'Ban headers' call after near-fatality

Health campaigner Alex Ferguson called for a blanket ban on headers in football after an horrific near-fatality in Swansea yesterday.

EXCLUSIVE: Harry Redknapp's January transfer list

One of our spies was at Loftus Road yesterday and walked past an open office door. Spotting an open notebook, he bravely and quickly took a photograph. Only on returning to the Euroballs office did we realise what he'd captured.

Cut-out-and-keep article for top-flight managerial changes

A multi-millionaire owner of a football club today fired the millionaire manager he'd put in charge of the squad of millionaire players.

Abramovich

Verb, indicating great wastefulness in the face of minor disappointment. Like throwing your 50" plasma screen TV away because two consecutive shows you watched weren't very good and replacing it with an incredibly similar 50" plasma screen TV.

"Went for a drive in the Aston, but didn't like where I ended up, so I Abramoviched it over a cliff and bought a new one"

'Lack of moon on a stick' leads to Chelsea sacking

Chelsea manager Roberto di Matteo was fired today for "not delivering the moon on a stick" according to the club.

Vilanova tears up playbook after Parkhead loss

After defeat to Celtic in the Champions League, despite his Barcelona team enjoying 89% of possession and dominating in most facets of the games, Tito Vilanova told reporters that this signalled an end to the Barcelona template that has served them so well over recent seasons.

Referee rages at Mancini after City denied late leveller

Referee Peter Rasmussen pointed the finger at Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini after their Champions League draw with Ajax.

Green issues come-and-sack-me plea

BBC Radio 5Live commentator Alan Green yesterday issued a sensational 'come-and-sack-me' plea while on air during England's rearranged World Cup qualifier in Warsaw.

Lying scrotebags found to be lying scrotebags by FA panel

The FA today released the full written verdict into the case of a lying scrotebag which revealed that the lying scrotebag and his lying scrotebag friend were both lying scrotebags.

England embroiled in insurance scam

The English FA today came under scrutiny as suspicious insurance-buying patterns were seen in San Marino and Poland ahead of the announcement of England's squad for the upcoming World Cup qualifiers against those two nations.