Greece v Germany: Euro cliché-watch

It's Greece v Germany tonight. You may have heard that these countries are at the centre of an economic snafu that threatens the future of the European single currency. Headline writers around the world certainly have and have been predictably awful, overly hyperbolic and just plain baffling.


Independent: Germany v Greece: A real Euro stress test
The game also features in the paper's cartoon.
Not the worst offender by any means

Guardian: Greece said yes to the Euro - now they'll fight for the Euros
Good grief that's laboured

Also in cartoon form on the business pages:

Yawn

Daily Telegraph: A new Greek rescue plan to avoid defeat against Germany
Or a tactical plan to win a game of football? Maybe?

Daily Telegraph (again): Greece determined to overcome Germany and avoid winding-up order in quarter final
Wow. The country gets shut down if they lose? High stakes indeed.

FT: Greek footballers seek to sidestep politics
They'd do a lot better if people didn't keep bringing it up

Daily Mail: Greece focused on Germany rather than eurozone problems
No shit! You mean Fernando Santos doesn't concentrate his team-talks around financial probity?

Daily Mail (again): Merkel out to sink Greece again!
Bold ploy by Loew to pick the German Chancellor. Probably still a better bet the Mario Gomez up top. Also, when else has she, personally, sunk Greece?

Daily Mail (yet again): They should toss a drachma to start the match! Battle of the bailout looms
Right. For starters, you start a game with a whistle not a coin toss. Secondly.... actually, forget it - it's the Daily Mail. Not worth the steam off your piss.

BBC: Greece v Germany - the bail-out game
What does that even mean?

Reuters: Euro zone battle moves to the pitch as Germany play Greece
It's not a battle, economically or footballingly

Zee News: Germany v Greece: It's more than just a game
It really isn't

Irish Times: Germany to break Greeks
Not entirely sure whether this is about football or not

Belfast Telegraph: Germany and Greece braced for 'Debt Derby'
At least you had the grace to put it in inverted commas

News.com.au: Germany v Greece not about money
Sound the obvious-stating klaxon

Londonist: Austerity showdown
Fuck off. Just fuck off

NESN.com: Future of European Union at stake as Germany meet Greece in 'bailout game'
We're pretty sure it isn't. In fact we checked - it's just a place in the semi-finals up for grabs

Stuff.co.nz: Germany, Greece play down Euro crisis talk
Well of course they do as it's got shit all to do with football. Sheesh

Telegraph.com.au: Austerity drive to avoid a Greek crisis
This really is about football. The 'austerity drive' is Joachim Loew saying you can't be gung-ho in the Euros and need to make sure your defence is tight. If it takes this much explaining, it just doesn't work

Press of Atlantic City: Loew leaves politics to the politicians
What? He was involved before? No he wasn't, so this is meaningless guff

Der Spiegel: Germany and Greece take their fight outside
Not you too Germany

Deutsche Welle: Germany, Greece clash over Euro
No. No they don't.

Bild: Goodbye Greece. Today we won't be able to save you!
We expected nothing else from these chaps

San Francisco Chronicle: Greeks face German nemesis as bailout battle moves to soccer
It doesn't though. It really doesn't

Washington Post: Greece hopes for payback against Germany on Euro 2012 pitch
Payback for what exactly?

Wall Street Journal: Germany to kick Greece out of the Euro.... Championships?
Ah ha haaa! We see what you did there!

ABC.com: Political football
Yeah, OK, that's not bad

Boston.com: Greece seek to win Germany's respect at Euro 2012
We reckon they'd rather win a game of football

Bloomberg: Greece, Germany take Euro crisis to soccer pitch
No they don't

PBS NewsHour: At Euro 2012, Germany and Greece face off in battle of the Eurozone
Yes, because these are the only nations with the shared currency

Hollywood Reporter: Euro crisis to play out on TV screens Friday night
They're showing some top level summit action instead of the football?

Toronto Sun: Lenders v Borrowers at Euro 2012
Borrowers? Don't fancy them at corners

The Fiscal Times: Germany vs. Greece: Bailout battle plays out on pitch
No. Football battle plays out on pitch. Bailout battle plays out in ballot boxes and EU/G8 summits

Hamilton Spectator: Germany vs. Greece quarter-final match amid eurozone crisis could raise passions
It could if there wasn't macro-economic chicanery afoot as well. What's your point?

mg.co.za: Greece to take on Germany in ultimate grudge match
We can think of several dozen more grudgier matches than this

Daily News and Analysis (India): Germany vs Greece to be Euro grudge match?
As a rule, if a newspaper headline asks a question, the answer is 'no'. Just as it is here.

Straits Times (Singapore): It's Germany 8, Greece 0 even before kick-off
No it isn't. In no sense whatsoever is it.

The National (UAE): Greeks dream of Euro exit for Germany
Actually, we'll give you that one

Yahoo! Eurosport UK: You can bank on a Germany victory
Classic punnery


But it's not all insanity:

Yahoo! Eurosport UK: Put Euro crisis aside say Greeks and Germans
Sadly a plea that has summarily fallen on deaf ears - including their own, as evidenced above

Businessweek: How soccer will decide Euro crisis (It won't)
Hallelujah brother



We've been updating this throughout the day, but for reasons of maintaining our sanity we're ending the madness here.