Arsenal midfielder makes scientific breakthrough

"Give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, and eventually one will produce the works of Shakespeare."

Vilanova tears up playbook after Parkhead loss

After defeat to Celtic in the Champions League, despite his Barcelona team enjoying 89% of possession and dominating in most facets of the games, Tito Vilanova told reporters that this signalled an end to the Barcelona template that has served them so well over recent seasons.

Referee rages at Mancini after City denied late leveller

Referee Peter Rasmussen pointed the finger at Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini after their Champions League draw with Ajax.

European round-up #1

We said we'd pick a team in both major European club competitions and follow that thread through to the end. And at the first hurdle, both of our first choices bow out.

In the Europa League, we went for Jeunesse d'Esch, the Luxembourgeois side. Realistically, the tie was over after the first leg against Olimipija in Ljubljana. After a goalless first half, Djodje Ivelja put the home side in front and Brazilian substitute Franklin added two more late on for a 3-0 win. Any hope Jeunesse had of sneaking back into the game was snuffed out inside half an hour with Adnan Besic's goal and Sreten Stretenovic made it two before half time. Nik Omladic wrapped up a second 3-0 win and sent Olimpija through.

Elsewhere in the Europa League, the biggest name involved was FC Twente and they completed a routine 9-0 aggregate win over Andorrans Santa Coloma. 6-0 up from the first leg, they were home and hosed. Other notable results were the 12-0 aggregate win for Elfsborg against Floriana and the 10-0 win for Gomel over Vikingur. Finnish side JJK held on against a major fightback from Stabaek before winning 4-3 on aggregate and a late goal from Rafael Ledesma ensured Suduva if Lithuania progressed at the expense of Daugava Daugaspils from neighbouring Latvia on away goals. After winning 5-2 in the first leg, FK Slovenia were all but there, but played out a 4-4 draw in the return against the Maltese version of Hibernian, Radan Sunjarevic with a last-minute equaliser. Kalmar overturned a 1-0 deficit from the first leg to beat Cliftonville 4-1, Icelanders IBV did likewise to St Patrick's, requiring extra-time before prevailing 2-1 and after draws at home in the first game, Cefn Druids, Bangor City and Bohemians were all well beaten away from home.



There were only three ties in the Champions League first round, and we were on the B36 Torshavn horse. After a 0-0 in Belfast against Linfield, it was all back to the Faroes. Again, it was 0-0 and extra-time couldn't find a winner either, so it was to penalties. Immediately, B36 handed the inititive to the visitors as Klaemint Matras missed the first spot-kick. With the next seven penalties all successful, Polish striker Lukasz Cieslewicz had to score to keep B36 in it, but missed and sent Linfield through.

The other ties were over after the first games. F91 Dudelange were 7-0 up on Tre Penne and won the second leg 4-0 to complete a huge win. Valetta were 8-0 up on Valletta, but only added one more in the return, an early strike from Brazilian attacker Jhonnattann.



So we say goodbye to Jeunesse d'Esch and B36 Torshavn. Your stays with us were short. For round 2, we're on the shoulders of Linfield in the Champions League as they take on AEL Limassol. In the Europa League, we're shouting for Olimpija who take on Tromsø. Here's to better luck this time.

Adding Champions League interest

Some time ago, we expressed the ennui we were experiencing with the Champions League. Well, in an attempt to liven up our interest in this and the Europa League, and given the first round of both competitions start this week, we're going to select a team now at random and follow the winners of the tie through the competition through to the final.

Now, like most of our ideas, we're a bit late to it given the Champions League actually began two days ago and we know the results of the first leg matches. There were big wins for Valletta - 8-0 over the Andorran side Lusitanos - and for Luxembourgeois champions F91 Dudelange who beat their San Marinese counterparts Tre Penne 7-0. Both those games are pretty much over, so instead, we'll pick one of the sides involved in the game that finished 0-0 in the first leg. So step forward....

B36 Torshavn

They secured that 0-0 against Linfield in Belfast and will be confident of getting the result they need back in the Faroes. As with things European, the second round draw is already done, so we know the winner will go on to play AEL Limassol.

In the Europa League, our random team selector (piece of paper, pin) gives us...

Jeunesse d'Esch

Runners-up in Luxembourg, three points behind Dudelange, Jeunesse were once immortalised in the Half Man Half Biscuit song Friday Nights And The Gates Are Low. They're away tonight to Slovenian runners-up Olimpija who finished a massive 20 points behind champions Maribor. Will a home defeat to Jeunesse d'Esch be rendered pointless tonight? The winner goes on to play Tromsø.

TW3 #13

Big prizes dished out this week, a parade or two rained on in the process.

First, to Munich where the unthinkable happened - Bastian Schweinsteiger missed a penalty. Even odder was that Arjen Robben, rather than the normally ultra-reliable Schweinsteiger, took a spot-kick in extra-time. Playing up to Dutch stereotypes, Robben missed which allowed Chelsea the opportunity to take the game to a penalty shoot-out. That Petr Cech guessed correctly at all five can't have been coincidence, but after Juan Mata had missed Chelsea's first effort, it looked like being Bayern's day, but Cech pushed Ivica Olic's tame effort away and Schweinsteiger hit the post after seeming to change his mind midway through his run-up. Didier Drogba, who had taken the game to extra-time with a thumping header two minutes from the end, beat Manuel Neuer with the decisive penalty to give Chelsea a first European Cup.
It had an air of inevitability about it. The game itself, for all the personal trauma for Robben, Olic and Schweinsteiger, resembled Steaua Bucharest against Barcelona in the 1986 final with Chelsea content to sit deep and play on the counter. Bayern, like Barcelona in the semi-finals, just couldn't find a way through and attempting to sit on 1-0 - Daniel van Buyten replacing Thomas Muller - backfired badly.

Ricardo Vaz Te ensured West Ham's stay outside the English Premier League was a short one, bagging a winner two minutes from time at Wembley against Blackpool. York City's Matty Blair proved the winner in the Conference play-off final at the same venue 24 hours later to make his team the 92nd entrant into the professional leagues. We'll have more on that soon.

Second-half goals from Edison Cavani and Marek Hamsik denied Juventus a league and cup double in Italy, rather spoiling Alessandro del Piero's last game in the black and white. It also spoiled Juve's unbeaten season. They'd only once ended 90 minutes behind, in the semi-final second leg against Milan, but that only served to send the game to extra-time where Mirko Vucinic sent them through on aggregate. This was the first time the final whistle blew with them trailing. Sporting CP were beaten by a fifth-minute Marinho goal for Académica in the Portuguese Cup final and Hearts took the honours in Scotland after a thumping 5-1 win over city rivals Hibernian, Rudi Skacel with two.

PSG did what they had to do to try to wrest the Ligue 1 title away from Montpellier's clutches by winning 2-1 away at Lorient. Trailing to Kevin Monnet-Pacquet's opener, Javier Pastore and Thiago Motta ensured the points went back to Paris. It proved futile though as a John Utaka double for MHSC sealed a comeback win after Olivier Kapo had given Auxerre the lead. A side built for €2m had beaten the side that spunked almost 20 times that amount on Pastore alone. Dijon were thumped 5-0 by Rennes and go down, their cause not helped by red cards for Younousse Sankharé and Chaher Zarour. Caen, 3-1 losers to Valenciennes, are the other side to be relegated.

Vitesse will play Europa League football next season after beating RKC in the play-off. VVV Venlo retained their place in the Eredivisie, a 2-2 draw on Sunday enough to complete a 4-3 aggregate win over Helmond Sport and Willem II are back, promoted after a 2-1 win over Den Bosch following a goalless first leg.

The last round of games in the Chilean Apertura saw Universidad de Chile finish top, a 4-0 win over Huachipato enough to seal the position after a bit of a wobble. They'll play eighth-placed Cobreloa in the first round of the play-offs. O'Higgins and Deportes Iquique finish second and third, five points adrift. Deportes Tolima will finish top of the Colombian Apertura as they are five clear of the field after the penultimate round of fixtures. Robin Ramirez snatched a late draw with Deportes Pasto this weekend. Behind Tolima, there's a real log-jam for the rest of the top eight places with five points covering second to tenth and 11th-place Atlético Nacional still have a chance to crack the eight.

It was quite a week, all told. Next week sees the focus shift to matters promotion as several second divisions reach a conclusion.

Marking your card #9

As one door closes, another opens so the old saying goes. That's as true this week in football as it is in life.

The final round of Ligue 1 dominates Sunday and the cheeky upstarts of Montpellier need a point from a trip to Auxerre - already relegated - to seal a first ever championship. They may not even need that should PSG lose to Lorient, and with Lorient desperate for points to avoid relegation that can't be ruled out. Anyone from 12th-placed Valenciennes down are in a spot of bother. Ahead of Auxerre, Dijon are on 36 points, with Brest, Caen and Ajaccio two ahead of them and Sochaux, Lorient and Nice a point further clear. Valenciennes are on 40 and should be OK as it would take an extraordinary set of results to relegate them. The fixtures in this eight-way relegation battle are:
Evian v Brest
Lorient v PSG
Lyon v Nice
Sochaux v Marseille
Toulouse v Ajaccio
Valenciennes v Caen
Of the clubs in trouble, only VA and Caen face off directly. Their futures are in their own hands. Everyone else will have a radio pressed to the ear in the time-honoured fashion.

There were lots of cup finals in midweek - Basel completing a double in Switzerland and Fenerbahce thumping Bursaspor with a superb display in Turkey the picks - and more finals follow this weekend. The last two places in next season's Eredivisie are up for grabs as Willem II and Den Bosch - 0-0 in the first leg - and Helmond Sport and VVV - VVV lead 2-1 after the first - complete their ties. Vitesse, 3-1 up from the first leg, play RKC for the final Europa League place. Sporting CP and Académica contest the final of the Taca de Portugal, there's the Coppa Italia final between Juventus and Napoli - that should be a cracker - and Endinburgh rivals Hibernian and Hearts take part in the Scottish Cup final in Glasgow. There's also the small matter of the Champions League final. Bayern are at home to Chelsea, the game being played at the impressive Allianz Arena in Munich although without the usual number of Bayern fans, but both sides are missing key players through suspension. Bayern are the bookies favourites and by a fair chunk which is probably representative.

While all these competitions come to an end, the Brazilian national championship kicks off this weekend. After months of increasingly tedious and pointless state championships, Serie A gets underway. Two of the promoted clubs kick us off, Portuguesa away to Palmeiras and Sport Recife at home to Flamengo. Champions Corinthians start on Sunday at home to Fluminense, last year's runners-up Vasco da Gama are at home to Grêmio and favourites Santos are away to Bahia.

Elsewhere in South America, Newell's continue to lead in Argentina and take on third-placed Tigre this week. Boca, in third, are away to traditional rivals Racing Club. Universidad de Chile have lost the last two in the Primera División de Chile. They need to get back to winning ways and take on Huachipato, in seventh, this week. O'Higgins are poised to take advantage of any slip as they take on rock-bottom Cobresal.

England sees two particularly massive games at Wembley over the weekend. First up is the clash between West Ham and Blackpool for the chance to play in next season's Premier League. This will be hyped beyond all recognition as a consequence of so much money suddenly being made available to the winners, but no less important is the Conference play-off final for the right to play in the Football League. Former league sides York City and Luton Town are going for this one and while the numbers may be smaller, it's no less important for the two clubs. You lose funding for your youth teams after dropping out of the league and both have been down there a while - eight years in York's case - and getting back up is a big deal. They've played each other four times this season already, York winning three with one draw, but none of that will matter come 3pm on Sunday. That's where we're going. Come on York (impartiality be damned).

We will also have spies in Radom in Poland where Radomiak travel to take on neighbours Bron needing a win to secure promotion from the regional leagues to the national II Liga - the third tier of Polish football.

I don't know much about art, but I know what I like

Art is entirely subjective. For every piece lauded by all and recognised as Good Art - the Mona Lisa, say - there's a piece of brutalist architecture like Birmingham Library, unloved by many but also recognised as an exemplar of it's type. Modern art is even more divisive and for every acclaimed Antony Gormley statue there's an Eduardo Paolozzi head that remains unseen by many, praised by few and loved by even fewer. For every one of Dali's melting clocks that adorn the walls of students, there's also something like his Portrait Of My Dead Brother, a dark, disturbing piece, but also utterly compelling.

Football, we are told, is art. Barcelona, we are told, are the Flemish Masters of their day. But the art they produce is only one interpretation. Widely acclaimed and admired it may be, but it's not the only way to produce something that someone, somewhere will love. Nothing is right, nothing is wrong. Some styles may have more aesthetic appeal to a mass audience and be easier on the eye, but that's not to say that alternative methods of achieving the same goal are worthless or devalued.

What Chelsea did at the Nou Camp was not pretty, but there are plenty of other things it wasn't as well: dull, ineffective, unworthy. It wasn't some major tactical masterplan, rather a case of needs-must and pragmatic determination brought on by events (stupidity and misfortune in equally large measures) that left them without either of their first-choice centre-backs. Whatever else had to happen to ensure that it worked did and it's that confluence of circumstances that makes it something worth celebrating.

Champions League ennui

The quarter-finals of this season's Champions League have come and gone with barely a flicker of recognition on the Euroballs interest-o-meter. Is this a one-off or something more serious?

There's no doubt that the modern structure of Europe's premier cup competition lends itself to this, set up as it seems to be in order to ensure the passage of the same few big clubs. The revenues clubs generate from participation also helps ensure that the same clubs are more likely to be back time after time. Michel Platini's tinkering with the qualifying rounds has helped us see more national champions in the group stages and that's been slightly more refreshing - APOEL's progress has been this season's highlight - but once we get to the knockout rounds, the gulf between the have-a-bits and the have-bloody-loads is horribly exposed.

But for that sense of familiarity with the regular appearances of a small number of clubs in the last eight, this year has felt even duller. While we cheered APOEL through their last-16 tie against Lyon, Real Madrid were always going to be a step too far and the other ties lacked any sense of jeopardy. Milan playing for a 0-0 at home was never a good idea with the return at the Nou Camp and Barcelona duly got the expected result. FC Bayern eased Marseille aside home and away without either side looking particularly bothered and Chelsea did likewise against Benfica. Broadcasters here in the UK tried their best to engage viewers in Chelsea's games, but we were still too busy wishing it was Napoli and lamenting their inability to finish the job at Stamford Bridge after giving them a touch at the San Paolo. We tried watching, but as soon as Chelsea scored in Lisbon, the game was pretty much up. In the return, an early penalty all but sealed the deal and we flicked over to re-runs of Man vs Food on Dave*.

There is intrigue left. The British press are trying to whip up something about a Chelsea/Barcelona rivalry after a semi-final between the two a few years ago that featured a poor refereeing performance. We're not buying it and presume that Barcelona couldn't really give a flying one. Moreover, if form in the quarter-finals suggests anything, it's that the Catalans will be in the final in Munich after a comfortable victory. That would mean that they either face their old rivals or Bayern get to play a final on their own ground.

The Bavarians have made much of the fact that they're hosting the final and why not? They have it all to do to beat Real Madrid to get there, but let's hope they do and save us from two weeks of the usual bollocks that accompanies el clasico that, frankly, is getting tiresome coming as it does just half a dozen times a year. The Mourinho 'mind games', the hunt for new Lionel Messi-related superlatives, the endless wittering oh merciful god make it stop. So at least we will have a new thing to experience during the semi-finals: rooting for FC Hollywood to rescue the Champions League. Urgh.


* - Note for overseas readers. Yes, there is a TV channel in the UK called Dave. No, us neither.

That was the week that was #1

Taking over from the Vague round-up, something a bit more in-depth...

Last week was a European week with Barcelona and that Lionel Messi bloke grabbing all the headlines. That was a shame as APOEL's penalty shoot-out win over Lyon got a bit shouldered out of things and Athletic Club's trip to Manchester United in the Europa League was one of the games of the season. With APOEL reaching the quarters, Arsenal not quite managing to overturn the four-goal deficit against Milan and Chelsea 3-1 down going into this week's return leg against Napoli, Cyprus look likely to have more clubs in the quater-finals than England. Effort.

Onto matters domestic and in Spain, the one-horse races for first, second and third places all remained exactly that, even if Valencia - in a lonely third - could only draw with Mallorca, chucking a two-goal lead away in the process. More pain for Villarreal against Getafe on Monday night. Their survival hinges on finding three clubs worse than them. Fortunately Racing, Sporting and Zaragoza combine to fit that bill rather well. The only real race is for fourth and Málaga have that spot this week, Athletic conspiring to lose at Osasuna.

Napoli were stunning on Friday night in Serie A, thumping six past Cagliari. They conceded three though, a hat-trick for Joaquin Larrivey. Cagliari responded by sacking manager Davide Ballardini and re-hire former boss Massimo Ficcadenti who himself was sacked by the club four months ago. Clear? Milan won again to extend their lead at the top with Juventus - still unbeaten - only drawing in Genoa. Inter got back to winning ways against Chievo, but Ranieri is still on thin ice. The bottom three look done already, but Novara dented Udinese's Champions League hopes with something of a shock win.
Wins for the top two in France leaves that battle as it was, but both pull clear of third-placed Lille who were beaten by Lyon. St Etienne sneak into fourth after a win over VA. Four points cover the bottom seven meaning squeaky bums all round. In Ligue 2, Monaco finally pulled themselves out of the bottom three. It's still too early to talk of a resurgence.

The Eredivisie had one of it's bonkers weeks. Ajax went top briefly after a win of RKC Waalwijk, but AZ returned there in the late game on Sunday after beating Graafschap. PSV lost 3-1 at NAC Breda and fired Fred Rutten. Twente went and lost to NEC to stuff their chances of going top. Heerenveen also won to remain fifth, but a draw for Feyenoord sees them lose pace in sixth. AZ lead by three from Ajax, but one point covers second to fifth.

Porto stuffed up in the Liga Zon Sagres, drawing at home to Academica. Benfica's win over Paços de Ferreira and Braga's win over Leiria brings them both within a point. Sporting are a yawning eleven points further back in fourth.

Galatasaray are miles ahead in Turkey, likewise Basel in Switzerland. Olympiakos have opened up a bit of a gap in the Greek Super League after Panathinaikos were beaten by AEK. Legia opened up a bit of a gap in the Ekstraklasa after Slask were beaten by Korona. Warsaw derby next week.

Finally, Germany. Dortmund were held in Augsburg to a goalless draw, but remain four points ahead of Bayern, 7-1 winners against an increasingly shambolic Hoffenheim. Gladbach could only draw with Freiburg and they lose ground; Schalke move within a point of the Foals by beating Hamburg. But it's 2.Bundesliga where the real fun is. Three points covers the top five, still. Paderborn were held 0-0 by Bochum, the only ones in the top five not to win. Greuther beat Alemannia to remain top by a point from Eintracht Frankfurt who stuck five past Hansa. Then come Fortuna, 3-1 winners over Erzebirge. All that heaped pressure on St Pauli to win on Monday night and they did, 1-0 over Karlsruhe who remain in deep trouble at the wrong end.

Champions League

Not a league, not restricted to champions. Should be called Teams Cup.

Serie A Round 28: Beaten Champions League sides Recover

Juventus 4-1 Bologna
Cagliari 0-1 Genoa
Inter 2-0 Fiorentina
Sampdoria 2-2 Roma
Reggina 1-1 Napoli
Siena 1-5 Milan
Palermo 5-2 Lecce
Lazio 0-3 Chievo
Udinese 1-1 Catania
Atalanta 2-0 Torino

As you were up top in Serie A as Inter beat Fiorentina to remain clear at the summit. Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who so flattered to deceive against Manchester United, headed a controversial goal for the lead in the first half and doubled it in stoppage time but Jose Mourinho once again had Julio Cesar to thank for a string of fantastic saves to safeguard the points. Juventus remain the leader of the chasing pack following a comfortable victory over stricken Bologna. Massimo Mutarrelli had given the visitors a surprise lead but the Gobbini overpowered their opponents in the second half, with goals from Salihimidzic, Giovinco, and of course two from Alex Del Piero (his 8th and 9th of the campaign).

AC Milan barely got out of first gear and still hammered Siena, which included Filipo Inzaghi notching up his 300th league goal. His brace, alongside that of Alexandre Pato, combined to brush aside the limp Tuscans although there was bad news for Carlo Ancelloti with both the returning Kaka and David Beckham limping off with injuries. Genoa moved into that golden fourth spot thanks to an 85th-minute goal from Ruben Olivera, his second of the season, gave the Grifone all three points against 10-man Cagliari. Cagliari lost Andrea Cossu to a harsh red card in the 39th minute but held out until just five minutes from the end when Olivera punished them as Genoa's pressure finally paid off.

Roma could only be held at Sampdoria after they had Marco Motta sent off. And it was a duel of two strikers as Pazzini and Julio Baptista helped themselves to two each, under the circumstances Luciano Spalleti will be the happier. Napoli have a new coach – Edy Reja paying the price for some terrible form, replaced by Roberto Donadoni – but he could not get off to a winning start, being held at rock-bottom Reggina. Ezequiel Lavezzi’s equalizer to Bernado Corradi’s goal was just that, not a springboard to a victory. The other new coaching appointment, Gigi De Canion, could only inspire his Lecce side to a 5-2 thumping at Palermo, who were once again inspired by their South American stars Simplicio and Cavani who scored twice.

At the bottom, there was a massive win for Chievo, 3-0 at Lazio which takes them three points off the bottom three. Torino’s defeat at Atalanta, for whom Sergio Floccari scored twice, leaves them two points adrift ahead of Lecce and Reggina. Udinese and Catania could only draw, leaving both in mid-table.