• Wednesday, 26 August 2015

    Global transfer market to be replaced by Chelsea loans

    Wide-ranging reform to the global transfer system in football has been proposed in a white paper which outlines a replacement system by which players can only move from club to club via Chelsea loaning them out.

    The proposal sets Chelsea as the recipient of all transfers and then they determine where and for how long the player can move, ostensibly as a loan from the Premier League champions.

    FIFA spokesman Hurl Sports-Jacket told us that "With over two teams worth of players out on loan already, we're confident that Chelsea have the ability, experience and expertise to administer this system going forward. And it'll sate their lust to buy up every fucking player on the planet."

    Chelsea also welcome the move, saying in a statement that "there is clear synergy on this between ourselves and the governing body and we look forward to a lucrative relationship with them". However, football industry insiders have expressed disquiet, with one Jorge Mendes saying that it will leave him without purpose. "Basically, FIFA have taken my job and handed it lock, stock, the fucking lot to Chelsea."

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