Thursday, 11 July 2013


The safe, unadventurous, mundane, straightforward option.

"See anything you fancy, love?"
"All this fancy dan foreign grub innit. Garcon, I'm going 4-4-2. Give us a meat feast pizza"

Uruguay's front 3

Something that looks flashy, but rarely, if ever, lives up to the expectation. Named for the triumvirate of Luis Suarez, Edinson Cavani and Ezequiel Lavezzi. See a team-sheet with that on and you think "tasty", but in action are often left a bit let down.

"Wayne Rooney's hair-piece is a bit Uruguay's front 3. Bet it looked ace in the catalogue, but he just looks like a mouldy potato with it on his scalp"

Expert cross from @DavidHartrick

Tuesday, 18 June 2013


verb. To be put into a job which you are in no way suited to, capable of or required to do.

"He fell asleep in the interview, dribbled onto his suit and his CV was written on the back of a bus ticket. I don't think he's an accountant at all. He's been Kinneared into that job and now he's my bloody boss".

Monday, 24 December 2012

'Ban headers' call after near-fatality

Health campaigner Alex Ferguson called for a blanket ban on headers in football after an horrific near-fatality in Swansea yesterday.

In two interviews following the horrific scenes, Ferguson said that the injured party "could have been killed", that it was "the most dangerous thing I've seen ... for many years", that it "could have .. broken [his] neck" as a football hit the head of Manchester United striker Robin van Persie.

"This madness has gone too far", the veteran health and safety campaigner and former employer of Roy Keane told reporters. "How many more have to die before we do something about this?" Van Persie was later said to be 'stable' by staff at the intensive care unit he was rushed to after the incident. "It was touch and go for a while", a statement from the hospital read, "but we think he'll pull through with the appropriate after-care, rehabilitation and counselling".

Thursday, 6 December 2012

EXCLUSIVE: Harry Redknapp's January transfer list

One of our spies was at Loftus Road yesterday and walked past an open office door. Spotting an open notebook, he bravely and quickly took a photograph. Only on returning to the Euroballs office did we realise what he'd captured.
We reprint it here for you and while you're welcome to draw your own conclusions, we think it's clear that what we have here is the list of transfer targets that Harry Redknapp will shortly be handing to Tony Fernandes.

Friday, 23 November 2012

Cut-out-and-keep article for top-flight managerial changes

A multi-millionaire owner of a football club today fired the millionaire manager he'd put in charge of the squad of millionaire players.

The multi-millionaire said that results achived by the millionaire in charge of the millionaires had not been good enough and that change was necessary. "Results have not been good enough", said the multi-millionaire in a statement issued by an office intern, "and change is necessary".

The millionaire had been in charge of the squad of millionaires for a period of time, during which he guided the millionaires to some wins, but not quite as many as the ego of the multi-millionaire deemed satisfactory. Neither was the number of trophies won acceptable.

The multi-millionaire will now appoint another millionaire who will add some other millionaires to the squad of millionaires at the club while allowing others to move on. "I look forward to working with the new millionaire", continued the multi-millionaire's statement, "as we look to take this club to the next level or other such platitude".

The multi-millionaire thanks the previous millionaire for his hard work, but will lack the self-awareness to accept that it was his appointment in the first place and that this constant cycle only has one common component.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012


Verb, indicating great wastefulness in the face of minor disappointment. Like throwing your 50" plasma screen TV away because two consecutive shows you watched weren't very good and replacing it with an incredibly similar 50" plasma screen TV.

"Went for a drive in the Aston, but didn't like where I ended up, so I Abramoviched it over a cliff and bought a new one"

'Lack of moon on a stick' leads to Chelsea sacking

Chelsea manager Roberto di Matteo was fired today for "not delivering the moon on a stick" according to the club.

A statement released to reporters outlined that di Matteo's continued inability to attach a lollipop stick to the moon and deliver it to owner Roman Abramovich was the main reason behind the otherwise seemingly-ludicrous decision.

"While we thank Mr di Matteo for delivering the Champions League and FA Cup last season", the statement read, "it's the fact that he's not managed to even make an impression on the owner's number one priority and that is to lick the moon like it was a massive lolly. This will be the priority for the next manager and we begin our search for an experienced applicator of sticks to celestial bodies today."

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Vilanova tears up playbook after Parkhead loss

After defeat to Celtic in the Champions League, despite his Barcelona team enjoying 89% of possession and dominating in most facets of the games, Tito Vilanova told reporters that this signalled an end to the Barcelona template that has served them so well over recent seasons.

"It's clear to me in the light of this defeat", said an ashen-faced Vilanova, "that our approach is outdated and has to change. As everyone has pointed out, our domination of possession and great numbers in all statistical areas means nothing as there's only one stat that counts - the final score. Clearly, now that we've lost one game that doesn't have much of a bearing on our ultimate destiny in that competition, we need to completely rethink our approach".

Pressed on how this would manifest itself, Vilanova outlined a new shape for his team, loosely described as "four, four fucking two", and a change in the facilities as his players' disposal. "Four at the back, four in the middle, big man/little man combo up top, I reckon", said the 44-year old former Figueres midfielder. "And not just any four across the middle. Seeing Victor Wanyama against our midfield made them look Lilliputian, so we've got to go out and find some big units there. A couple of classical English centre-backs to hoof it upfield wouldn't go amiss as well. And you can forget that Nou Camp pitch - I'm sending a plough onto it first thing in the morning and turning the hot water in the away dressing room off", he told the post-match press conference before concluding "Has anyone got Kevin Phillips and Emile Heskey's phone numbers?"

Elsewhere in the Champions League, Chelsea beat Shakhtar Donetsk with almost the last touch of the game, Victor Moses heading in from a corner deep in stoppage-time. "What was at fault there", said chastened Shakhtar coach Mircea Lucescu, "was that we switched to a man-for-man marking system and put someone on the post. Because of this one goal, that approach is clearly useless and I expect we'll see a continent-wide shift to zonal systems as a result".

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Referee rages at Mancini after City denied late leveller

Referee Peter Rasmussen pointed the finger at Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini after their Champions League draw with Ajax.

City fought back from 2-0 down early on to secure a 2-2 draw with the Dutch champions, but were left frustrated by a late offside call and an incident in the final seconds that might have given them a penalty.

Mancini harangued Rasmussen after the game, but the Danish referee told reporters that City weren't focusing on the right areas. "Frankly, the defending for both Ajax goals was utter turd. Everyone involved in European football knows Ajax's threat from corners, yet twice they allowed Siem de Jong a free run at the ball. I put it to Mr Mancini that that's his main issue, not a tight offside call and an incident none of my team saw an issue with, without the benefit of multiple angles and slow-motion replays".

"The main problem", Rasmussen continued, "is that managers and players have no experience of refereeing at the top level. They must have more empathy. They don't realise what's at stake out there."