Health campaigner Alex Ferguson called for a blanket ban on headers in football after an horrific near-fatality in Swansea yesterday.
In two interviews following the horrific scenes, Ferguson said that the injured party "could have been killed", that it was "the most dangerous thing I've seen ... for many years", that it "could have .. broken [his] neck" as a football hit the head of Manchester United striker Robin van Persie.
"This madness has gone too far", the veteran health and safety campaigner and former employer of Roy Keane told reporters. "How many more have to die before we do something about this?" Van Persie was later said to be 'stable' by staff at the intensive care unit he was rushed to after the incident. "It was touch and go for a while", a statement from the hospital read, "but we think he'll pull through with the appropriate after-care, rehabilitation and counselling".
Roger Espinoza rocks our world
Monday, 24 December 2012
Thursday, 6 December 2012
EXCLUSIVE: Harry Redknapp's January transfer list
One of our spies was at Loftus Road yesterday and walked past an open office door. Spotting an open notebook, he bravely and quickly took a photograph. Only on returning to the Euroballs office did we realise what he'd captured.
We reprint it here for you and while you're welcome to draw your own conclusions, we think it's clear that what we have here is the list of transfer targets that Harry Redknapp will shortly be handing to Tony Fernandes.
We reprint it here for you and while you're welcome to draw your own conclusions, we think it's clear that what we have here is the list of transfer targets that Harry Redknapp will shortly be handing to Tony Fernandes.
Friday, 23 November 2012
Cut-out-and-keep article for top-flight managerial changes
A multi-millionaire owner of a football club today fired the millionaire manager he'd put in charge of the squad of millionaire players.
The multi-millionaire said that results achived by the millionaire in charge of the millionaires had not been good enough and that change was necessary. "Results have not been good enough", said the multi-millionaire in a statement issued by an office intern, "and change is necessary".
The millionaire had been in charge of the squad of millionaires for a period of time, during which he guided the millionaires to some wins, but not quite as many as the ego of the multi-millionaire deemed satisfactory. Neither was the number of trophies won acceptable.
The multi-millionaire will now appoint another millionaire who will add some other millionaires to the squad of millionaires at the club while allowing others to move on. "I look forward to working with the new millionaire", continued the multi-millionaire's statement, "as we look to take this club to the next level or other such platitude".
The multi-millionaire thanks the previous millionaire for his hard work, but will lack the self-awareness to accept that it was his appointment in the first place and that this constant cycle only has one common component.
The multi-millionaire said that results achived by the millionaire in charge of the millionaires had not been good enough and that change was necessary. "Results have not been good enough", said the multi-millionaire in a statement issued by an office intern, "and change is necessary".
The millionaire had been in charge of the squad of millionaires for a period of time, during which he guided the millionaires to some wins, but not quite as many as the ego of the multi-millionaire deemed satisfactory. Neither was the number of trophies won acceptable.
The multi-millionaire will now appoint another millionaire who will add some other millionaires to the squad of millionaires at the club while allowing others to move on. "I look forward to working with the new millionaire", continued the multi-millionaire's statement, "as we look to take this club to the next level or other such platitude".
The multi-millionaire thanks the previous millionaire for his hard work, but will lack the self-awareness to accept that it was his appointment in the first place and that this constant cycle only has one common component.
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Abramovich
Verb, indicating great wastefulness in the face of minor disappointment. Like throwing your 50" plasma screen TV away because two consecutive shows you watched weren't very good and replacing it with an incredibly similar 50" plasma screen TV.
"Went for a drive in the Aston, but didn't like where I ended up, so I Abramoviched it over a cliff and bought a new one"
"Went for a drive in the Aston, but didn't like where I ended up, so I Abramoviched it over a cliff and bought a new one"
'Lack of moon on a stick' leads to Chelsea sacking
Chelsea manager Roberto di Matteo was fired today for "not delivering the moon on a stick" according to the club.
A statement released to reporters outlined that di Matteo's continued inability to attach a lollipop stick to the moon and deliver it to owner Roman Abramovich was the main reason behind the otherwise seemingly-ludicrous decision.
"While we thank Mr di Matteo for delivering the Champions League and FA Cup last season", the statement read, "it's the fact that he's not managed to even make an impression on the owner's number one priority and that is to lick the moon like it was a massive lolly. This will be the priority for the next manager and we begin our search for an experienced applicator of sticks to celestial bodies today."
A statement released to reporters outlined that di Matteo's continued inability to attach a lollipop stick to the moon and deliver it to owner Roman Abramovich was the main reason behind the otherwise seemingly-ludicrous decision.
"While we thank Mr di Matteo for delivering the Champions League and FA Cup last season", the statement read, "it's the fact that he's not managed to even make an impression on the owner's number one priority and that is to lick the moon like it was a massive lolly. This will be the priority for the next manager and we begin our search for an experienced applicator of sticks to celestial bodies today."
Thursday, 8 November 2012
Vilanova tears up playbook after Parkhead loss
After defeat to Celtic in the Champions League, despite his Barcelona team enjoying 89% of possession and dominating in most facets of the games, Tito Vilanova told reporters that this signalled an end to the Barcelona template that has served them so well over recent seasons.
"It's clear to me in the light of this defeat", said an ashen-faced Vilanova, "that our approach is outdated and has to change. As everyone has pointed out, our domination of possession and great numbers in all statistical areas means nothing as there's only one stat that counts - the final score. Clearly, now that we've lost one game that doesn't have much of a bearing on our ultimate destiny in that competition, we need to completely rethink our approach".
Pressed on how this would manifest itself, Vilanova outlined a new shape for his team, loosely described as "four, four fucking two", and a change in the facilities as his players' disposal. "Four at the back, four in the middle, big man/little man combo up top, I reckon", said the 44-year old former Figueres midfielder. "And not just any four across the middle. Seeing Victor Wanyama against our midfield made them look Lilliputian, so we've got to go out and find some big units there. A couple of classical English centre-backs to hoof it upfield wouldn't go amiss as well. And you can forget that Nou Camp pitch - I'm sending a plough onto it first thing in the morning and turning the hot water in the away dressing room off", he told the post-match press conference before concluding "Has anyone got Kevin Phillips and Emile Heskey's phone numbers?"
Elsewhere in the Champions League, Chelsea beat Shakhtar Donetsk with almost the last touch of the game, Victor Moses heading in from a corner deep in stoppage-time. "What was at fault there", said chastened Shakhtar coach Mircea Lucescu, "was that we switched to a man-for-man marking system and put someone on the post. Because of this one goal, that approach is clearly useless and I expect we'll see a continent-wide shift to zonal systems as a result".
"It's clear to me in the light of this defeat", said an ashen-faced Vilanova, "that our approach is outdated and has to change. As everyone has pointed out, our domination of possession and great numbers in all statistical areas means nothing as there's only one stat that counts - the final score. Clearly, now that we've lost one game that doesn't have much of a bearing on our ultimate destiny in that competition, we need to completely rethink our approach".
Pressed on how this would manifest itself, Vilanova outlined a new shape for his team, loosely described as "four, four fucking two", and a change in the facilities as his players' disposal. "Four at the back, four in the middle, big man/little man combo up top, I reckon", said the 44-year old former Figueres midfielder. "And not just any four across the middle. Seeing Victor Wanyama against our midfield made them look Lilliputian, so we've got to go out and find some big units there. A couple of classical English centre-backs to hoof it upfield wouldn't go amiss as well. And you can forget that Nou Camp pitch - I'm sending a plough onto it first thing in the morning and turning the hot water in the away dressing room off", he told the post-match press conference before concluding "Has anyone got Kevin Phillips and Emile Heskey's phone numbers?"
Elsewhere in the Champions League, Chelsea beat Shakhtar Donetsk with almost the last touch of the game, Victor Moses heading in from a corner deep in stoppage-time. "What was at fault there", said chastened Shakhtar coach Mircea Lucescu, "was that we switched to a man-for-man marking system and put someone on the post. Because of this one goal, that approach is clearly useless and I expect we'll see a continent-wide shift to zonal systems as a result".
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Referee rages at Mancini after City denied late leveller
Referee Peter Rasmussen pointed the finger at Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini after their Champions League draw with Ajax.
City fought back from 2-0 down early on to secure a 2-2 draw with the Dutch champions, but were left frustrated by a late offside call and an incident in the final seconds that might have given them a penalty.
Mancini harangued Rasmussen after the game, but the Danish referee told reporters that City weren't focusing on the right areas. "Frankly, the defending for both Ajax goals was utter turd. Everyone involved in European football knows Ajax's threat from corners, yet twice they allowed Siem de Jong a free run at the ball. I put it to Mr Mancini that that's his main issue, not a tight offside call and an incident none of my team saw an issue with, without the benefit of multiple angles and slow-motion replays".
"The main problem", Rasmussen continued, "is that managers and players have no experience of refereeing at the top level. They must have more empathy. They don't realise what's at stake out there."
City fought back from 2-0 down early on to secure a 2-2 draw with the Dutch champions, but were left frustrated by a late offside call and an incident in the final seconds that might have given them a penalty.
Mancini harangued Rasmussen after the game, but the Danish referee told reporters that City weren't focusing on the right areas. "Frankly, the defending for both Ajax goals was utter turd. Everyone involved in European football knows Ajax's threat from corners, yet twice they allowed Siem de Jong a free run at the ball. I put it to Mr Mancini that that's his main issue, not a tight offside call and an incident none of my team saw an issue with, without the benefit of multiple angles and slow-motion replays".
"The main problem", Rasmussen continued, "is that managers and players have no experience of refereeing at the top level. They must have more empathy. They don't realise what's at stake out there."
Thursday, 18 October 2012
Green issues come-and-sack-me plea
BBC Radio 5Live commentator Alan Green yesterday issued a sensational 'come-and-sack-me' plea while on air during England's rearranged World Cup qualifier in Warsaw.
While his sneering contempt for the performance England put on was neither new nor surprising, his more general contempt for his job, his audience and for the Poland team, as evidenced by his lack of basic research, clearly signalled something bigger was happening.
Media analysts picked up on the key moment where Green's long-obvious hatred for the game of football crossed over into a desperate cry for help for someone to get him out of there. "It was a seemingly innocuous passage of play where Eugen Polanski trotted across to retrieve a ball after it went out of play", professor of journalism Geoff Third-Personsingular told us, "when Green said 'Roman Polanski or whatever your name is'. It was quite clear then that he'd given it up and was seeking a way out of the hell he finds himself in, th ehell that is being well paid to go and commentate on high-profile football matches like lots of other people would like to do, can do and would put a fucking sight more effort into doing given the opportunity".
The BBC refused to comment when we contacted them.
While his sneering contempt for the performance England put on was neither new nor surprising, his more general contempt for his job, his audience and for the Poland team, as evidenced by his lack of basic research, clearly signalled something bigger was happening.
Media analysts picked up on the key moment where Green's long-obvious hatred for the game of football crossed over into a desperate cry for help for someone to get him out of there. "It was a seemingly innocuous passage of play where Eugen Polanski trotted across to retrieve a ball after it went out of play", professor of journalism Geoff Third-Personsingular told us, "when Green said 'Roman Polanski or whatever your name is'. It was quite clear then that he'd given it up and was seeking a way out of the hell he finds himself in, th ehell that is being well paid to go and commentate on high-profile football matches like lots of other people would like to do, can do and would put a fucking sight more effort into doing given the opportunity".
The BBC refused to comment when we contacted them.
Friday, 5 October 2012
Lying scrotebags found to be lying scrotebags by FA panel
The FA today released the full written verdict into the case of a lying scrotebag which revealed that the lying scrotebag and his lying scrotebag friend were both lying scrotebags.
In defending himself of charges of being a lying scrotebag, the lying scrotebag was found to have provided evidence that was deemed "implausible, improbable and contrived" and led to the finding that he is the lying scrotebag everyone already thought he was anyway. In addition, the lying scrotebag that gave a character witness for the lying scrotebag "evolved his evidence" over time to support the lying scrotebag and was therefore deemed to be an unreliable, lying scrotebag.
The lying scrotebag has four weeks to lodge an appeal.
In defending himself of charges of being a lying scrotebag, the lying scrotebag was found to have provided evidence that was deemed "implausible, improbable and contrived" and led to the finding that he is the lying scrotebag everyone already thought he was anyway. In addition, the lying scrotebag that gave a character witness for the lying scrotebag "evolved his evidence" over time to support the lying scrotebag and was therefore deemed to be an unreliable, lying scrotebag.
The lying scrotebag has four weeks to lodge an appeal.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
England embroiled in insurance scam
The English FA today came under scrutiny as suspicious insurance-buying patterns were seen in San Marino and Poland ahead of the announcement of England's squad for the upcoming World Cup qualifiers against those two nations.
Large amounts of money were being put into special policies with cover for viciously broken legs and/or cheekbones, loss of use of ankles and additional cracked rib cover - a so-called 'is that type of player' policy - over the last few days ahead of the announcement of the England squad and it was subsequently revealed that Ryan Shawcross would be a member of that squad.
"In light of Ryan Shawcross's selection", UEFA spokesman Phil Suit told us, "we're investigating the possibility that members of the England selection committee and senior members of the FA had links to insurers with presence in the San Marinese and Polish markets, but feel that no further comment would be appropriate at this time".
An FA statement said that they would be co-operating fully with the investigation, but nobody would be made available for interview at this stage.
Large amounts of money were being put into special policies with cover for viciously broken legs and/or cheekbones, loss of use of ankles and additional cracked rib cover - a so-called 'is that type of player' policy - over the last few days ahead of the announcement of the England squad and it was subsequently revealed that Ryan Shawcross would be a member of that squad.
"In light of Ryan Shawcross's selection", UEFA spokesman Phil Suit told us, "we're investigating the possibility that members of the England selection committee and senior members of the FA had links to insurers with presence in the San Marinese and Polish markets, but feel that no further comment would be appropriate at this time".
An FA statement said that they would be co-operating fully with the investigation, but nobody would be made available for interview at this stage.
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