Carlos, Roberto

Tree-trunk-thighed Brazilian and alleged defender. Once scored an outrageously good free-kick and spent the rest of his career trying to recreate it, but mainly ended up knocking out anyone unfortunate to be sat towards the back and to the left of the stand.

Brazil

Nation whose footballers are preternaturally disposed to attacking and sod the consequences. Full-backs and centre-backs are often to be found as the most advanced players on the field while goalkeepers tend to be onlookers at best, flap merchants at worst.
Five-time World Cup winners, generally the most loved side in the world and yet Lucas, who is clearly an impostor, still gets a game for them.

Defenders

Players specifically deployed to stop the opposition getting shots in on goal.
In Brazil, defenders are generally to be found further up the pitch than attackers as nobody in Brazil wants to defend. If a lad comes home from school and says "Dad, I want to be a defender", the response is generally along the lines of "I have no son".

Premier League

Self-proclaimed best league in the world and if you keep telling yourself that, you'll start to believe it too.

Mixer, the

Punditry term for the area between penalty spot and six-yard line.

Short corners

The act of playing a corner short rather than lump it into the mixer. Scientifically proved not to work.

Vidiprinter

Superceded method of informing punters of final scores, as seen on erstwhile BBC flagship Grandstand. You know your team had copped a right gubbing if the vidiprinter spelled out the number of goals you'd conceded, e.g. Amazing Rovers 7 (SEVEN), Shitbox Town 0.

Xavi

Spanish midfielder who, it is rumoured, once misplaced a pass. Unfortunately, no documentary evidence for this exists, so we must conclude that it never happened.

Valdes, Victor

Spanish flap merchant. Plays for Barcelona where he has the accolade of being the best paid football spectator in the world.

Sherwood, Tim

Former Blackburn and Spurs midfielder about whom nobody has (to date) made a film.