Steve Evans appoints his own third-person persona as assistant

Following a dispiriting home defeat to Blackburn Rovers, new Leeds United boss Steve Evans moved quickly to bolster his backroom team, appointing his own third-person idiom as his assistant.

Global transfer market to be replaced by Chelsea loans

Wide-ranging reform to the global transfer system in football has been proposed in a white paper which outlines a replacement system by which players can only move from club to club via Chelsea loaning them out.

Mourinho wins mind-game with himself

Long the master of the dark art of the mind game, Jose Mourinho has now beaten himself in a titanic battle of wills.

48% of fantasy teams binned off after week one

Organisers of fantasy football league competitions are reporting record number of teams being binned off after the opening weekend of the Premier League, with some sites reporting levels of up to 48% of teams abandoned within moments of the final whistle at the 3pm Saturday games.

Player moves to different club; nation goes fucking mental

The nation went fucking mental today as a player who had long since signed a contract to move to another club is about to take up that contract.

Evans charged by FA, issues denial

Manchester United "defender" Jonny Evans has been charged by the FA after appearing to spit at Newcastle's Papiss Demba Cisse. The Northern Ireland international has however denied the offence.

Two grown adults claim the other one started it

An ugly incident at last night's Newcastle v Manchester United fixture saw grown adults Papiss Cissé and Jonny Evans both claim that the other one started it and it wasn't fair.

GOSSIP: Big club eyes Southampton player

Today's review of the top transfer gossip centres on a big club chasing a player from Southampton. A fee of more money than anyone can realistically spend in a lifetime is thought to be offered.

Sky beat BT in pissing-up-a-wall competition

Sky television today celebrated victory in the Premier League how-high-can-you-piss competition with arch-rivals BT only able to piss one-quarter as high.

New Arsenal signing expected to make debut injury

Arsenal are set to complete the signing of 17-year old Polish midfielder Krystian Bielik and give him a debut injury shortly after the paperwork is complete.

Hodgson controversy over picking three great players for Ballon d'Or

England manager Roy Hodgson attracted enormous levels of ridicule and opprobrium yesterday as it was revealed that his three votes for the Ballon d'Or went to three really good players who each had a fantastic World Cup last summer.

Oldham sign chant from Millwall

Oldham Atheltic today announced the capture of the "no-one likes us, we don't care" chant from Millwall in a deal funded by the PFA and Ched Evans's prospective father in-law.

Exclusive: Shock change to FIFA leadership

In a move set to stun the world of football, ruling body FIFA has today declared itself an Islamic caliphate.

Oldham emerges from news blackout

The town of Oldham has today emerged from a state of stasis whereby no news of external events was known for a period thought to extend as far back as 2012.