Carragher: Use of foreigners is cheating

Scouse foghorn Jamie Carragher launched a strange attack on what he sees as cheating by employing foreigners.
"There's a reason England haven't won anything in donkeys years", calm-downed the former England stopper, "and that's because all the other countries use non-English players that are obviously better than we are. It's unfair and tantamount to cheating."
Carragher, who has worked under English managers for less than two-and-a-half years during his long career, bemoaned the fact that "Italy can just pick [Gianluigi] Buffon if their keeper isn't up to it. That hardly seems fair. How come they don't have to put some stooge that was sacked by York City for being too fat on the bench? Why don't Italy have to pick Andy Warrington?"
Managers also came under attack as Carragher continued "they all use foreign managers as well, managers that haven't had it drummed into them that 4-4-2 is the only way to play and that passion and pride for a piece of polyester trumps actual technical ability. Maybe it's something in their culture".

ben Arfa, Hatem

French winger of Tunisian heritage. Known to Alan Shearer as "who?".

Football: "I'm tired of Ibrahimovic"

Football has hinted that it's getting bored of Zlatan Ibrahimovic and is already looking forward to the day he retires.
Ibrahimovic, who turned 30 on Monday, has annoyed the world of football with his egotistical rantings, show pony on-field behaviour, rubbish ponytail and the fact that despite this, he's won eight straight league titles in three different countries.
"Ibrahimovic is no longer burning inside me like back in the day", football told assembled hacks. "Sometimes, I thought of little else. Now it's not like that; I'm interested in other things.
Today, his antics and self-publicising have become routine and while I still hope he'll do something incredible, he's just not the same player he was when he was younger".

Martínez not expecting hostile welcome "anywhere"

Wigan manager Roberto Martínez said he did not expect a hostile reaction from any fans when he takes his Wigan side away from home.
Ahead of taking the Latics to Villa Park to play against a club he's never managed or played at before, Martínez told a press conference "I don't expect a reaction from the Villa fans. I mean, it's not like I have ever had anything to do with Villa, so why would there be? I didn't expect a reaction from Palace fans in the cup last week either as I told you copy-hungry hacks back then as well. And there's only Swansea in the Premier League that I've had an association with and I left there on good terms. Besides, I'm a stylish, impish, loveable little guy, so why would anyone have a problem with me?"
With absolutely nobody interested in the not-anticipated-at-all clash between Villa and Wigan, this was reported as news.

Them things

What a player claims not to have said after publicly falling out with chairman/manager/team-mates, often adding in that they'd been mistranslated from an article written in their mother tongue.

Anzhi Makhachkala

Latest entrants into the world dick-swinging league. Pay their players the entire GDP of Dagestan on a weekly basis.

PSG interested in signing anybody

Big-spending Paris St Germain today declared that they were interested in signing "anybody".

Sporting director Leonardo revealed that "I've worked with lots of players over the years and I'd be interested in signing all of them. We've proved we're willing to splash stupid amounts of money around and I will sign anybody". Age and recent experience doesn't seem to be a barrier to the Qatari-owned club as Leonardo continued, saying "We're not that bothered about actual playing pedigree so long as the anybodies we sign are big names who keep PSG in the papers both here in France and abroad.

Frankly, I'll tell members of the press from every country that I'm about to sign one of their biggest legends. I told the Argentine press we were after Maradona, the Brazilians that Pelé was coming, Eusebio to the Portuguese and Alfredo di Stefano to the Spanish. But those British journos were the best. They lapped it up when I mentioned David Beckham."

The former World Cup winning full-back concluded by saying "The Qatari Foundation didn't hire me just to look pretty in the stands and have my managerial pedigree loom large over Antoine Kombouaré. I'm here to do a job - to make sure that everyone knows that Paris St Germain are cashed up and ready to spunk it all away on player wages and agents fees. And do that job I will. By the way, I'll give you €500m for that dictaphone".

Ronaldo: "I'm booed for my lack of self-awareness"

In a candid interview for the Spanish press this week, Cristiano Ronaldo claimed it is his "lack of innate self-awareness" that prompted the boos that rang around the Maksimir Stadion as his Real Madrid side took on Dinamo Zagreb on Tuesday night.

"If I had even the slightest modicum of self-awareness", continued the pouting Portuguese dive-merchant, "I wouldn't keep issuing crass statements to the press about my good looks and how I'm the best player since football was invented. I wouldn't say what an honour it'd be to be tapped up by Anzhi Makachkala and earn in a few seconds what most Dagestanis survive on for a month. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a mirror over there that I need to check out my reflection in".

DHS

David Healy Syndrome
Affliction that sees sufferers only able to play well/score for their national side whilst looking total garbage for their club side. Named for the Northern Irish striker who holds the record for number of goals in a European qualifying campaign, but who hasn't scored a top-flight goal since Jesus was still a trainee carpenter/magician back in Nazareth.
Other notable sufferers include Nicklas Bendtner and every Croatian and Polish player to get a big-money move abroad.

Glory nights return for Scotland

Scottish football had one of the greatest nights in it's history yesterday as Celtic put on a great performance to seal their place in the Europa League group stages at the expense of FC Sion of Switzerland.

This great moment came just a week after all Scottish involvement in Europe for the 2011/12 season looked to have come to an end, but a Celtic spokesman told the press that "this result is testament to the hard work and never-say-die attitude of everybody involved at the club from the highest paid player to the lowest paid cleaner". Special tribute had to be paid to the dedicated team of administrators behind the scenes who, according to the spokesman, "are among the best in the world at discovering maladministration on the part of others". He continued, saying "It's all part of the club's plan for European silverware. We already have a team of tax administrators and private detectives poring over Atlético Madrid, Stade Rennais and Udinese Calcio for any dirt that might help us get through what looks an otherwise tricky group. I mean, those Italians are bound to be up to something and Atléti must have some skeletons in the closet. And if there are, we'll find them."

"It was a classic Scottish line-up" said SFA spokesman Jock McStereotype. "Four nitpickers at the back, a line of four rule-sticklers in the middle and two big lads up front to tut a bit a point to the relevant paragraph in the operational rules. Ah, it was a joy to behold. Mark my words, September 2 2011 will go down in Scottish football history. It's up there with the Lisbon Lions, Dundee United beating Barcelona or Archie Gemmill's goal against the Dutch."

McStereotype wrapped up the press conference by saying "If you get things right in the back office, it lays a great platform for the players on the field. We've proved we're world class at pointing out other people's deficiencies, so that elusive place in the finals of a major tournament can only be months away" before leaving the venue swigging from a bottle of Buckfast, swearing at the English and singing 'we're on the march with Ally's Army'.