• Thursday, 28 July 2011

    PSG join legion of Europe's biggest dick swingers

    It's taken a while for the Qatari investment in Paris St Germain to really bear fruit, but today the club announced that with their new backers, they're finally ready to swing their dicks like the continents established big spenders.

    The capture of Javier Pastore for a dick-swingingly large €45m puts PSG firmly in the big dick-swinging leagues and they look set to remain there for a while. "As the only club in Europe's sexiest capital", said PSG dick-swinging spokesman Richard Swingeur, "it's about time we started swinging our dicks with best from elsewhere. This move cements us as the biggest dick-swingers in La République and over the next few years, we aim to swing our dicks against the best the rest of the continent".

    Of course, Qatari money is also helping Barcelona to continue swinging their dicks while investment from neighbouring Abu Dhabi has been the source of large amounts of dick swinging at Manchester City. Both those club showed their dick-swinging abilities remain undiminished in light of the new arrival on the dick-swinging scene with the big dick-swinging captures of Alexis Sanchez and Segio Agüero respectively.

    But previous holders of the European dick-swinging record refuse to take the new arrival from France lightly. Real Madrid vowed to carry on swinging their dicks in a statement released to the press. "The world knows how prepared we are to swing our dicks and when it comes to dick-swinging competitions, we bow to no-one". Meanwhile in London, Chelsea seemed more reticent to rest on their laurels when a spokesman said "We've swung our dicks plenty since the current chairman arrived and everybody knows that if we wanted to swing our dicks we could do. We're just choosing not to."

    A word of warning over excessive dick-swinging did come from UEFA through Dutch dick-swinging supremo Kok Waggler. "We warn clubs against excessive dick-swinging. It's shown to be unsustainable and that is why we have introduced our Dick-swinging Fair Play rules to prevent any club gaining an advantage by having a bigger dick and being willing to swing it harder and longer".

    Wednesday, 27 July 2011


    Big Daft Geordie Striker
    Every side needs one. It's not about skill; it's about effort, not knowing the meaning of the phrase 'lost cause' and being totally unintelligible in post-match interviews.

    See also Brodie, Richard; Novak, Lee; Carroll, Andy


    Spanish for 'tippy-tappy nonsense' as peddled by FC Barcelona. Aped by many, mastered by few.
    And yeah, it's all great and that and ooooh and aaaahh and Xavi hasn't ever misplaced a pass and stuff, but - and this is quite possibly sacrilegious - it can get a bit, well, boring can't it. There's only so many commentatorial wankfests over it that we can stand and face it, you'd all like to see Barca just get stuck in. Rough the oppo up by going in hard and fast in the first few minutes, lump it long for the big man up front - preferably a BDGS - to knock down.
    It was fun for a while. Now it's both mainstream and dull.