Wolfsburg striker Patrick Helmes has been banished to the reserves by autocratic boss Felix Magath. "He has not learned how to do defensive work" said Magath of the 98-goal striker.
"Also", continued Magath, "Diego Benaglio's frankly pisspoor goal-scoring record means he's going to the reserves as well and the less said about Josué's tap-dancing the better. He's out too".
Getting into his stride by this point, Magath went on to say that Alex Hleb "had better work on his foxtrot" if he were not to suffer the same ignominy and that Tomas Hitzlsperger had better "learn how to prepare a proper tarte tatin by the time the transfer window opens or he's gone".
Our reporter asked whether central defender Alexander Madlung's defensive shortcomings might be in more urgent need of remedy than that of Helmes, Magath fired back saying "he's too busy learning how to juggle chainsaws while unicycling across a high wire. Now get out of my way. This interview is over"