• Thursday, 26 February 2015

    GOSSIP: Big club eyes Southampton player

    Today's review of the top transfer gossip centres on a big club chasing a player from Southampton. A fee of more money than anyone can realistically spend in a lifetime is thought to be offered.

    The big club are thought to have been monitoring the Southampton player for some time, presumably by watching the fucking television - we don't know. Given that the Southampton player has played well for Southampton, the big club think the player will fit in well with them. Maybe his agent also has links to the big club as well. That's how these things normally work after all.

    Now we're going to add in some conjecture and assumptions about how much the Southampton player is currently being paid and how much more the big club might offer him. We also assume that money is a main driver for the Southampton player, ignoring the fact that his current wage is pretty fucking handsome anyway. We just assume all footballers are money-grubbing bastards and being settled and happy means nothing to them. After all, that's how these things normally work.

    Now we add an EXCLUSIVE comment that we got off some foreign news agency. It doesn't mean anything, just rounds the article off nicely. We interpret the Southampton player saying "if I'm being linked with moves elsewhere, then it means I'm doing a good job" as meaning 'I AM DEFINITELY OFF TO THE BIG CLUB AND HAVE A TAXI WAITING OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW'.

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