Evans charged by FA, issues denial

Manchester United "defender" Jonny Evans has been charged by the FA after appearing to spit at Newcastle's Papiss Demba Cisse. The Northern Ireland international has however denied the offence.


In a rambling statement bearing only a passing resemblance to the highly visible events on the field, Evans also denied:

• Being born when John F Kennedy was assassinated
• Being responsible for Madonna's fall at the Brits
• Being the rightful recipient of Beck's awards at the Grammys
• Being in the vicinity of Praia De Luz at the time of Madeleine McCann's disappearance

United manager Louis Van Gaal came out in support of his player. Probably. We're still waiting for an Enigmatic to English translation of his statement. More on this story as it continues to distract from the standard of both team's performances.