It's taken a while for the Qatari investment in Paris St Germain to really bear fruit, but today the club announced that with their new backers, they're finally ready to swing their dicks like the continents established big spenders.
The capture of Javier Pastore for a dick-swingingly large €45m puts PSG firmly in the big dick-swinging leagues and they look set to remain there for a while. "As the only club in Europe's sexiest capital", said PSG dick-swinging spokesman Richard Swingeur, "it's about time we started swinging our dicks with best from elsewhere. This move cements us as the biggest dick-swingers in La République and over the next few years, we aim to swing our dicks against the best the rest of the continent".
Of course, Qatari money is also helping Barcelona to continue swinging their dicks while investment from neighbouring Abu Dhabi has been the source of large amounts of dick swinging at Manchester City. Both those club showed their dick-swinging abilities remain undiminished in light of the new arrival on the dick-swinging scene with the big dick-swinging captures of Alexis Sanchez and Segio Agüero respectively.
But previous holders of the European dick-swinging record refuse to take the new arrival from France lightly. Real Madrid vowed to carry on swinging their dicks in a statement released to the press. "The world knows how prepared we are to swing our dicks and when it comes to dick-swinging competitions, we bow to no-one". Meanwhile in London, Chelsea seemed more reticent to rest on their laurels when a spokesman said "We've swung our dicks plenty since the current chairman arrived and everybody knows that if we wanted to swing our dicks we could do. We're just choosing not to."
A word of warning over excessive dick-swinging did come from UEFA through Dutch dick-swinging supremo Kok Waggler. "We warn clubs against excessive dick-swinging. It's shown to be unsustainable and that is why we have introduced our Dick-swinging Fair Play rules to prevent any club gaining an advantage by having a bigger dick and being willing to swing it harder and longer".
The home of football sarcasm
Thursday, 28 July 2011
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
BDGS
Big Daft Geordie Striker
Every side needs one. It's not about skill; it's about effort, not knowing the meaning of the phrase 'lost cause' and being totally unintelligible in post-match interviews.
See also Brodie, Richard; Novak, Lee; Carroll, Andy
Every side needs one. It's not about skill; it's about effort, not knowing the meaning of the phrase 'lost cause' and being totally unintelligible in post-match interviews.
See also Brodie, Richard; Novak, Lee; Carroll, Andy
Tiki-taka
Spanish for 'tippy-tappy nonsense' as peddled by FC Barcelona. Aped by many, mastered by few.
And yeah, it's all great and that and ooooh and aaaahh and Xavi hasn't ever misplaced a pass and stuff, but - and this is quite possibly sacrilegious - it can get a bit, well, boring can't it. There's only so many commentatorial wankfests over it that we can stand and face it, you'd all like to see Barca just get stuck in. Rough the oppo up by going in hard and fast in the first few minutes, lump it long for the big man up front - preferably a BDGS - to knock down.
It was fun for a while. Now it's both mainstream and dull.
And yeah, it's all great and that and ooooh and aaaahh and Xavi hasn't ever misplaced a pass and stuff, but - and this is quite possibly sacrilegious - it can get a bit, well, boring can't it. There's only so many commentatorial wankfests over it that we can stand and face it, you'd all like to see Barca just get stuck in. Rough the oppo up by going in hard and fast in the first few minutes, lump it long for the big man up front - preferably a BDGS - to knock down.
It was fun for a while. Now it's both mainstream and dull.
Saturday, 28 May 2011
Makelele, Claude
French midfielder who got a nosebleed when approaching the halfway line. Would have retired from international football sooner than he did if Raymond Domenech would just have let him, the useless prick.
So good, he became the definition of an entire position, i.e. that midfielder that sits in front of the back four, breaks things up and gives it easy. As in "Arsenal just haven't got anyone of sufficient quality in the Makelele area of the field".
So good, he became the definition of an entire position, i.e. that midfielder that sits in front of the back four, breaks things up and gives it easy. As in "Arsenal just haven't got anyone of sufficient quality in the Makelele area of the field".
Sunday, 15 May 2011
On sectarianism in Scottish football
Two men enter a shop. Guns are on display all around in perspex cabinets. The windows have thick bars across them. One of the men approaches the counter.
"Err... Cannae have a bullet pal?"
"What? You want one bullet?"
"Aye. How much?"
"Well they tend to come in boxes of varying sizes, not singly. Anyway, what sort of gun is it for?"
"Err.. One that gaes bang when you pull the whatsit. What sort d'you think? You some sort of numpty?"
"No sir. What calibre?"
"Ah, it's bloody great. Very high calibre indeed I'd have said. The very finest calibre known to man."
"You don't own a gun at all, do you?"
"Course I do. Why would I want a bullet if I havnae a gun?"
"And why do you want just one bullet?"
A pause.
"Look, are you gonna gi' us one or no?"
The shopkeeper reaches under the desk and switches off the cameras. He takes one 9mm bullet from a loose pack and places it on the counter.
"Gi' us five quid, take that, fuck off and never come back in here again."
A few doors down, the men enter a post office.
"Can I have an envelope?"
"Just one?"
"Aye, how much?"
"Well, what size sir?"
"Jaysus. Don't you fucking start. I had enough trouble wi' the lad down the road. Just gi' us a fucking envelope eh?"
"The smallest pack we do is twelve, standard letter size, for a quid sixty."
"Aye, OK. Gi' us that.
So, youse are some top post gadgie then eh?"
"I suppose so, sir, yes."
"And you know all the addresses round here?"
"Well, they're all in that big book over there. What of it?"
The man looks around, leans in conspiratorially.
"Gi' us Neil Lennon's eh?"
"Err... Cannae have a bullet pal?"
"What? You want one bullet?"
"Aye. How much?"
"Well they tend to come in boxes of varying sizes, not singly. Anyway, what sort of gun is it for?"
"Err.. One that gaes bang when you pull the whatsit. What sort d'you think? You some sort of numpty?"
"No sir. What calibre?"
"Ah, it's bloody great. Very high calibre indeed I'd have said. The very finest calibre known to man."
"You don't own a gun at all, do you?"
"Course I do. Why would I want a bullet if I havnae a gun?"
"And why do you want just one bullet?"
A pause.
"Look, are you gonna gi' us one or no?"
The shopkeeper reaches under the desk and switches off the cameras. He takes one 9mm bullet from a loose pack and places it on the counter.
"Gi' us five quid, take that, fuck off and never come back in here again."
A few doors down, the men enter a post office.
"Can I have an envelope?"
"Just one?"
"Aye, how much?"
"Well, what size sir?"
"Jaysus. Don't you fucking start. I had enough trouble wi' the lad down the road. Just gi' us a fucking envelope eh?"
"The smallest pack we do is twelve, standard letter size, for a quid sixty."
"Aye, OK. Gi' us that.
So, youse are some top post gadgie then eh?"
"I suppose so, sir, yes."
"And you know all the addresses round here?"
"Well, they're all in that big book over there. What of it?"
The man looks around, leans in conspiratorially.
"Gi' us Neil Lennon's eh?"
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Our culture, our history
"Our culture,
Our history".
Coming over here
With their dual nationalities,
Playing our football,
Winning our trophies.
They'll never understand
Our culture,
Our history.
Liberté?
Egalité?
Fraternité?
Ca c'est votre culture,
votre histoire,
n'est pas?
The nation of Camus,
de Beauvoir and Sartre.
Of Dac, Spaak, Borrel,
Curie, Mandelbrot and Werner.
Thuram, Fontaine, Zidane
And, yes, Six, Giresse, Papin.
"Our culture,
Our history".
His racism.
France's shame.
Our history".
Coming over here
With their dual nationalities,
Playing our football,
Winning our trophies.
They'll never understand
Our culture,
Our history.
Liberté?
Egalité?
Fraternité?
Ca c'est votre culture,
votre histoire,
n'est pas?
The nation of Camus,
de Beauvoir and Sartre.
Of Dac, Spaak, Borrel,
Curie, Mandelbrot and Werner.
Thuram, Fontaine, Zidane
And, yes, Six, Giresse, Papin.
"Our culture,
Our history".
His racism.
France's shame.
Friday, 15 April 2011
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Goal of the week: Benedikt Höwedes
The damage had, of course, been done at the Giuseppe Meazza, but Schalke were also very good in the return leg of the Champions League quarter-final against Inter. Everyone expected Inter to come flying out and Schalke set up as if expecting that, but the onslaught never came and the Germans took a while to realise what was happening. They adjusted slowly and took the lead through Raúl late in the first half, again exposing the statuesque Inter defence.
Revitalised, Schalke were much better after the break despite conceding to Thiago Motta's scrambled effort and Höwedes had the ball in the net from a corner, but had half his left foot beyond the last defender and was flagged offside. Late in the game came the moment. Höwedes started the move by putting Raúl in space and immediately signalled where he wanted the ball, in between the full-back and centre-half. The ball was perfect, chipped into the space, and Höwedes continued his run and lashed in a thunderous shot low to Julio César's left.
It was a cracking goal all round. The vision of Höwedes, the through-ball from Raúl and the emphatic finish were all pretty much perfect, but it's what it represents that is more important. The tie was over at that stage - Inter weren't about to get five in ten minutes - and any other side, certainly the Schalke of the early part of the season, would have been content to knock it about at the back and play out time. Moreover, under Felix Magath, the likelihood is that Höwedes would never have thought about that gallop forwards. Had it not worked out, perhaps even if it had, the likely first comment from his manager would have been a reading of the riot act. The fear of the bollocking would have seen Höwedes give the ball to Raúl and immediately return to his station in the back four. Ralf Rangnick is a different type of manager who places a great deal of trust in his players to make the right decisions. With this backing from the bench, Höwedes saw the opportunity to create something and went for it. That it worked so spectacularly is almost a side issue.
The Bundesliga table may lull Manchester United fans into a sense that they're halfway there already. This new Schalke who beat Inter home and away without one of their main strikers are a different beast to the one that began the season with three straight defeats. Benedikt Höwedes slammed that point home emphatically at the Veltins Arena and S04 are live contenders in the semi-finals.
Revitalised, Schalke were much better after the break despite conceding to Thiago Motta's scrambled effort and Höwedes had the ball in the net from a corner, but had half his left foot beyond the last defender and was flagged offside. Late in the game came the moment. Höwedes started the move by putting Raúl in space and immediately signalled where he wanted the ball, in between the full-back and centre-half. The ball was perfect, chipped into the space, and Höwedes continued his run and lashed in a thunderous shot low to Julio César's left.
It was a cracking goal all round. The vision of Höwedes, the through-ball from Raúl and the emphatic finish were all pretty much perfect, but it's what it represents that is more important. The tie was over at that stage - Inter weren't about to get five in ten minutes - and any other side, certainly the Schalke of the early part of the season, would have been content to knock it about at the back and play out time. Moreover, under Felix Magath, the likelihood is that Höwedes would never have thought about that gallop forwards. Had it not worked out, perhaps even if it had, the likely first comment from his manager would have been a reading of the riot act. The fear of the bollocking would have seen Höwedes give the ball to Raúl and immediately return to his station in the back four. Ralf Rangnick is a different type of manager who places a great deal of trust in his players to make the right decisions. With this backing from the bench, Höwedes saw the opportunity to create something and went for it. That it worked so spectacularly is almost a side issue.
The Bundesliga table may lull Manchester United fans into a sense that they're halfway there already. This new Schalke who beat Inter home and away without one of their main strikers are a different beast to the one that began the season with three straight defeats. Benedikt Höwedes slammed that point home emphatically at the Veltins Arena and S04 are live contenders in the semi-finals.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Respect
Short-lived campaign to get players to behave like grown human beings on the field. Lasted for about as long as it takes someone earning over £100k a week to throw a vein-bulging strop about whose throw-in it is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)