Headlines

  • Thursday, 20 November 2014

    EXCLUSIVE: Dave Whelan interview

    Euroballs was privileged to be granted an exclusive interview with Wigan Athletic chairman Dave Whelan yesterday, following the appointment of Malky Mackay as the club's new manager. We asked the former JJB Sports owner what it was that had convinced him to make such a controversial move, while the FA investigation into Mackay's allegedly offensive text messages is ongoing.

    "A lot of people regard me as some old dinosaur who broke his leg in an FA Cup Final", said the former FA Cup finalist, "but I'm a great believer that football can be a force for social unity and inclusion.The game should be open to all, irrespective of race, gender, religion or ethnicity." 

    "That's part of the reason we've brought Malky to the club, as we feel he gives us the best chance of offending all of these groups in equal measure."

    "As you can see, we've already developed a close working relationship."



    Whelan refused to be drawn on what's next for the club, not ruling out the rumoured double transfer swoop for Luis Suarez and Ched Evans.

    Tuesday, 18 November 2014

    FIFA Unveils 2018 World Cup mascot

    In a glittering ceremony today in Russia, FIFA has unveiled its mascot for the 2018 World Cup.

    Speaking to assembled journalists, a spokesperson defended what might be seen as a controversial selection.

    "Most major sporting events have some sort of anthropomorphised cartoon animal, usually in a sports jersey and with some sort of cutesy name."

    "Here at FIFA, we wanted something that truly represents the spirit of the organisation and the morals of modern football. That's why we went for Jiffy."



    Thursday, 11 July 2013

    4-4-2

    The safe, unadventurous, mundane, straightforward option.

    "See anything you fancy, love?"
    "All this fancy dan foreign grub innit. Garcon, I'm going 4-4-2. Give us a meat feast pizza"

    Uruguay's front 3

    Something that looks flashy, but rarely, if ever, lives up to the expectation. Named for the triumvirate of Luis Suarez, Edinson Cavani and Ezequiel Lavezzi. See a team-sheet with that on and you think "tasty", but in action are often left a bit let down.

    "Wayne Rooney's hair-piece is a bit Uruguay's front 3. Bet it looked ace in the catalogue, but he just looks like a mouldy potato with it on his scalp"


    Expert cross from @DavidHartrick

    Tuesday, 18 June 2013

    Kinnear

    verb. To be put into a job which you are in no way suited to, capable of or required to do.

    "He fell asleep in the interview, dribbled onto his suit and his CV was written on the back of a bus ticket. I don't think he's an accountant at all. He's been Kinneared into that job and now he's my bloody boss".

    Monday, 24 December 2012

    'Ban headers' call after near-fatality

    Health campaigner Alex Ferguson called for a blanket ban on headers in football after an horrific near-fatality in Swansea yesterday.

    In two interviews following the horrific scenes, Ferguson said that the injured party "could have been killed", that it was "the most dangerous thing I've seen ... for many years", that it "could have .. broken [his] neck" as a football hit the head of Manchester United striker Robin van Persie.

    "This madness has gone too far", the veteran health and safety campaigner and former employer of Roy Keane told reporters. "How many more have to die before we do something about this?" Van Persie was later said to be 'stable' by staff at the intensive care unit he was rushed to after the incident. "It was touch and go for a while", a statement from the hospital read, "but we think he'll pull through with the appropriate after-care, rehabilitation and counselling".

    Thursday, 6 December 2012

    EXCLUSIVE: Harry Redknapp's January transfer list

    One of our spies was at Loftus Road yesterday and walked past an open office door. Spotting an open notebook, he bravely and quickly took a photograph. Only on returning to the Euroballs office did we realise what he'd captured.
    We reprint it here for you and while you're welcome to draw your own conclusions, we think it's clear that what we have here is the list of transfer targets that Harry Redknapp will shortly be handing to Tony Fernandes.

    Friday, 23 November 2012

    Cut-out-and-keep article for top-flight managerial changes

    A multi-millionaire owner of a football club today fired the millionaire manager he'd put in charge of the squad of millionaire players.

    The multi-millionaire said that results achived by the millionaire in charge of the millionaires had not been good enough and that change was necessary. "Results have not been good enough", said the multi-millionaire in a statement issued by an office intern, "and change is necessary".

    The millionaire had been in charge of the squad of millionaires for a period of time, during which he guided the millionaires to some wins, but not quite as many as the ego of the multi-millionaire deemed satisfactory. Neither was the number of trophies won acceptable.

    The multi-millionaire will now appoint another millionaire who will add some other millionaires to the squad of millionaires at the club while allowing others to move on. "I look forward to working with the new millionaire", continued the multi-millionaire's statement, "as we look to take this club to the next level or other such platitude".

    The multi-millionaire thanks the previous millionaire for his hard work, but will lack the self-awareness to accept that it was his appointment in the first place and that this constant cycle only has one common component.

    Wednesday, 21 November 2012

    Abramovich

    Verb, indicating great wastefulness in the face of minor disappointment. Like throwing your 50" plasma screen TV away because two consecutive shows you watched weren't very good and replacing it with an incredibly similar 50" plasma screen TV.

    "Went for a drive in the Aston, but didn't like where I ended up, so I Abramoviched it over a cliff and bought a new one"

    'Lack of moon on a stick' leads to Chelsea sacking

    Chelsea manager Roberto di Matteo was fired today for "not delivering the moon on a stick" according to the club.

    A statement released to reporters outlined that di Matteo's continued inability to attach a lollipop stick to the moon and deliver it to owner Roman Abramovich was the main reason behind the otherwise seemingly-ludicrous decision.

    "While we thank Mr di Matteo for delivering the Champions League and FA Cup last season", the statement read, "it's the fact that he's not managed to even make an impression on the owner's number one priority and that is to lick the moon like it was a massive lolly. This will be the priority for the next manager and we begin our search for an experienced applicator of sticks to celestial bodies today."