• Thursday, 26 February 2015

    GOSSIP: Big club eyes Southampton player

    Today's review of the top transfer gossip centres on a big club chasing a player from Southampton. A fee of more money than anyone can realistically spend in a lifetime is thought to be offered.

    Wednesday, 11 February 2015

    Sky beat BT in pissing-up-a-wall competition

    Sky television today celebrated victory in the Premier League how-high-can-you-piss competition with arch-rivals BT only able to piss one-quarter as high.

    Thursday, 15 January 2015

    New Arsenal signing expected to make debut injury

    Arsenal are set to complete the signing of 17-year old Polish midfielder Krystian Bielik and give him a debut injury shortly after the paperwork is complete.

    Tuesday, 13 January 2015

    Hodgson controversy over picking three great players for Ballon d'Or

    England manager Roy Hodgson attracted enormous levels of ridicule and opprobrium yesterday as it was revealed that his three votes for the Ballon d'Or went to three really good players who each had a fantastic World Cup last summer.

    Wednesday, 7 January 2015

    Oldham sign chant from Millwall

    Oldham Atheltic today announced the capture of the "no-one likes us, we don't care" chant from Millwall in a deal funded by the PFA and Ched Evans's prospective father in-law.

    Exclusive: Shock change to FIFA leadership

    In a move set to stun the world of football, ruling body FIFA has today declared itself an Islamic caliphate.

    Monday, 5 January 2015

    Oldham emerges from news blackout

    The town of Oldham has today emerged from a state of stasis whereby no news of external events was known for a period thought to extend as far back as 2012.

    Sunday, 21 December 2014


    1. Descriptive of a pitch more akin to growing potatoes than playing football on. See Bloomfield Road.

    2. Adjective by which all left-wingers must be described under paragraph 4.3a of the journalistic code.

    3. The sort of artist whose music is never played in a dressing room and fans of which among playing staff are either shunned or referred to as 'The Professor'.

    Friday, 19 December 2014

    Balotelli fined and banned for Lad Bible retweet

    Mario Balotelli will sit out this weekend's game between Liverpool and Arsenal after being found guilty of retweeting something unfunny and racist by the unfunny and racist Lad Bible twitter account.

    Thursday, 18 December 2014

    Liverpool crisis averted with convincing win over much smaller team

    The crisis surrounding Liverpool FC was last night averted as they put a club with a squad value of just 5% of their own to the sword in the League Cup quarter-final.