcoyano, Spain)
Midfielders: Ben Esono Konate (The Panthers), Daniel Vazquez Evuy (Villaviciosa, Spain), Rolan de la Cruz Biyogo (Fortaleza, Colombia), Juvenal Edjogo Owono (Sabadell, Spain), Narcisse Ekanga Amia (TP Mazembe, DR Congo), Raúl Juan Máximo Eyama (Deportivo de Mongomo), Jose Javier Balboa Osa (SC Beira-Mar, Portugal), Fousseiny Kamissoko (Al Shabab, Oman)
Forwards: Ellong Douwala Viera (Sony de Ela Nguema), Rodolfo Bodipo (Deportivo de A Coruna, Spain), Ivan Bolado Palacios (Cartagena, Spain), Iban 'Randy' Iyanga (Union Deportiva Las Palmas, Spain), Thierry Fidjeu Tazemeta (Konyaspor, Turkey), Daniel-Bladimir Ekedo (San Roque de Lepe, Spain)

Libya
Nickname: Mediterranean Knights. A new nickname for a reborn nation, even if it does sound like a seedy porn star, a crap Wham single or a themed fancy dress party aboard a cruise liner. If they really wanted a new image for the nation, we'd have suggested 'FUCK YOU GADAFFI'.

Despite the upheaval in the country, Libya were quietly impressive in qualifying, going unbeaten, but finishing second behind Zambia. Veteran striker Osama Al Fazaani pulled out citing personal reasons, but Ahmed Zuway and Younes Al Shibani return after missing the Pan-Arab Games. Braga's Djamal Abdallah is the star man.

Goalkeepers: Samir Aboud (Al Ittihad), Joumaa Gtit (Al Ahly), Mohamed Nachnouch (Al Ittihad)
Defenders: Mohamed Al Moghrabi (Olympique Khourigba, Morocco), Mohamed Mounir (FK Jagodina, Serbia), Younes Al Chibani (Olympique Khourigba, Morocco), Ali Salama (Olympique Beja, Tunisia), Oussama Achtiba (Al Najma, Lebanon), Ahmed Al Alwani (Al Madina), Rabii Al Lafi (Club Africain, Tunisia), Abdelaziz Belrich (Al Ittihad)
Midfielders: Jamal Abdallah (FC Braga, Portugal), Mohamed Al Snani (US Monastir, Tunisia), Marwan Al Mabrouk (Al Ittihad), Aboubakr Al Abidi (Al Nasr), Moataz Ben Amer (Al Ahly Benghazi), Walid Al Khatrouchi (Al Ittihad), Abdallah Al Cherif (Al Madina), Oussama Abdelsalam (Al Akhdhar), Faicel Al Badri (Al Hilal)
Forwards: Ahmed Saad (Club Africain, Tunisia), Ahmed Al Zwei (CA Bizertin, Tunisia), Ihab Al Boussifi (Al Ittihad)

Senegal
Nickname: Lions of Teranga. Not just any old lions, oh no, but lions of Teranga. Which are different and better than normal lions.

One of the favourites for the tournament, Senegal name a strong side packed with familiar names. Demba Ba, Moussa Sow and Papiss Demba Cissé make for a formidable strike force and while it looks light in midfield, there's plenty of versatility in the players named. Armand Traoré switches allegiance from France for whom he was a youth international.

Goalkeepers: Khadim Ndiaye (ASC Linguere), Bouna Coundoul (New York Red Bulls, USA), Pape Latyr Ndiaye (Ouakam)
Defenders: Kader Mangane (Rennes, France), Souleymane Diawara (Marseille, France), Lamine Sané (Bordeaux, France), Jacques Faty (Sivasspor, Turkey), Moustapha Bayal Sall (St Etienne, France), Pape Malickou Diakhaté (Granada, Spain), Cheikh Mbengue (Toulouse, France), Armand Traoré (QPR, England), Omar Daf (Brest, France)
Midfielders: Rémi Gomis (Valenciennes, France) , Mouhamed Diamé ( Wigan, England), Guirane N'Daw (Birmingham City, England), Ndiaye Dème Ndiaye (Arles-Avignon, France)
Forwards: Issiar Dia ( Fenerbahce, Turkey), Moussa Sow (Lille, France), Papiss Demba Cissé (Freiburg, Germany), Souleymane Camara (Montpelier, France), Mamadou Niang (Al Sadd, Qatar), Demba Ba (Newcastle United, England), Dame N'Doye (FC Copenhagen, Denmark).

Zambia
Nickname: Copper Bullets. Sounds like a euphemism in Viz's matchless Profanisaurus for turds.

James Chamanga was an injury doubt, but has recovered sufficiently to boost Zambia's attacking options. Young Boys' forward Emmanuel Mayuka is the star man. Gabon has unhappy memories for Zambia. It was there in 1993 that the brilliant national team was wiped out in a plane crash.

Goalkeepers: Kennedy Mweene (Free State Stars, South Africa), Kalililo Kakonje (TP Mazembe, DR Congo), Joshua Titima (Power Dynamos)
Defenders: Francis Kasonde, Hichani Himonde, Stopilla Sunzu (all TP Mazembe, DR Congo), Nyambe Mulenga (Zesco United), Davies Nkausu (SuperSport United, South Africa), Joseph Musonda (Golden Arrows, South Africa), Kampamba Chintu (BidVests Wits, South Africa)
Midfielders: Nathan Sinkala (Green Buffaloes), Rainford Kalaba (TP Mazembe DR Congo), Noah Chivuta (Free State Stars, South Africa), Isaac Chansa (Orlando Pirates, South Africa), Clifford Mulenga (Bloemfontein Celtics, South Africa), Chisamba Lungu (Ural Oblast, Russia), Jonas Sakuwaha (El Merreikh, Sudan), Felix Katongo (Green Buffaloes), Christopher Katongo (Henan Jienye, China)
Forwards: Evans Kangwa (Nkana), Collins Mbesuma (Golden Arrows, South Africa), Emmanuel Mayuka (Young Boys, Switzerland) and James Chamanga (Dalian Shide, China)

Going through from this group: Senegal top by plenty, Equatorial Guinea last by plenty. Probably Zambia to edge out Libya for the second spot.

Goalkeepers yelling at defenders #4

2012-01-13T13:55:00.000-08:00

Maarten Stekelenburg

Pouty

Unbelievable Jeff! #4

2012-01-13T13:21:00.000-08:00

So you're a striker. Your first touch is rubbish - even takes you away from goal. What do you do? Hows about taking another touch away from goal and back-heeling it back past the lackadaisical keeper?

Unbelievable Jeff!

Goalkeepers yelling at defenders #3

2012-01-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

Hope Solo

"I'm not angry, just disappointed"
Equality

Goalkeepers yelling at defenders #2

2012-01-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

Gianluigi Buffon:

Classic

Goalkeepers yelling at defenders #1

2012-01-10T14:48:00.000-08:00

Apropos of conversations with the good folk @NutmegRadio, an idea came about to document pictorially the myriad ways goalkeepers blame everyone but themselves for their failings.

So here's number 1 in an ongoing series and someone we reckon has had a lot of practice at this, Liechtenstein international Peter Jehle:

Give those useless buggers what for, Peter.

Seen a keeper berating a defender? Snapped an angry custodian yourself? Let us know on the Twitter or leave us a comment.

Vague Round Up

2012-01-10T12:12:00.000-08:00

A surprising start to the year in Italy where there were lots of goals scored as the new year maybe bought a new attitude. The top three were all winners, two by big margins while the third had to settle for a single goal away win. The biggest losers of the day were were thumped away from home by a side near the foot of the table. Big transfer news also sees a player moving from one club to another for a significant sum of money.

A split round in an Iberian country saw half the games on one day of the weekend with the rest on the other. The league leaders were big winner while there nearest rivals were held in a tense derby. A foreign player was subjected to animal chants but the president just brushed the accusation aside. Draws were the common denominator this week with 60% of the games ending this way with the Italian 0-0 theme occurring in 50% of those.

In another Iberian country the players returned from their Christmas break and the second half of the season opened with a comfortable win for the league leaders. The next two teams met and no goals were scored. The thing about this Iberian league this weekend is only one of the games ended in stalemate with the goals flying in.

There was a break from the league in another country as the cup took over and there were plenty of shocks as well. An Englishman abroad got a hat-trick in his sides big win. The big tie of the round went all the way to penalties where the away side emerged victorious. The big guns all had a safe enough passage into the last 32. More woe for the team from the Principality – their new Russian sugar daddy has a real job on his hands. Meanwhile, an ex-playing poet has turned his collar up and set his sights on the Presidency

Cup competitions were a plenty on the Island as well. The derby match was surrounded by controversy while only one top flight team were defeated by lower league opposition. More problems with alleged racism during one game while the top two in the other cup competition both progressed easily as well. North of the capital’s river, the wanderer returned and if they hadn’t already built a statue of him, they’d be starting right now.

The other leagues are still enjoying their winter break at the moment so all the players will be on the beach in a Middle East location laughing at those running about in foolish temperatures.

Getting the old band back together

2012-01-10T11:01:00.000-08:00

It turns out that Manchester United's people tasked with finding the new Paul Scholes were looking in the wrong place. In fact, the new Paul Scholes turned out to be the old Paul Scholes. Similarly, when wishing for a new Thierry Henry, Arsene Wenger decided his best bet was to re-hire the old one, a trick he looks like he may soon be repeating by signing the new/old Robert Pires.

The benefits are obvious. In the case of Scholes, it's mere months since he last played at United and he's been coaching at junior levels so has never really been away from the club he represented over 17 years. While Henry had over four years away, he was there for a long time and has worked with Wenger for even longer than that. The players know the management, a lot of the other players, the fans - everything. It's not a question of whether these guys can settle - that they will is a given and put paid to any notion of it taking however many months to adjust to new environments and new playing styles.

It would be more difficult going back to a club like Palermo or Atlético Madrid where coaches are changed on a quarterly basis, even if it's during one Francesco Guidloin or Luis Aragonés's multiple appointments at those clubs. Neither would it be sensible to attempt to bring someone back to a club where squad turnover is high - Manchester City or Real Madrid, say. A healthy throughput of younger players who may look up to a returning legend is also helpful, rather than a dressing room full of big egos who would naturally be put out by suddenly having a team-mate whose statue stands outside the stadium. With all that in mind, it's clear there are few clubs better equipped for a move like this to work other than Manchester United and Arsenal, though Everton's re-signing of Landon Donovan also follows the pattern.

With managers notoriously reluctant to sign new players in the January window, getting the old band back together is a lower cost and lower risk alternative, provided the right environment exists. All of which leads to a mental image of Wenger and Pat Rice sitting in an old Dodge police car: "It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark... and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it."

We all love a goalscoring goalie

2012-01-06T13:20:00.000-08:00

When Tim Howard's massive, wind-assisted, hoof upfield sailed over Adam Bogdan's head, it reminded us all of how great it is to see goalkeepers score. It's a collectors item to rank alongside outfield players going in goal, dogs on the pitch and people scoring penalties past Michel Vorm.
The revisionist version of post-1992 history tells you that Howard was the fourth English Premier League goalkeeper to score as though that was somehow significant. Jorge Campos, the Mexican keeper of the 1990s, often played up front to some degree of success, as did York City and Northern Ireland legend Alan Fettis, but Stuart Pearce's deployment of David James as an auxiliary striker was rather less successful. Peter Schmeichel was a serial beneficiary of going up for late corners and the phenomenon of the ball seeming to be attracted to the multi-coloured big unit who is up there to make a nuisance of himself. Paul Robinson managed two types - the massive hoof and ridiculous bounce combo and a header from a corner, but what a header. Near post, craned his neck to turn it in. Vincent Enyeama takes a mean penalty and with 100 yards to run back into position if you miss, you'd better make sure.
Here though are our top five goalscoring custodians:

5. Dimitar Ivankov
A penalty merchant from Bulgaria, Ivankov bagged 25 in a ten-season spell with home-town Levski Sofia before moving to Turkey. With Kayserispor, he won a Turkish Cup medal in 2008 and the run through the competition included scoring two and saving eight penalties. A better 12-yard expert in world football is hard to find.

4. Hans-Jorg Butt
Butt makes a decent case for it though. He holds the record (at time of writing) for most penalties by anyone - not just goalkeepers - in any European professional league, a stat helped by his longevity as he's in his 18th season of professional football. He has more goals than any other keeper in the Champions League as well - a modest three - but he's more aware than anyone of what can happen to penalty-taking goalkeepers:

3. Jose Luis Chilavert
The flamboyant Paraguayan keeper holds a number of distinctions. More international goals than any other keeper is impressive enough - more international goals than Emile Heskey is perhaps significant too - and included four in Paraguay's run to qualifying for the 2002 World Cup but his hat-trick for Vélez Sarsfield is a mark that will take some beating. 57 goals in all competitions and a red card for punching Faustino Asprilla: quite a legacy.

2. Rogério Ceni
Sheer weight of numbers do it for Rogério, the only keeper to pass the 100 goals mark. A one-club man, he's spent the entirety of his 22-year (and counting) career with São Paulo where he's bagged 55 free-kicks and 46 penalties out of 103 (at time of writing) goals. He's made 17 appearances for Brazil, but sadly never managed to find the back of the net.

1. Jimmy Glass
Glass only scored one goal in his career, but what a significant one it was for a number of clubs. It was 1999, last day of the season in England's fourth division and Glass was playing for Carlisle at home to Plymouth. He'd only joined on an emergency loan a couple of weeks previously and this was his third and last game for the club. Carlisle were in a fight to stave off relegation to non-league football - the second relegation place being between them and Scarborough.
Scarborough had drawn their game and with Carlisle losing, the Cumbrians were heading down. At Seamer Road, Scarborough fans were celebrating on the pitch, but the game at Brunton Park dragged on. Deep in stoppage time, long after the classified results had been read, Scott Dobie's shot wasn't held and Glass pounced, prodding it high into the net. Now the Carlisle fans celebrated and the mood changed at Scarborough. The result was significant to both sides. Scarborough were out of business a few seasons later while Carlisle are established in the third tier. It also cheered up York City fans who, earlier in the day, were relegated to the fourth division after a gubbing at Maine Road. For it's significance alone, Jimmy Glass is our top boy.

Steve McClaren returns to FC Twente

2012-01-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

The return today of Steve McClaren to the happiest of his former hunting grounds is the sort of thing you'd probably be expecting us to cover, perhaps even to take the piss.
Well we won't be taking the piss. We think it's a great move all round and hope that McClaren repeats the levels of success he enjoyed in his first stint at FC Twente. He's back at a well-run club with a talented and young group of players and good luck to the man.

As for covering it, we did over at the exemplary, award-winning Inbedwithmaradona.com. At the time of writing, Co Adriaanse was still in the job - he wasn't for much longer - and the rumours of McClaren's return were just that - rumours. We had a look at what lies in wait on the Yorkshireman's return to Holland.

That's Conference! #5 - A Mario Gomez special

2011-12-31T07:32:00.000-08:00

'The home of the Mario Gomez fan club' it says at the top of the page. That's more than tongue-in-cheek - it's an outright lie. Gomez, for all he keeps scoring goals, is rubbish. If you look at him for long enough, you'll be blinded by the goals into ignoring the fact that they're all either penalties, rebounds from crap penalties or two-yard tap-ins after someone else has done all the hard work. His constant goal-scoring exploits are therefore, to us anyway, a source of both bafflement and annoyance. With all that in mind, here's a special edition of That's Conference! dedicated to the big man.

First, three yards out, open goal. He can't possibly miss:

Next, great work from Franck Ribéry, neat cut back. He's eight yards out. All he has to do is pick his spot:

Edge of the area, license to shoot. Head over the ball, keep it down...

Trip over the ball, why not?

It would only be fair to end with an actual goal, by way of balance. Here, he bags a consolation for Stuttgart after being routed by FC Bayern (a one-yard tap-in, naturally). And what's the thanks he gets? A punch in the swingers:

Mario Gomez: That's Conference!
Here's to more in 2012.

Poetry corner: More lines on Ancelotti at PSG

2011-12-31T04:47:00.000-08:00

So Carlo is in the place

to give the Parisians a new face

And to get the girls to drop their kecks

He's going to go and sign Dave Becks

And there's bound to be a different offer

To which a certain striker may be proffered

And to put more noses out of joint

Drogba's coming to prove a point

So all is well in with the riches

At the stately Parc des Princes*

With a side you could pick on football manager for the Atari

This is actually real life for the Qataris

* - Yes, we know. Artistic license yeah

Poetry corner: Lines on the PSG coaching job

2011-12-30T06:35:00.000-08:00

So farewell then Antoine Kombouaré.
You may have been a decent player,
You may have done well at Valenciennes,
But you were never the 'name' the Qataris wanted.
Let's face it;
Your goose was cooked as soon as the sale was complete.
Sacked
With your team top of the league.
That sucks.

So hello Carlo Ancelotti
And your permanently raised eyebrow.
You now have to make PSG play sexy football
Which isn't something you've ever done elsewhere.
It may be handy to learn the Arabic
Word for 'catenaccio'.
You seem a likeable chap
But it'll still be funny
If you don't win anything.
Sorry about that.

The Euroballs review of 2011

2011-12-24T04:51:00.000-08:00

Over our traditional festive drink-a-thon, we've started to get all emotional and retrospective. Here's how we saw events of the past 12 months.

Coach of the year

There are lots of contenders for this. Young coaches with fresh ideas and philosophies - Jurgen Klopp, Thomas Tuchel - old masters still being absurd and brilliant in equal measure - Marcelo Bielsa - but it's from the first bracket we pick our man: Heiko Vogel. The former PE teacher wasn't ruffled by the departure of his boss Thorsten Fink, quietly took the reins at FC Basel and guided them to the knockout stages of the Champions League without fuss and without worrying about the club talking to other potential gaffers.

Worst run club of the year

What a competition we had for this award. Kettering Town went close, Portsmouth have become perennial contenders, but our winners go that bit further because they go against an entire nation's stereotypical reputation for efficiency: Neuchatel Xamax. Run by a egomaniac gangster who seems to want to rival Palermo's prolific Maurizio Zamparini in terms of sacking coaches.

The 'shouldn't this have been sorted months ago' award

Strong competition for this, especially over the English FA's lengthy deliberations over a pair of racism charges and the Luis Suárez bird-flip at Fulham, but the case of FC Sion dragged on past christmas before a final resolution. That resolution was the Swiss FA docking the club 36 league points for their use of ineligible players - players signed during a transfer ban. Had the Swiss FA not acted, FC Basel's tremendous run to the knockout stages of the Champions League was under threat. Nobody has come out of this well. It could and should have been apparent before the Europa League qualifiers and dealt with then. Sion's recourse to as many courts as possible looks costly and wasteful and now they're about to be relegated, 16 points adrift at the bottom of the league on a QI-esque score of -5.

Teaboy of the year

Paul Dickov, handing out refreshment on a freezing Oldham afternoon - one chap had to be taken to hospital with hypothermia - as Latics fans queued for tickets for the big FA Cup tie at Anfield.

The 'you didn't want to do that' award

The lad that got booted by Esteban Alvarado at the Amsterdam ArenA. Sore bollocks and a six-month sentence. And while Bas Nijhuis was probably correct to send Alvarado off, the red card has been rescinded. Common sense reins at the KNVB.

Dick-swingers of the year

Strong showings here by Barcelona, Chelsea, even Liverpool. New boys PSG and Anzhi Makhachkala rose to the task, but in posting a £195m loss for the year, it's a retention of the title by transfer-market distorters extraordinaire, Manchester City.

Man Of The Year

Well it should probably be someone who has given us huge amounts of pleasure like Lionel Messi, Dimitar Berbatov, Bryan Ruiz or Esteban Alvarado. Instead, we'll take the cynics route out and say Sepp Blatter. A Machiavellian delight, he survives by smearing all potential opposition as corrupt while continuing a cosy arrangement over World Cup rights sales through his nephew's company. Which is quite an impressive trick to pull off when you think about it.

Here's hoping for more strong contenders in these categories in 2012.
Best wishes to all (both) our readers and keep it here for the best in football nonsense.

Unbelievable Jeff! #3

2011-12-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

So, tonight's Dutch Cup match between Ajax Amsterdam and AZ Alkmaar was abandoned after this incident when an idiot fan ran onto the pitch to attack the AZ goalkeeper Esteban. The fan comes running on with a flying kick at the Costa Rican stopper who manages to avoid the idiot before landing a couple of hefty boots himself. Esteban was subsequently sent off by Jeremain Len's best friend Bas Nijhuis after the incident, so the whole AZ team did the decent thing and trooped off behind. The match was suspended and subsequently abandoned.

As we thought, the YouTube video got pulled so here it is on the BBC Sport Website

Unbelievable Jeff!

Unbelievable Jeff! #2

2011-12-21T10:15:00.000-08:00

The wonderfully named Kevin Harbottle of Universidad Católica in Chile comes up with one of the all-time great nutmegs and then backs it up with a second, slightly more orthodox one.

With thanks to Rupert Fryer who bought this to our attention via the CONMEBalls Twitter feed

Unbelievable Jeff!

Unbelievable Jeff! #1

2011-12-20T11:06:00.000-08:00

This is actually a bit harsh for That's Conference! But it's unbelievable and needed sharing with the wider world so we decided to create a new feature into the bargain as well.

This one comes from the the Hong Kong First Division game between Sunray Cave JC Sun Hei and Citizen AA at the weekend. Citizen were three nil up thanks to a hat-trick from Yuto Nakamura when, with ten minutes left, Nigerian import Festus Baise decided to be a bit fancy dan with a clearance and only succeeded in looping it over goalkeeper Tse Tak Him and into the back of the net. It gave Sunray Cave JC Sun Hei some hope and five minutes later they reduced the gap to one goal but couldn't complete a remarkable comeback to go down 3-2.

Unbelievable Jeff!

Barcelona dominate in Yokohama

2011-12-18T04:38:00.000-08:00

Barcelona dominated the Club World Cup final from first to last and handed Santos a lesson into the bargain as they added yet another trophy to the frankly ridiculous collection they're building up in what will no doubt become known as the Guardiola era.

The Catalans dominated from the off and it proved something of a surprise that it took a full quarter of an hour before they took the lead. They did with a quite outstanding goal; Xavi with a sublime touch and Lionel Messi with a delightful, cheeky, impish, just plain sexy chip over the stranded Cabral. Xavi turned finisher a few moments later as the Blaugrana carved open their South American rivals, Dani Alves prominent on the right. There was so much space on the flanks, the ball came in from the right and Xavi was on the edge of the box to sweep it home.

A goalmouth scramble - Barca can even make those look amazing - saw the third goal come on the stroke of half time. A wonderful back-heel from Messi played in Alves down the right and the ball found it's way, via half a dozen other feet, to Cesc Fabregas, unmarked on the back stick, and he passed it across goal and inside the far post. Santos trudged off the field, heads on chests, already a beaten side.

The second half started as the first ended with Fabregas starting the move and the eventual shot grazing the outside of the post via Cabral's fingertips. Andres Iniesta was almost a peripheral figure in the first half, but he too went close after a stereotypical passage of intricate passing, but aside from that, Barcelona were content to keep the ball away from Santos and preserve the lead they'd built. The third goal had killed the game.

A fourth eventually arrived with eight minutes to go, Alves playing Messi in whose initial control was poor, but it served a purpose in drawing Cabral out of his goal allowing the little Argentine to take the ball round him and pass it into the net.

This was as comprehensive a win as it's possible to see. Barca, with a staggering 72% of possession, starved Santos. They were clinical in the first half, pragmatic in the second. Xavi's control and pass for the opener was pure porn and Santos were a beaten side from there on in. It's difficult to be too critical of the Brazilians: they were just beaten by a far superior side.

Earlier in the day, Asian champions Al Sadd won the third-place play-off against Kashiwa Reysol on penalties after a dismal 0-0 draw.

Brainless - slight return

2011-12-17T04:57:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, we brought you what we thought was the most brainless red card in football history when Jeremain Lens was booked twice within the space of a few seconds.
Well whadda you know? It's been beaten already. While the ball was in play for a fraction of a second between yellow cards for Lens, Franck Ribéry managed to pick up two yellows without the ball ever coming back into play. We've said it before and we'll say it again - massively talented player he may be, but Ribéry really does come across as a mega-tool. And this came on a day when he'd already lost a couple of million to a former agent who'd taken him to court.

That's Conference! #4

2011-12-16T06:34:00.000-08:00

Now, we just bought you Robinho missing from about four feet. Werder Bremen youngster Lennart Thy takes this a stage further by blazing it over the bar from in front of an open goal from all of about three yards takes some beating. It’s not even just over. He’s cleared it by yards and put the Jabulani into Row Z.

That's Conference!

That's Conference! #3

2011-12-16T06:24:00.000-08:00

After a nomination from our sister site at CONMEBalls, we were looking for a miss by Masakatsu Sawa in the Kashiwa Reysol v Santos game on Wednesday which would have graced this feature nicely.

So after a search on that well known video site came up with nothing, it bought us this little pearler instead from one Robson de Souza. More commonly known as Robinho, this one took place last year, while he was on loan at Santos from Manchester City, in a Brasileirão game against Fluminense at the Vila. He's basically missed an open goal from a yard out, it was harder to miss than score. As they old saying goes, my Grandmother could have scored from there.

That's Conference!

That's Conference! #2

2011-12-16T05:05:00.000-08:00

Now we kinda skipped over this in the match report yesterday, but we though this was comical and stupid enough to become number two in our new series of That's Conference!

Nadir Belhadj ended up passing the ball back to Al Sadd keeper Mohamed Saqr, who in a total act of lunacy that would be mocked at Sunday League level didn't know if to pick the ball up or boot it. By the time he'd decided to kick the ball, Adriano had turned up on the scene and Saqr more or less passed it into the Brazilian and it ended up in the back of the net.

We get the feeling this may not be the last time Mr Saqr will feature in this spot

Sion Saga Resolved

2011-12-15T10:17:00.001-08:00

The long-running saga over FC Sion's expulsion from the Europa League - as detailed in our 'Glory nights return to Scottish football' article - has finally met a resolution at CAS, the upshot being that their spurious appeal was chucked out.

It's quite apt that it's taken exactly the same amount of time as the group stage to reach this conclusion, with a series of pointless exchanges in far-flung parts of Europe with little to no interest paid by the vast majority.
In some ways, it's something of a shame that they've lost as the Europa League is a farce anyway and trying to parachute Sion back in - and Celtic back out, presumably - would add a level of nonsense that would be hard to satirise. UEFA, should they have felt a rare need to be consistent, could have dropped them straight into the knockout phase without having earned the right to be there, just like they do with the unhappy losers from the Champions League.

But sense has, probably, reigned. Back in the day, Stuttgart were turfed out for a breach of player eligibility rules after knocking out Leeds, so UEFA are doing the right thing. Sion's action through the courts first and CAS second must have cost them a fair wedge and for what? It's said that any publicity is good publicity and we certainly know more about FC Sion than we did previously. While the whole sorry episode gave us a chance for a laugh at Scotland's expense earlier in the season, we find it difficult to see what else the Swiss club have achieved.

Barça Cruise Through To Final

2011-12-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

Al-Sadd 0-4 FC Barcelona

Barcelona have booked their place in the FIFA Club World Cup final an easy 4-0 victory over Qatari side Al-Sadd. It was be nothing more than a training session for the reigning UEFA Champions League winners as two first half goals from Adriano set Pep Guardiola's team on the road to victory. Second half strikes from Seydou Keita and Maxwell wrapped up the vitory but it was marred David Villa's broken tibia.

With Lionel Messi, Villa and Pedro leading the charge, Barcelona dominated possession but with twenty five minutes gone they were gifted the lead. Former Portsmouth man Nadir Belhadj passed the ball back to goalkeeper Mohamed Saqr and the keeper simply blasted the clearance into Adriano and the ball ended up in the back of the net. Then six minutes before the break, came the injury to Villa as he appeared to catch his studs on the turf and fall to the ground in agony. A blow not only for his club side but his national side with UEFA Euro 2012 only six months away. It didn't deter Barcelona as Aadriano doubled the lead just four mnutes after the departure of Villa. Belhadj switched off and allowed Thiago Alcântara to gain possession his suiperb pass found the well timed run of Adriano and the Brazilian full back smashed the ball home passed the helpless Saqr for his second of the game.

It was business as usual in the second half as the Catalan giants dominated possession and made it seem like the Al-Sadd side, clearly out of their depth, were constantly chasing shadows. Just after the hour, Lionel Messi set up Seydou Keita for the third with a fantastic through ball from the Argentinian superstar. The with eight minutes left substitute Maxwell capitalized on a super through ball from Thiago Alcântara and some more generous defending and goalkeeping from the Qatari side as Mohamed Saqr did best to avoid the ball rather than stop it from going into the net. Santos now await Barcelona in Sunday's final, who will hopefully provide better opposition than the AFC Champions League winners. Al-Sadd will face Kashima Reysol in the 3/4th place play off, a game they are likely to lose unless they play a hell of a lot better

Careful what you wish for

2011-12-14T11:44:00.000-08:00

Life hasn't been kind to Monaco fans recently. Dumped from Ligue 1 last season after a year-long struggle to do anything other than draw, they now find themselves bottom of Ligue 2 with one win from 18 games. But, lo, is that a light on the horizon in the shape of Russian fertiliser magnate Dmitry Rybolovlev? Well hold on and make sure that it's not a train coming the other way.

There are plenty of Russian owners around. By contrast to many, Roman Abramovich seems to be one of the best - well, he did right up to the point at which he forced Andriy Shevchenko on Jose Mourinho. It's been a bit of a mess since. Then there's Ramzan Kadyrov at Terek Grozny, the Chechen leader, noted warlord, ballot stuffer and overseer of gross human rights abuses. Still, he got Hilary Swank to go to his 35th birthday, so he can't be all bad, right? Ruslan Chagaev takes the biscuit though. Another Chechen, he took over at Neuchatel Xamax - a solid enough if unspectacular club - and started with a bang, sacking the entire coaching staff a mere month after hiring them to replace the previous lot. Today, reports come in that Neuchatel have had four league points deducted for non-payment of wages. The club's former president, Gilbert Facchinetti, said at the time of Chagaev's takeover of the stricken club "We are not familiar with these people. But we have to be honest with ourselves: we have no other way".

Rybolovlev may be the saviour that Monaco are looking for as he promises €200m of investment. But for crying out loud, Monagasques, do some due diligence. It'll be worth it in the long run.

That's Conference! #1

2011-12-13T11:49:00.000-08:00

Reviving a theme from the blog of one of our contributors from some years ago, a celebration of things that make all of us feel better about not being professional players.

First up, Edgar Prib of Greuther Fürth in a top-of-the-table clash away to Eintracht Frankfurt in what is becoming a really good tussle in 2.Bundesliga. How has he missed from here?

That's Conference!

Brainless

2011-12-12T13:36:00.000-08:00

When you get sent off, after coming on as a substitute, for being booked twice in the space of ten seconds.

Stand up, Jeremain Lens of PSV Eindhoven who acheived this in his sides 1-0 victory over NAC Breda on Sunday. Booked needlessly for kicking the ball away after conceding a free kick, Lens then compounds this by not retreating ten yards from the resulting free kick and he's promptly shown a second yellow and dismissed by referee Bas Nijhuis.

The fun and games being in this video about 4 minutes and 30 seconds in.

We also recognise and acknowledge the KNVB as the rights holder in this video.

Barcelona aim to emulate Anzhi

2011-11-17T11:06:00.001-08:00

After Samuel Eto'o claimed in a major broadsheet interview that his new club, Anzhi Makhachkala are aiming to emulate the Barcelona model, Barcelona president Sandro Rosell told us "that's funny, because we're trying to emulate Anzhi".

In a candid interview, Rosell explained his vision for how the self-styled 'mes que un club' could go about achieving this. "For starters", began Rosell, "we're going to totally scrap that outdated mechanism by which we're owned by our members and somehow remain responsible to them. To this end, like Anzhi, we're going to find a trumped up gangster-turned-oil baron and flog the club to him. Anzhi have Suleyman Kerimov, Chelsea have Abramovich, Terek have Ramzan Kadyrov and Neuchatel Xamax have that loony Bulat Chagaev. I know that sounds like all the Russian warlords are spoken for, but I'm sure we can find another one".

Another feature of Anzhi is that they play in an impoverished region with the constant threat of attacks by Islamic separatist terrorists. "We will relocate the club to somewhere where we can maximise the difference in the wages of our players compared to the local average, just so the whole exercise looks as grotesque as possible", Rosell went on, "and we'll fly the players in from their gilded mansions in northern Spain for matches and straight back out again in case they have to mix with the hoi-polloi". Our man probed further to see if any locations had actually been scouted and Rosell responded by saying "We've had positive talks with the town of Castleford in West Yorkshire. Grinding poverty, a constant threat of low- to mid-level violence - I tell you, the people of Makhachkala haven't seen anything like this".

Blatter declared polio "ended"

2011-11-17T11:03:00.001-08:00

After declaring racism over yesterday, the head of FIFA, Sepp Blatter, today also eradicated polio. "It is over", said Blatter whilst wearing a Zeus costume. "I decree it, therefore it shall be so".

"While I'm here", Blatter continued, "you see that Eurozone debt crisis? Gone. It is ended by the power of the word of Blatter!".

Other things that Blatter wiped away with a swipe of what looked like a toy magic wand out of one of those crappy magic sets for five-year olds during a bizarre and rambling address to the press corps included gravity which Blatter said "has been holding us all down - literally and metaphorically - for far too bloody long" and the concept of light and dark. "Night and Day are ended", he said, "instead we have a universality of grey which I call Blatter-time.

All hail Emperor Blatter, ruler of the universe!" he garbled as several men in white coats wrestled him to the floor and administered haloperidol.

Helmes dropped to Wolfsburg reserves

2011-11-17T10:58:00.001-08:00

Wolfsburg striker Patrick Helmes has been banished to the reserves by autocratic boss Felix Magath. "He has not learned how to do defensive work" said Magath of the 98-goal striker.

"Also", continued Magath, "Diego Benaglio's frankly pisspoor goal-scoring record means he's going to the reserves as well and the less said about Josué's tap-dancing the better. He's out too".

Getting into his stride by this point, Magath went on to say that Alex Hleb "had better work on his foxtrot" if he were not to suffer the same ignominy and that Tomas Hitzlsperger had better "learn how to prepare a proper tarte tatin by the time the transfer window opens or he's gone".

Our reporter asked whether central defender Alexander Madlung's defensive shortcomings might be in more urgent need of remedy than that of Helmes, Magath fired back saying "he's too busy learning how to juggle chainsaws while unicycling across a high wire. Now get out of my way. This interview is over"

Man is 'older than he was 25 years ago'

2011-11-05T04:06:00.000-07:00

A Scottish man has this week been celebrating being 25 years older than he was this time in 1986. During this period, he has maintained an almost unsurpassed record of becoming older to the point now, where it's impossible to think of him doing anything else.
The man was born in Glasgow 70 years ago and started getting older from a very young age. Those close to him at the time say that he was a natural ager, but when his first choice of career was cut short by injury it looked like his ageing days may be behind him.
But the man reinvented himself and continued to get older in a completely different way. In many ways, he's defined what it is to get older and he's become a mentor to other people who wish to get older in the same way.
Not that it's always been plain sailing. Others have always sought to wrest the man's crown away from him, but he has endured while many of them have fallen by the wayside.

It really has been a remarkable period of success for the man. He's become the template for what it is to see time pass and when he does finally stop getting older, then there is a huge - nay, impossible - act to follow for whoever succeeds him.

Balotelli, Mario

2011-10-29T04:15:00.000-07:00

Italian performance artist currently working on a long-term installation piece based in Manchester. Previously the house artist of a major gallery in Milan.

Vidic retires from international football

2011-10-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

Serbian defender Nemanja Vidic announced his international retirement last night as his country failed to make the finals of Euro 2012 following defeat to neighbours Slovenia.The 29-year old Manchester United player said that it is "time for a change of generation and for some older players to make way". He continued, saying "I do accept however, that I could have picked a better time than half-way through my run-up to take that penalty".

It wasn't the best time at all. With Slovenia hanging on to a 1-0 lead and just under half an hour left, Vidic had the chance to bring Serbia level in a game they needed to win in order to stand any chance of making the play-offs, when Aleksander Kolarov went down under a challenge from Marko Suler. It looked innocuous, but referee Frank de Bleeckere pointed to the spot. Up stepped Vidic who later described his thought process. "The old cliché when taking penalties is that you shouldn't change your mind. If you look at the tape, you can see the point at which I do precisely that and change my mind about carrying on and decide to retire. That made it too easy for the keeper".
Estonia progress to the play-offs instead of Serbia for one of the remaining four places in the finals.

New suggestion for dealing with divers

2011-10-12T03:45:00.000-07:00

Sat here watching re-runs of the Euro 2012 qualifiers, Cristiano Ronaldo has just gone tumbling to the floor, letting out an agonising scream after running into the tiny and ancient frame of Dennis Rommedahl. That, sirs, was a dive. Booking Rommedahl was the wrong course of action by the referee - play on should have been the call.
However, taking this as a starting point, should the referee have deemed it a dive, he would have been duty bound to book Ronaldo, but this is clearly having no effect on the diving pandemic across football. Therefore, we propose that an additional sanction be applied. Yes, by all means caution the diver, but also allow the person the diver claims fouled them to issue a kick in the ribs of roughly approximate force to the scream/contorted dive/number of rolls post contact with floor. In the example above, Rommedahl would have been coming off about an eight-pace run-up to elicit the same response as that which ensued after slightly getting in the way of the pouty Portuguese.
Seriously, FIFA, we're doing your job for you here.

The greatest ever football song

2011-10-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

Irregular visitors may get the impression that we only exist to point out that everything's shit in the world of football. It's not. There is joy to be had, like Jason Walker being the only obvious challenger to Lionel Messi in the race for the Golden Boot. And this is utter joy: the greatest ever song about the game from the ever-excellent Half Man Half Biscuit

Carragher: Use of foreigners is cheating

2011-10-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

Scouse foghorn Jamie Carragher launched a strange attack on what he sees as cheating by employing foreigners.
"There's a reason England haven't won anything in donkeys years", calm-downed the former England stopper, "and that's because all the other countries use non-English players that are obviously better than we are. It's unfair and tantamount to cheating."
Carragher, who has worked under English managers for less than two-and-a-half years during his long career, bemoaned the fact that "Italy can just pick [Gianluigi] Buffon if their keeper isn't up to it. That hardly seems fair. How come they don't have to put some stooge that was sacked by York City for being too fat on the bench? Why don't Italy have to pick Andy Warrington?"
Managers also came under attack as Carragher continued "they all use foreign managers as well, managers that haven't had it drummed into them that 4-4-2 is the only way to play and that passion and pride for a piece of polyester trumps actual technical ability. Maybe it's something in their culture".

ben Arfa, Hatem

2011-10-06T05:50:00.000-07:00

French winger of Tunisian heritage. Known to Alan Shearer as "who?".

Football: "I'm tired of Ibrahimovic"

2011-10-05T05:42:00.000-07:00

Football has hinted that it's getting bored of Zlatan Ibrahimovic and is already looking forward to the day he retires.
Ibrahimovic, who turned 30 on Monday, has annoyed the world of football with his egotistical rantings, show pony on-field behaviour, rubbish ponytail and the fact that despite this, he's won eight straight league titles in three different countries.
"Ibrahimovic is no longer burning inside me like back in the day", football told assembled hacks. "Sometimes, I thought of little else. Now it's not like that; I'm interested in other things.
Today, his antics and self-publicising have become routine and while I still hope he'll do something incredible, he's just not the same player he was when he was younger".

Martínez not expecting hostile welcome "anywhere"

2011-10-01T02:59:00.000-07:00

Wigan manager Roberto Martínez said he did not expect a hostile reaction from any fans when he takes his Wigan side away from home.
Ahead of taking the Latics to Villa Park to play against a club he's never managed or played at before, Martínez told a press conference "I don't expect a reaction from the Villa fans. I mean, it's not like I have ever had anything to do with Villa, so why would there be? I didn't expect a reaction from Palace fans in the cup last week either as I told you copy-hungry hacks back then as well. And there's only Swansea in the Premier League that I've had an association with and I left there on good terms. Besides, I'm a stylish, impish, loveable little guy, so why would anyone have a problem with me?"
With absolutely nobody interested in the not-anticipated-at-all clash between Villa and Wigan, this was reported as news.

Them things

2011-09-28T01:53:00.000-07:00

What a player claims not to have said after publicly falling out with chairman/manager/team-mates, often adding in that they'd been mistranslated from an article written in their mother tongue.

Anzhi Makhachkala

2011-09-17T02:49:00.000-07:00

Latest entrants into the world dick-swinging league. Pay their players the entire GDP of Dagestan on a weekly basis.

PSG interested in signing anybody

2011-09-16T04:34:00.000-07:00

Big-spending Paris St Germain today declared that they were interested in signing "anybody".

Sporting director Leonardo revealed that "I've worked with lots of players over the years and I'd be interested in signing all of them. We've proved we're willing to splash stupid amounts of money around and I will sign anybody". Age and recent experience doesn't seem to be a barrier to the Qatari-owned club as Leonardo continued, saying "We're not that bothered about actual playing pedigree so long as the anybodies we sign are big names who keep PSG in the papers both here in France and abroad.

Frankly, I'll tell members of the press from every country that I'm about to sign one of their biggest legends. I told the Argentine press we were after Maradona, the Brazilians that Pelé was coming, Eusebio to the Portuguese and Alfredo di Stefano to the Spanish. But those British journos were the best. They lapped it up when I mentioned David Beckham."

The former World Cup winning full-back concluded by saying "The Qatari Foundation didn't hire me just to look pretty in the stands and have my managerial pedigree loom large over Antoine Kombouaré. I'm here to do a job - to make sure that everyone knows that Paris St Germain are cashed up and ready to spunk it all away on player wages and agents fees. And do that job I will. By the way, I'll give you €500m for that dictaphone".

Ronaldo: "I'm booed for my lack of self-awareness"

2011-09-16T01:57:00.000-07:00

In a candid interview for the Spanish press this week, Cristiano Ronaldo claimed it is his "lack of innate self-awareness" that prompted the boos that rang around the Maksimir Stadion as his Real Madrid side took on Dinamo Zagreb on Tuesday night.

"If I had even the slightest modicum of self-awareness", continued the pouting Portuguese dive-merchant, "I wouldn't keep issuing crass statements to the press about my good looks and how I'm the best player since football was invented. I wouldn't say what an honour it'd be to be tapped up by Anzhi Makachkala and earn in a few seconds what most Dagestanis survive on for a month. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a mirror over there that I need to check out my reflection in".

DHS

2011-09-08T04:03:00.001-07:00

David Healy Syndrome
Affliction that sees sufferers only able to play well/score for their national side whilst looking total garbage for their club side. Named for the Northern Irish striker who holds the record for number of goals in a European qualifying campaign, but who hasn't scored a top-flight goal since Jesus was still a trainee carpenter/magician back in Nazareth.
Other notable sufferers include Nicklas Bendtner and every Croatian and Polish player to get a big-money move abroad.

Glory nights return for Scotland

2011-09-03T00:59:00.000-07:00

Scottish football had one of the greatest nights in it's history yesterday as Celtic put on a great performance to seal their place in the Europa League group stages at the expense of FC Sion of Switzerland.

This great moment came just a week after all Scottish involvement in Europe for the 2011/12 season looked to have come to an end, but a Celtic spokesman told the press that "this result is testament to the hard work and never-say-die attitude of everybody involved at the club from the highest paid player to the lowest paid cleaner". Special tribute had to be paid to the dedicated team of administrators behind the scenes who, according to the spokesman, "are among the best in the world at discovering maladministration on the part of others". He continued, saying "It's all part of the club's plan for European silverware. We already have a team of tax administrators and private detectives poring over Atlético Madrid, Stade Rennais and Udinese Calcio for any dirt that might help us get through what looks an otherwise tricky group. I mean, those Italians are bound to be up to something and Atléti must have some skeletons in the closet. And if there are, we'll find them."

"It was a classic Scottish line-up" said SFA spokesman Jock McStereotype. "Four nitpickers at the back, a line of four rule-sticklers in the middle and two big lads up front to tut a bit a point to the relevant paragraph in the operational rules. Ah, it was a joy to behold. Mark my words, September 2 2011 will go down in Scottish football history. It's up there with the Lisbon Lions, Dundee United beating Barcelona or Archie Gemmill's goal against the Dutch."

McStereotype wrapped up the press conference by saying "If you get things right in the back office, it lays a great platform for the players on the field. We've proved we're world class at pointing out other people's deficiencies, so that elusive place in the finals of a major tournament can only be months away" before leaving the venue swigging from a bottle of Buckfast, swearing at the English and singing 'we're on the march with Ally's Army'.

10 other things Raúl turned down today

2011-08-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

Today, Raúl declined Blackburn's chicken-propelled overtures and decided to remain with Schalke 04. What on earth possessed the man? Does he not know of the charms of that part of Lancashire?
We reckon the man's a fool, but here are a list of ten other things Raúl turned down today.

10. Poking his eyes in with a rusty nail.

9. Having his balls removed by a blind butcher with a grudge against Spain.

8. A chance to see an interpretive dance version of Women In Love starring Sam Allardyce and Luke Chadwick in the Oliver Reed and Alan Bates roles.

7. Being buried alive.

6. Having a live hand grenade shoved up his arse.

5. Sideways.

4. By someone with long fingernails.

3. And little regard for personal hygiene.

2. A move to Barcelona.

1. A move to Burnley.

PSG join legion of Europe's biggest dick swingers

2011-07-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

It's taken a while for the Qatari investment in Paris St Germain to really bear fruit, but today the club announced that with their new backers, they're finally ready to swing their dicks like the continents established big spenders.

The capture of Javier Pastore for a dick-swingingly large €45m puts PSG firmly in the big dick-swinging leagues and they look set to remain there for a while. "As the only club in Europe's sexiest capital", said PSG dick-swinging spokesman Richard Swingeur, "it's about time we started swinging our dicks with best from elsewhere. This move cements us as the biggest dick-swingers in La République and over the next few years, we aim to swing our dicks against the best the rest of the continent".

Of course, Qatari money is also helping Barcelona to continue swinging their dicks while investment from neighbouring Abu Dhabi has been the source of large amounts of dick swinging at Manchester City. Both those club showed their dick-swinging abilities remain undiminished in light of the new arrival on the dick-swinging scene with the big dick-swinging captures of Alexis Sanchez and Segio Agüero respectively.

But previous holders of the European dick-swinging record refuse to take the new arrival from France lightly. Real Madrid vowed to carry on swinging their dicks in a statement released to the press. "The world knows how prepared we are to swing our dicks and when it comes to dick-swinging competitions, we bow to no-one". Meanwhile in London, Chelsea seemed more reticent to rest on their laurels when a spokesman said "We've swung our dicks plenty since the current chairman arrived and everybody knows that if we wanted to swing our dicks we could do. We're just choosing not to."

A word of warning over excessive dick-swinging did come from UEFA through Dutch dick-swinging supremo Kok Waggler. "We warn clubs against excessive dick-swinging. It's shown to be unsustainable and that is why we have introduced our Dick-swinging Fair Play rules to prevent any club gaining an advantage by having a bigger dick and being willing to swing it harder and longer".

BDGS

2011-07-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

Big Daft Geordie Striker
Every side needs one. It's not about skill; it's about effort, not knowing the meaning of the phrase 'lost cause' and being totally unintelligible in post-match interviews.

See also Brodie, Richard; Novak, Lee; Carroll, Andy

Tiki-taka

2011-07-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

Spanish for 'tippy-tappy nonsense' as peddled by FC Barcelona. Aped by many, mastered by few.
And yeah, it's all great and that and ooooh and aaaahh and Xavi hasn't ever misplaced a pass and stuff, but - and this is quite possibly sacrilegious - it can get a bit, well, boring can't it. There's only so many commentatorial wankfests over it that we can stand and face it, you'd all like to see Barca just get stuck in. Rough the oppo up by going in hard and fast in the first few minutes, lump it long for the big man up front - preferably a BDGS - to knock down.
It was fun for a while. Now it's both mainstream and dull.

Makelele, Claude

2011-05-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

French midfielder who got a nosebleed when approaching the halfway line. Would have retired from international football sooner than he did if Raymond Domenech would just have let him, the useless prick.
So good, he became the definition of an entire position, i.e. that midfielder that sits in front of the back four, breaks things up and gives it easy. As in "Arsenal just haven't got anyone of sufficient quality in the Makelele area of the field".

On sectarianism in Scottish football

2011-05-15T02:06:00.000-07:00

Two men enter a shop. Guns are on display all around in perspex cabinets. The windows have thick bars across them. One of the men approaches the counter.
"Err... Cannae have a bullet pal?"
"What? You want one bullet?"
"Aye. How much?"
"Well they tend to come in boxes of varying sizes, not singly. Anyway, what sort of gun is it for?"
"Err.. One that gaes bang when you pull the whatsit. What sort d'you think? You some sort of numpty?"
"No sir. What calibre?"
"Ah, it's bloody great. Very high calibre indeed I'd have said. The very finest calibre known to man."
"You don't own a gun at all, do you?"
"Course I do. Why would I want a bullet if I havnae a gun?"
"And why do you want just one bullet?"
A pause.
"Look, are you gonna gi' us one or no?"
The shopkeeper reaches under the desk and switches off the cameras. He takes one 9mm bullet from a loose pack and places it on the counter.
"Gi' us five quid, take that, fuck off and never come back in here again."

A few doors down, the men enter a post office.
"Can I have an envelope?"
"Just one?"
"Aye, how much?"
"Well, what size sir?"
"Jaysus. Don't you fucking start. I had enough trouble wi' the lad down the road. Just gi' us a fucking envelope eh?"
"The smallest pack we do is twelve, standard letter size, for a quid sixty."
"Aye, OK. Gi' us that.
So, youse are some top post gadgie then eh?"
"I suppose so, sir, yes."
"And you know all the addresses round here?"
"Well, they're all in that big book over there. What of it?"
The man looks around, leans in conspiratorially.
"Gi' us Neil Lennon's eh?"

Our culture, our history

2011-05-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

"Our culture,

Our history".

Coming over here

With their dual nationalities,

Playing our football,

Winning our trophies.

They'll never understand

Our culture,

Our history.

Liberté?

Egalité?

Fraternité?

Ca c'est votre culture,

votre histoire,

n'est pas?

The nation of Camus,

de Beauvoir and Sartre.

Of Dac, Spaak, Borrel,

Curie, Mandelbrot and Werner.

Thuram, Fontaine, Zidane

And, yes, Six, Giresse, Papin.

"Our culture,

Our history".

His racism.

France's shame.

Champions League

2011-04-15T01:41:00.000-07:00

Not a league, not restricted to champions. Should be called Teams Cup.

Goal of the week: Benedikt Höwedes

2011-04-14T03:14:00.000-07:00

The damage had, of course, been done at the Giuseppe Meazza, but Schalke were also very good in the return leg of the Champions League quarter-final against Inter. Everyone expected Inter to come flying out and Schalke set up as if expecting that, but the onslaught never came and the Germans took a while to realise what was happening. They adjusted slowly and took the lead through Raúl late in the first half, again exposing the statuesque Inter defence.

Revitalised, Schalke were much better after the break despite conceding to Thiago Motta's scrambled effort and Höwedes had the ball in the net from a corner, but had half his left foot beyond the last defender and was flagged offside. Late in the game came the moment. Höwedes started the move by putting Raúl in space and immediately signalled where he wanted the ball, in between the full-back and centre-half. The ball was perfect, chipped into the space, and Höwedes continued his run and lashed in a thunderous shot low to Julio César's left.

It was a cracking goal all round. The vision of Höwedes, the through-ball from Raúl and the emphatic finish were all pretty much perfect, but it's what it represents that is more important. The tie was over at that stage - Inter weren't about to get five in ten minutes - and any other side, certainly the Schalke of the early part of the season, would have been content to knock it about at the back and play out time. Moreover, under Felix Magath, the likelihood is that Höwedes would never have thought about that gallop forwards. Had it not worked out, perhaps even if it had, the likely first comment from his manager would have been a reading of the riot act. The fear of the bollocking would have seen Höwedes give the ball to Raúl and immediately return to his station in the back four. Ralf Rangnick is a different type of manager who places a great deal of trust in his players to make the right decisions. With this backing from the bench, Höwedes saw the opportunity to create something and went for it. That it worked so spectacularly is almost a side issue.

The Bundesliga table may lull Manchester United fans into a sense that they're halfway there already. This new Schalke who beat Inter home and away without one of their main strikers are a different beast to the one that began the season with three straight defeats. Benedikt Höwedes slammed that point home emphatically at the Veltins Arena and S04 are live contenders in the semi-finals.

Kuyt, Dirk

2011-03-06T06:51:00.001-08:00

Dutch forward whose surname doesn't rhyme with 'kite'.

Respect

2011-03-06T06:42:00.001-08:00

Short-lived campaign to get players to behave like grown human beings on the field. Lasted for about as long as it takes someone earning over £100k a week to throw a vein-bulging strop about whose throw-in it is.

Sleeping giant

2011-02-15T07:35:00.000-08:00

Club who hasn't won a trophy since David Weir was in short trousers.

Panic buy

2011-02-06T05:37:00.000-08:00

Weir, David

2011-02-06T05:34:00.000-08:00

First choice Scottish centre-back despite being older than Stonehenge.

Gold

2011-02-06T04:29:00.000-08:00

Substance that strikers are said to be worth their weight in. This is palpably not true. When players were going for around the £1.2-£1.5m mark, this was the case. Even at today's record gold prices, Fernando Torres is worth upwards of twenty times his weight in gold.

Carlos, Roberto

2011-01-25T10:05:00.000-08:00

Tree-trunk-thighed Brazilian and alleged defender. Once scored an outrageously good free-kick and spent the rest of his career trying to recreate it, but mainly ended up knocking out anyone unfortunate to be sat towards the back and to the left of the stand.

Brazil

2010-12-08T12:56:00.001-08:00

Nation whose footballers are preternaturally disposed to attacking and sod the consequences. Full-backs and centre-backs are often to be found as the most advanced players on the field while goalkeepers tend to be onlookers at best, flap merchants at worst.
Five-time World Cup winners, generally the most loved side in the world and yet Lucas, who is clearly an impostor, still gets a game for them.

Defenders

2010-12-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

Players specifically deployed to stop the opposition getting shots in on goal.
In Brazil, defenders are generally to be found further up the pitch than attackers as nobody in Brazil wants to defend. If a lad comes home from school and says "Dad, I want to be a defender", the response is generally along the lines of "I have no son".

Premier League

2010-12-05T05:07:00.001-08:00

Self-proclaimed best league in the world and if you keep telling yourself that, you'll start to believe it too.

Mixer, the

2010-12-01T09:09:00.001-08:00

Punditry term for the area between penalty spot and six-yard line.

Short corners

2010-12-01T09:08:00.001-08:00

The act of playing a corner short rather than lump it into the mixer. Scientifically proved not to work.