• Monday, 5 January 2015

    Oldham emerges from news blackout

    The town of Oldham has today emerged from a state of stasis whereby no news of external events was known for a period thought to extend as far back as 2012.

    The blackout became apparent on the morning of January 5 2015 as the board of Oldham Athletic FC declared themselves 'stunned' by the reaction to their proposed deal to sign convicted rapist Ched Evans.

    "We had no idea what a narky blert the feller was", explained one board member who wished to remain anonymous. "How could we when we've had no news for nigh on three years?"

    As over two years worth of news floods the Lancastrian former industrial town, locals are coming to terms with the death of Neil Armstrong, the resignation of a Pope, the Edward Snowden revelations, unrest in Ukraine and the Russian annexation of Crimea, North Korea getting jaunty, the de-escalation of Iran's nuclear ambitions, the borth of another royal lizard, the death of Hugo Chávez and subsequent appointment of Nicolás Maduro as President of Venezuela, the successful landing of a probe on a comet and the thawing of relations between the USA and Cuba. "We've got a lot to take in", continued the unnamed board member, "so what a footballer has been convicted of and the subsequent harassment of his victim on social media obviously got lost in the noise".

    Once the backlog of news has been cleared, the club are expected to reflect on the reputational damage already done as a result of their complete lack of awareness.

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