Sprake

verb.
Of a goalkeeper, to throw one into his own net, preferably in comedic fashion.
"Poor Danny Ward. Great start at Town, pulled off a blinder against Wolves, then Spraked one in at the Amex"

Roger Johnson

1. n. The ability to start a fight with one's own reflection.

2. v. A person who habitually falls out with those who are preternaturally disposed to be on the same side as them. "And Judas did kiss Jesus on both cheeks, betraying him to the Romans and Jesus was taken away. And John, who was with Jesus, did say 'You fucking Roger Johnsonned that Judas, you massive prick'" - Bible 2, author unknown

Farewell to the Boleyn

In keeping with media tradition, let's reminisce about the demise of an old stadium, just like we've never done for all the other ones.

Nobody from this organisation ever went to either Upton Park or the Boleyn Ground, but it looked and sounded like a lot of other old football grounds. And that, we think, says it all.

Steve Evans appoints his own third-person persona as assistant

Following a dispiriting home defeat to Blackburn Rovers, new Leeds United boss Steve Evans moved quickly to bolster his backroom team, appointing his own third-person idiom as his assistant.

Global transfer market to be replaced by Chelsea loans

Wide-ranging reform to the global transfer system in football has been proposed in a white paper which outlines a replacement system by which players can only move from club to club via Chelsea loaning them out.

Mourinho wins mind-game with himself

Long the master of the dark art of the mind game, Jose Mourinho has now beaten himself in a titanic battle of wills.

48% of fantasy teams binned off after week one

Organisers of fantasy football league competitions are reporting record number of teams being binned off after the opening weekend of the Premier League, with some sites reporting levels of up to 48% of teams abandoned within moments of the final whistle at the 3pm Saturday games.

Player moves to different club; nation goes fucking mental

The nation went fucking mental today as a player who had long since signed a contract to move to another club is about to take up that contract.

Evans charged by FA, issues denial

Manchester United "defender" Jonny Evans has been charged by the FA after appearing to spit at Newcastle's Papiss Demba Cisse. The Northern Ireland international has however denied the offence.

Two grown adults claim the other one started it

An ugly incident at last night's Newcastle v Manchester United fixture saw grown adults Papiss Cissé and Jonny Evans both claim that the other one started it and it wasn't fair.